peeking into the peaks

1 peter 1.13-25

2010-02-18T17:07:00.000-05:00

So roll up your sleeves, put your mind in gear, be totally ready to receive the gift that’s coming when Jesus arrives. Don’t lazily slip back into those old grooves of evil, doing just what you feel like doing. You didn’t know any better then; you do now.

As obedient children, let yourselves be pulled into a way of life shaped by God’s life, a life energetic and blazing with holiness. God said, “I am holy; you be holy.”

You call out to God for help and he helps—he’s a good Father that way. But don’t forget, he’s also a responsible Father, and won’t let you get by with sloppy living.
Your life is a journey you must travel with a deep consciousness of God. It cost God plenty to get you out of that dead-end, empty-headed life you grew up in. He paid with Christ’s sacred blood, you know. He died like an unblemished, sacrificial lamb. And this was no afterthought. Even though it has only lately—at the end of the ages—become public knowledge, God always knew he was going to do this for you. It’s because of this sacrificed Messiah, whom God then raised from the dead and glorified, that you trust God, that you know you have a future in God.
Now that you’ve cleaned up your lives by following the truth, love one another as if your lives depended on it. Your new life is not like your old life. Your old birth came from mortal sperm; your new birth comes from God’s living Word. Just think: a life conceived by God himself! That’s why the prophet said,

The old life is a grass life,
its beauty as short-lived as wildflowers;
Grass dries up, flowers droop,
God’s Word goes on and on forever.
This is the Word that conceived the new life in you.

– 1 petros 1:13-25 (MSG)

a whisp of smoke.

2009-10-30T19:00:00.000-04:00

last night my beautiful and unbelievably amazing mother made a comment to me that has been sitting in my gut. i haven’t really known what to do with it since last night and it has been bothering me. she said, “you’re bored aren’t you?”

let me set the stage a little bit. i’ve had one of the best worst years. there have been soaring heights and plunging depths. it seems that the weekend might’ve highlighted some of those shadowy depths. due to the cynicism of my lows i’ve been seeing things pretty negatively as of late, and last week basically set my life in an orientation of jadedness. so basically, i’ve been kinda blase’ about life.

now i know that this apathy is not the way to live. it has been hard to be in this place knowing that there’s another way. unfortunately, i really was not seeing a way out. then by the urge of my gut (perhaps a nudge of the Spirit), i picked up my Bible, which had been collecting dust for about a month, and cracked it open to everyone’s favorite book, Ecclesiastes.

Ecclesiastes? yes that book which seems to be the origin of the “emo” culture. The writer, mysteriously known as the “Qoheleth” (Preacher/Teacher/Quester) was quite the whining, feely, apathetic individual. Traditionally scholars think it was Solomon, so we’ll just go with that. So this udderly wise Solomon basically couldn’t use his own wisdom on his life. so instead he was snarkey and melodramatic about the world. i so wish that i wasn’t able to identify with him. the crazy thing is that i have read only the first chapter there has been a great move in my soul. last night it was mom’s comment was the eureka for my current situation.

after reading the first chapter of that contemplative existential diary, i realized something. the writer was being rather extreme, but ultimately he wanted something more. things looked cyclical and mundane, but he wanted something more. and i must say that although i am not “emo” enough to whine about the winds never changing, i have wanted something more. the crazy thing is that if i would have been writing a journal the last few months, it might have looked like a copy and paste of Ecclesiastes.

the redemption in all of this craziness is that even though Solomon talks about our lives being like a whisp of smoke, there was something in the subtext that was reminding us that we are more than smoke. we are “under the sun” as the book says. we are riding the curl of that smoky whisp knowing that even if life is short, we’ve been exhaled by something greater than the monotony, something alive and exciting.

so the answer to my mom’s question was yeah, i’m bored with all “this,” but today my response has taken a different shape. i submit that yeah, i could be bored with all this, but instead i am choosing to be enamored by the mystery of how my smoky existence dances, curls, and rises from the mouth of an awesome life breathing God. even if i am a whisp of smoke. he breathed me and i’m his smoke ring in the world.

Moving from Isolation to Understanding Part 3.

2009-08-31T23:33:00.008-04:00

Proverbs 18:1-2 says, “whoever isolates himself seeks his own desire; he breaks out against all sound judgment. a fool takes no pleasure in understanding but only in expressing his opinion.”

well unfortunately i couldn’t get to part 3 yesterday, so here it is. if you don't remember, i spoke that moving from isolation to understanding was a choice, and friggin’ hard one at that. now i want to take a little time to talk about the second verse.

well, i will say honestly, as a person who has valued academics my entire life, seeing myself as a fool was brutal. but in accordance with the first verse, i am a fool. a fool is one of the strongest insults in Scripture; and foolishness and godliness never coexist. i found myself insulted by Scripture calling me a fool, then i realized that i am not as “godly” as i wish i was.

as a professional fool, i have let the expression of my own opinion become paramount to every conversation. in high school, i always wanted the right answer. i always wanted to debate and argue and fight with everyone about everything. i still retain some of these tendencies, but normally only when i am in "isolation mode." see, when i am by myself, who do i talk to and argue with, but myself? some of this self-dialogue is good to work out thoughts, but when it transpires in community, let’s just say that everyone gets hurt.

i once heard a great man say, “just because i have an opinion doesn’t mean i have the right to voice it.” it does not matter if i have all the right answers and all of academia is behind me. am i willing to place knowledge in front of relationship? will i allow my opinion to cause condescension or others to be hurt by my strong convictions? it is interesting that Jesus had strong convictions but he didn’t coerce others to buy into them. we don’t have to fight with others to find validation, worth, or recognition.

i ask many of these questions due to being in university for the 3rd time now. since being so inundated with school. honestly, i could easily be satisfied with only having books as friends. i admit this very hesitantly, but both in high school and most of my life growing up, my books were my friends. Or rather the characters in them were these friends. i fell in love with cosette, juliet, wendy, esmeralda, cora, and isobel (izzy). i was best pals with quasimodo, peter pan, aramis, natty bumppo, and of course, peter hatcher. my world has often been in the world of books and not in reality. i can argue with the book and they not argue back. but people, they are not that simple. despite the simplicity of books, i do not wish to remain in that place of un-reality, nor do i wish to retain the title of a fool.

this first hit me as a freshman small group leader at Liberty U. (PL for those who speak "Libertyese"). i was very “knowledgeable” of Scripture, which i guess lead my leadership on my hall to choose this heady freshmen to lead a group of guys. i kept thinking, "God, i don’t know how to do this." i was worried every week that i wouldn’t say the right thing or that i would just push them away with my thoughts.

then God taught me something in Jn. 13. he loved his own until the end. i decided that people had to be the most important thing in my life. and i exchanged my former friends for people like joe, jordan, bernie, josh, chris, marcus, eric, and others form dorm 6. as i began to attempt to love these people, i found that caring about them was the most important thing. “people don’t care how much you know, until they know how much you care” (John Maxwell). Stephen Covey said it like this: “seek to understand before seeking to be understood.” these two thoughts empowered by Jn. 13 blew my mind on how to live life.

this verse is an echo of these experiences for me. it reminds me that no matter how hard it is to be with people, that they matter more than anything. not just knowing them, but understanding them. to understand them, i have ask penetrating questions like: “what did that feel like?” or maybe, “why did you react like that?” these questions tell them, i do not want to just know their story, but i want to know the interpretation of their story.

understanding takes open ears and and open heart. i must weep with those who weep, celebrate with those who are joyful, and otherwise allow my emotions to be involved in knowing them. i know everyone bashes emotions, but i think that emotions reveal the truth in a very real way. this is why i cry when i laugh hard and more so when there is a loss. or why some punch holes in walls or curse at people (and sometimes God). my sense of reality is communicated by emotions.

understanding means that i am willing to do whatever it takes to figure the person out. it’s so covenantal. it’s like God saying, i know that in order for you to get this, i am going to have to send my son to experience this life so that you know i have experienced life so we may have mutual understanding. i mean isn’t that the point? i understand that God wants relationship and God understands how messed up i am without Him. understanding is like where the sphere of my life intersects with the sphere of someone else’s. those spheres then fuse together and share some sort of commonality. i want to live in that place. Martin Buber calls this place of shared relationship, dialogue. He also says that it is the truest way of life.

i look at Jesus and i see him talking to the woman at the well, understanding her completely. i see him always asking and probing those around him. i see him extending his sphere to others so that they can connect. the subtext of Scripture reveals him embracing understanding in all of his journey. my favorite is when he speaks to the men on Emmaus and he basically says, "have you not even attempted to understand me with all of the law and the prophets?" and then he explains himself. i find Jesus taking pleasure in knowing people are knowing him.

i love that in hebrew and greek, there can be dual meanings in the word “to know.” in some ways it means gaining knowledge, but often it also means being intimate (sometimes even with sexual connotation). i find myself asking if my dialogue is to know people or just to express my thoughts.

all this to say, that i believe the principle thing is understanding. acts 2 speaks powerfully of the work of the Spirit and it says that they spoke in other tongues, but that all that heard them were able to understand. i just wonder if the Spirit would light upon our lives in such a way that we lived with understanding, instead of coercing others to agree with us.

understanding takes me beyond isolation and sets me in the context of relationship. to be able to make connections with others not just on the tangible, but the intangible level will be indicative of a wise one. i want to understand and be wise and embrace the community and its judgments. even more so, i want to understand Jesus and be listening for his voice, looking for his face, grasping for his hand, so that i will be different. he understands me. and he understands you. and since i am hearing his voice, seeing his face, grasping his hand, he teaches me the knowledge of himself, which speaks and says, i’m not the only one he loves and understands. he understand and loves you. and therefore, i want to love you too. so i pledge to move from isolation to understanding, not because i am commendable, but because i am in him and being in him means being with you.

-peaks out.

Moving from Isolation to Understanding Part 2

2009-08-29T15:48:00.002-04:00

Proverbs 18:1-2 says, “whoever isolates himself seeks his own desire; he breaks out against all sound judgment. a fool takes no pleasure in understanding but only in expressing his opinion.”

so i ended my thoughts with selfishness, which is where isolation leads every time. seeking your own desire, takes no consideration for anyone else on the planet. unfortunately, i am not alone. i am involved with a community that has weight on how things should and should not be done. to my great surprise i realized something- without my community, there is little that i would know how to do, function, and even interact.

then comes the next verse to extrapolate on this thought of needing others. here i find myself in the company of fools, which is never easy to say, but it is true. there are many times that in my isolation i could care less about what my community says or thinks. instead i think that my ideas and thoughts are better than the majority of the world. in this moment i find myself in a pretty low place. my arrogance and pride is exposed and my godlike complex flourishes like a weed in a bed of roses.

i know that whether i mean to or not i manifest a godlike complex where i think the world revolves me. if i am god, then you know what, i don’t care about you or your life. thank goodness our God is not like us. if i am the center of the universe why would i try to understand you? why would i extend to you? why would i do anything but propagate my perspective on the world.

that was a few scary paragraphs to write, as i see the utter depravity of myself in it. thankfully, i have a choice in this situation. i do not have to live that way. i do not have to isolate myself. i do not have to be a fool. i do not have to express my opinion. i can choose understanding. i can choose community. i can choose wisdom. i can chose to care. i can choose to not be god. this comes as a huge relief to me. in the midst of the depravity, the truth confessed brings an understanding and experience of wholeness to my life, salvation, redemption, restoration (Jam 5.16).

Undoubtedly, this reversing of the way i want to live life is not easy. as i have forementioned, relationship is hard, community is harder, and selflessness is a task that is impossible without help from Jesus himself. to even train yourself to stop expressing your thoughts about everything and instead listening to others is a challenge. however, if you will stop and listen. i think you will begin to find a tenderness in yourself. you hear, listen, and then make a connection. some person you run across seems to be more different from you in every way, and then all of a sudden, you listen and see that they are just like you.

so it’s a choice, and only you can make it for yourself.

more to come on what is the result of moving from isolation to understanding.

-peaks out.

Moving from Isolation to Understanding Pt 1.

2009-08-29T09:23:00.002-04:00

well it’s been about a week and a half that i have been pondering this tiny portion of Scripture; however, i just can’t shake it out of my spirit. let me begin by saying that i haven’t liked proverbs for years and don’t really have a good reason why, except maybe i thought that its pithy axioms about life were lower on the totem pole than the depths of the narratives of Scripture. well i was wrong, big time.

Proverbs 18:1-2 says, “whoever isolates himself seeks his own desire; he breaks out against all sound judgment. a fool takes no pleasure in understanding but only in expressing his opinion.”

when i read this verse i was blown away. i can’t remember the last time Scripture spoke to me in such a candid way. i felt like Jesus himself whispered between the rustling of the pages. like i said, i have been just chewing on this thing wondering to myself what God is communicating to me. then it hit me - a move from isolation to understanding.

now for some, this is going to sound strange coming from me, but here’s some honesty: i don’t like being around people. i know many think that i am super relational or something, but i’m not. i have “trained” myself to be relational because i believe with all my heart that relationships are the principal thing in this universe, and more importantly, in our faith.

you can imagine that as i read this passage condemning my love for isolation, i was humbled by my guilt. honestly, i haven’t been too relational for a few weeks. i’ve been ebbing and flowing, so some haven’t noticed. and then i also isolated myself during that time.

anyways, the verse starts off by saying “whoever.” this immediately caused a sigh of relief as i realized, i am not alone in this struggle. we are all susceptible to the grim power of isolation. the word “isolation” here is not merely just being by oneself, although that is encompassed in the word. it also has hints of “being reclusive or divisive.”

when i read that, i was floored. reclusive…divisive…isolated…these are volatile words with nasty ramifications. reclusivity is probably my niche due to my ability to get overly obsessed with something and will focus solely on that one thing and nonething else.

divisive was bothersome, because this moved my thinking from simply thinking isolation is about you, to realizing its chain reaction towards others. division brings separation and separation negates relationship. when i isolate myself, i seek my desire and nothing else or noone else. that doesn’t sound like Scripture’s teaching concerning us all being members of one body.

the verse continues to say that an isolationist “breaks out against all sound judgment” here “breaks out” can sometimes mean “to make bare or uncover.” at first i thought how can you both of those ideas. then i thought well if i were to challenge or break away from the covering of sound wisdom/council - or as I think in this context - the community, then i would be revealing my true self to that body i was part of. my true self which is utterly selfish.

selfishness - the very antithesis of Christ’s life and example. i have been having serious dilemma thinking about how my tendency to withdraw from others leads to a self-serving and self-pleasing life, unlike my Savior’s.

this is getting long, so i will finish tomorrow….verse 2 to come.

-peaks out.

the shallows.

2009-08-17T12:20:00.005-04:00

so for about a week now i have been living as what i call "the shallows." "the shallows" means that i have been enjoying the frivolities and superficialities of life. this is not the bad "superficial" when we say that someone is being materialistic. i'm more talking about superficial as meaning the surface of a thing. perhaps like a wall with etchings on its surface, like an engraving.

nonetheless, that has been home for me for a bit. the first few days i kept thinking that there was something wrong with living in this "surface" place. and i corrected myself. i don't think it is profitable to remain in the shallows forever, however, i do think it is nice to visit them. so i have been enjoying my visit. this "shallow place" was incredible in the last few weeks. the shallows have been much like tidal pools that develop in the northwest shoreline. these tidal pools are inhabited by sundry species of most intriguing nature. now sure, they might not be the wonders of the deep ocean with enormous whales and coral reefs, but in those tide pools you get a glimpse of the rest of the ocean world.

i have been getting a glimpse of a world that enjoys the trends and the passing pools of today, and i will admit something that is hard for me to admit to: i absolutely am obsessed with these shallows. i am like a kid waking every morning to see what kinds of things are the in shallows today. like what are the new songs on top 40 radio, what tv shows are the rave, what's peoples takes on celebritydom, fashion, movies, cuisine, etc.

my favorite author recently discussed about why twitter is so great and he explained that these surface conversations are like portals to the world of the other person. these surfaces might be just enough to swallow you into their depths. knowing these facts and thoughts of others will probably never win me a game of trivial pursuit, but it has been well worth it.

i have been swallowed and have almost felt like i enjoyed a journey to a strange new world. i must admit, i have come back from there two days ago due to one conversation. it feels good to be in my typical world of depth and feeling "overwhelmed" (which i love) by the complexity and sheer size of my world, but i caught myself a few times today not enjoying my conversation about the last movie my coworker watched or what kind of breakfast my friends enjoyed. cheers to the shallows. i shall visit again.

proverbs 27.19 (MSG) - just as water mirrors your face, so your face mirrors your heart.

-peaks out.

brand.

2009-08-11T14:56:00.001-04:00

so like a month ago, my best told me about how he was doing this mad cool project where they like “brand” each other in his small group. so he basically challenged me to “brand” him. i was kinda uncertain about it all, then i realize that we brand people by nature anyways. we call them things like “freak, weird, geek, jock, etc.” instead of utilizing these random safe phrases, i attempted to think of a better metaphor for my bro. so i have been thinking about my “brand” and was very curious about what kind of branding would be given to me. since this seems very elusive i will try to help you out.

when i branded a friend lately, i called them a “rancher.” they are the kind of person who can round up a group of individuals, point them in the right direction and guide them there. they are able to be a brander to those they are leading for their stature and their leadership calls them to do such. people much like cattle need to be lead and guided by someone who cares for them. that is my friend. he is kind and yet firm. his visioneering always takes people to a place where they are refreshed, like a rancher who does whatever it takes to get his cows to greener pasturers and cooler water. oh yeah and a rancher isn’t ‘fraid to rope the cow in and prod them when they are stubborn.

hopefully that helped in understanding “branding.” please encouarage those who love you deeply and care for you to challenge you by branding you. i would invite those who would like to brand me to speak into my life. thanks. remember branding is not just what you see the person doing, but also what they could be.

-peaks out.

Drews & Claires

2009-08-05T22:45:00.005-04:00

so i was kinda inspired by my brother to blog again, and he didn't even know it. so thanks nickley. i will start off by saying that to understand this post, you might have to watch the movie Elizabethtown like 50+ times which means once more that I have watched it.

currently, life is in a state of evaluation. i am evaluating everything, pondering things said, introspectively calculating decisions made, thinking incessantly about the typical things: God, life, love, family, friends, jobs, school, future, past, present, you know the normal stuff. so far my meanderings in my mind have been inconclusive to say the least. i don't really know what i think about some of these topics. in some ways i am in a state of impasse. i am not sure how i should feel or what i should feel about said topics. am i supposed to love my work everyday? should i will myself to call old friends? can i be open and honest with family? am i being selfish? do i even know what love is? can God feel closer to me? are the promises of God yes and amen? will my future be greater than my past? will i be the man i want to be? or the man God wants me to be? are my aspirations focused on my will or God's? etc. etc. etc.

in many ways, i feel that i am Drew Baylor, living in Elizabethtown far from home, knowing that i am living in the failure of my plan that sank like the Titanic (Drew's Spasmotica Shoes). many have seen this movie and either love it or hate it, but i am one of the ones that finds myself mirroring that film, as i live my life. my life often feels like a funeral. it always seems that i am burying things or having death surprise me, especially in a strange place, encountering bizarre situations and even more bizarre people. this mostly leads to feeling overwhelmed by it all. i find myself quoting the movie as it speaks in some kind of comfort language that is my native tongue. but if Drew were left to himself, it wouldn't be a good story.

the beauty of this movie (and my life) is that God often brings me to a place of deep melancholy where crazy things are occurring and my life is spinning out of control. i am just frustrated on so many levels that he places crazy people like Claire in my situation. these Claire's are those people who have experienced such things and want to love you through it. the people who want to talk to you from sundown til sunrise. the people who make you mixed CDs with their favorite low and high songs. the people who "you can never forget but are impossible to remember." those people are the ones that get you through it all. they are beautiful, considerate, caring, and lovely in every way. they are the sages of suck. the magi of mayhem. the wisemen of wackness. these people just always know what to say, how to say it and have the authority and power to change everything in your perspective. Claires are your hope. they remind you that "we are intrepid, we go on." i guess all that to say is that i have been lacking some Claire-moments. but even though they have been absent, i know they are coming. my life has often played out where Claires showed up in the last moment, but they came. so i am waiting on the Claire.

i guess really i am waiting on God. he's the best version of Claire possible. he basically does all the things she does but perfectly. so i guess right now, he and i are taking a roadtrip, listening to a few of his favorite tunes, both of celebration and lament, rocking in the depth of feelings, having the wind blow the stank off me, being closer to him than i have ever felt, dancing in the forest, and finding him echoed in the people and places i come across. i've probably only been driving for a few hundred miles, maybe i should go a little further and see what he has in store at the World's 2nd Largest Flea Market. maybe he'll meet me face to face.

Comfort.

2009-03-26T09:16:00.002-04:00

"Blessed be the God and Father of our Lord Jesus Christ, the Father of mercies and God of all comfort, who comforts us in all our affliction, so that we may be able to comfort those who are in my affliction, with the comfort with which we ourselves are comforted by God." - 2 Cor 1.3-4

this verse has basically been ruling my life since Tuesday. i find myself somehow always running back to it in conversations with people. it has been extremely applicable to many people's lives including my own. i love when God reveals that you have been missing out on what he has always wanted for you. this verse is one of those times that has breathed freshness in my perspective about affliction and comforting others.

generally, i have bought into this idea that comfort has to do with accommodations and to be frank, fluffy pillows. thus comfort is something to be bought or bargained for. this kind of comfort is never enough, it barely soothes the people afflicted and must continued endless to "meet the needs." however, my study of comfort has a much more valuable balm to offer in that it is a secret to long term peace and wholeness about life's difficulties.

comfort comes from the Latin word fortis (tipped hat to Boss Sharpie), which literally means brave. i found that to be intriguing to say the least. to comfort someone has the idea of coming along side of them so they are brave. i then went to the Greek for more specificity. The Greek word was paraklesis, which is literally "a calling near." however, it has been appropriated to mean a "strengthening, a helping, or empowering." i found myself blown away that comfort really has to do with making someone braver, stronger, and powerful, rather than patting them on the back and saying it will be okay.

the key to me would seem to be the responder to that calling near. i love that this passage resonates the relationship with God being the empowerer of our lives in the difficult times and by doing so, he empowers us to do the same in other's lives. our role in the earth is to minister to people giving to them the incredible strength and courage to live their lives for the Lord. reminding them that it is only in the weakness and affliction of our lives that God can make his strength complete and mature in us.

the impetus behind this comfort is mentioned in Philippians 2.1, where right before he describes the mind of Christ he speaks of the comfort that one can find from love. Love is the force that drives us to comfort those in need and to make brave those who are in tough places. Love becomes the reasoning and the motivation to all we do, whether it is weeping with people to show our shared life or it is speaking truth to them to deal with the issues at hand. Love is the principle thing if you are going to be a comforter like God is a comforter.

comfort. encourage. strengthen. make bold. love.

sounds like a challenge to us to know how we are to help those in need. bolstering instead of band-aiding.

- peaks out.

Top 5 Books

2009-03-19T18:26:00.004-04:00

today, i asked my discipler the question of what were his top five books. he gave me a few, but told me he would work on it. my seriously joking side told him, "it should be a blog topic." he readily agreed. after that, i knew that i must also contribute to this topic. thus, here are my favorite five. i will say this as a disclaimer: all of these books deserve healthy conversation and thinking of the concepts and none of them are without flaw.

Genre of Spiritual/Philosophical Literature

1. Understanding People by Larry Crabb

2. Out of the Question...Into the Mystery by Leonard Sweet

3. I & Thou by Martin Buber//God & Man by H.H. Farmer

4. In the Name of Jesus by Henri Nouwen

5. Proper Confidence: Faith, Doubt & Certainty in Christian Discipleship by Lesslie Newbigin

Genre of Fiction

1. Les Miserables by Victor Hugo

2. To Kill a Mockingbird by Harper Lee

3. The Lion, The Witch, & The Wardrobe by C.S. Lewis

4. The Count of Monte Cristo by Alexandre Dumas

5. The Taming of the Shrew by William Shakespeare

Way too many others to mention. But this is a start.

- peaks out.

my disciplers top two were:

1. The New Reformation by Greg Ogden

2. Generation to Generation by Edwin Friedman

imago Dei Worship & Arts Conference

2009-03-17T19:42:00.004-04:00

A conference for worshippers and worship leaders who desire to experience God in a powerful way. This year we will be focusing on creating a place for God to come in our worship. Concepts discussed will include: declaring the word, unity, holiness, concentricity.

There will be general sessions, worship times, and breakout sessions.

The speakers will be:
Dr. Antipas Harris, Regent University, VA Beach, VA
Pastor Josh Kiefer, Living Word, Greene, NY

Worship Leader:
Ricky Hilton, Calvary Church, Johnson City, TN
Contact: Jason Peaks for any other information.

SCHEDULE:
Thursday, April 23
7pm - General Session

Friday, April 24
9am - General Session
11am - Breakout Session
12pm - Lunch Provided
7pm - General Session

Saturday, April 25
9am - General Session
11am - Breakout Sessions
12pm - Lunch Break

The conference is FREE! There will be food provided for conference attendees after the evening meals and for lunch on Friday and Saturday! Please register at www.odcsuffolk.org/worship . Thanks!

A few thoughts to ponder...

2009-03-17T10:50:00.002-04:00

so I have just recently tried to start keeping a moleskine with me at all time in sundry sizes nonetheless. basically i thought to myself, it would behoove me to just jot down things that i am pondering or gleaning through. i decided that since i haven't the time to dictate the contents of the book i will one day pen, i would share my ramblings of my head. i hope you enjoy and you begin to think deeply about the beauty of the swirling madness of life.

1. the incarnation - it is consistently in my head, as God kinda spoke it as my theme for the year - the concept of bodying the life of Christ and allowing the dwelling of God to be manifest.

2. circles - why does it seem that circles are always showing up in my life? i am always intrigued by spheres (3d circles) and how circles often reveal a reciprocity about life and so much so that i have thought why most arenas are circles (or modified circles), waves are made up of 2 halves of circles, etc. it gets crazy, but what the biggest point is what is the center of that circle, for it is that center that everything is orbiting about. what's your circle creating in the midst of your life?

3. a lion in a pit on a snowy day - Benaiah - David's mighty men - my mom's mantra right now - i think of it as a picture of insurmountable odds and yet the risk of victory appeared.

4. life is a journey, not a process - recently came to light in my father's sermon about meeting with the Lord. albeit that i know that a journey is a process, think about process as being more of the shredding and adding the filler in your life as in process foods. journey presents a rather more hopeful outlook on life (or at least that's dad's never ceasing optimism coming to play).

5. being with someone - what does that look like? can you be with something just because of proximity? is conversation the indicator? it is something special and selected? or is it something random and unexpected? the only conclusion here is that it is intentional.

6. in need. i don't know why we don't live life this way. too often we are too prideful and too isolated to ask for a hand or to explain our situation to someone. take a few and tell people why you need them. it will make a world of difference to know that you are not superperson.

7. encounter. what does it look like to encounter God? i just want God to do something crazy. crazy good that is. expectancy for an encounter.

8. "the oneness of togetherness" - "life together, way better"

9. charismatic scholasticism. why must my theological camp have so few intellects that are founded in theology and strong teaching. i desire both the experience and the beliefs to frame the beautiful picture of God that I am enjoying.

10. comfort - what is it? interesting that it has come up in 2 of my devotional readings - 2 Cor. 1 & Philippians 2.1 - i don't think that comfort is just a pillow for our head or an ice pack for our soreness. there is something invigorating about comfort, something brave, something fortifying. i wonder what we've missed about comfort and us being connected to the God of all Comfort.

that's it for now. respond to any if you'd like.

-peaks out.

Word.

2009-02-12T11:54:00.003-05:00

This has been an interesting couple weeks for me. Things have been going so unbelievably well. God is ordering so many things in my life that I am amazed. However, in the midst of these wonderful moments I have for some reason been unable to really dive into the Word. I suppose it is largely due to the fact that I have been pursuing scholasticism and had began to suck the life out of the Word because I was analyzing and critically thinking it to death. As ashamed as I am about this predicament, I have found that in my "murdering" of Scripture by my red pen marks and highlighter trails has caused something incredible to occur. Instead of trying to keep my thinking about Scripture stayed on my perspective, I just let it "die." However, in that "death" I realized something. The Word doesn't die and even when it seems like it is dead, give is about three days and watch the Resurrection that changed the world. That is what I am finding today - resurrection in my life. My separation from the Word caused my loss of the life giving power of the Word, and thus I rendered myself dead. But strangely I found that as I asked God to help me as I approached the Word, I was rejuvenated. I found so much power in the words of the Word. Immediately I realized that the Word is so connected with Jesus, in fact it is called Jesus a few times in the Bible - so if I divorce myself from the Word, I divorce myself from Jesus, who is everything. I love that God totally spoke to this last night in small group and I was reminded the necessity of getting in the Word not to know with our heads but to know relationally. Knowing the Word is getting to know Jesus, since the book is about revealing him to the earth. I encourage you to get in the Word. He'll blow your mind with how he speaks.

- peaks out.

just a thought...about metanarratives...

2009-01-30T19:46:00.003-05:00

metanarratives have been lost in our society and in our cultural. i know this isn't a common term for most. the best way i can explain it is that a metanarrative is about the "larger story" that our lives are really about. instead of buying into the quality of the whole, we tend to submit to the smaller in-between-the lines-text of our selfish existence. how unfortunate is this for both our lives, our churches, our world? this is the death of purpose. the inward thinking of our society has lead to the pursuit of our stuff, our desires, our wants, and our satisfaction. but how can we neglect the world and its aches, hurts, and slavery? if we begin to neglect these people, what else have we neglected? i submit that we have missed love. we have missed truth. we have missed wholeness. we have missed Jesus. note that Jesus consistently pursued the greater missio Dei (mission of God). he is constantly in communication with the Father, regulating his situation and submitting to the command of the Father. let's just begin to think about how often that his personal story was shadowed by the story of redemption that the Father set forth from the beginning in Gen. 3.15. what if we did the same? submitted to the thelema Theou (will of God) at every thought, action, and decision...wait, even every relationship. i believe that this is the key of the metanarrative. that is relationship and love. it is dripping from every page of Scripture and every wound that Jesus bore. Jn. 13.1 says that Jesus "loved them to the end." this does not mean that he loved them until he died. it means that he loved them to the end of time, to their completion, to their ultimate result. later in that passage, Jesus sums up the metanarrative so poignantly. he says, "a new commandment i give to you, that you love one another, just as i have loved you, you also are to love one another. by this all people will know that you are my disciples, if you have love for one another." (Jn. 13.34-35) i was recently reading a book that was discussing this very idea. the book is The Three Hardest Words by Leonard Sweet and it is about the words "I Love You." Here's what he says about metanarratives and love: "If the metanarrative is about anything, it's about live. And more specifically, it's about love as the form and function of life. To put life and love in their necessary context, the metanarrative tells us not only who we are, but also who everyone else is - helping us understand and live well in relationship with the 'other'...It is the story of "I love you" like no other love story. (p. 24)

so i dare you live in metanarrative and not "subtext" (as Sweet calls it), where we are function and living in love and not in selfishness and anthropocentricity. our philosophy should be as Cameron Crowe's epic film Elizabethtown says concerning life and failure. "Loving life, loving you" is the only way to live.

-peaks out.

encarnacion!

2009-01-13T12:21:00.004-05:00

"encarnacio-ho-ho-ho-ho-ho-hon....i love when Jack Black sings this powerful word in Spanish in the film Nacho Libre. incarnation is not exactly what he was singing. regardless, it keeps it in my memory's grasp.

for this year, i really sensed as i prayed for this year that God spoke very clearly about this being a year of incarnation. i know that seems mystical and elusive, but really it literally means 'in the flesh.' or for some reason my mind thinks about carne being meat, so i thought, hmm, the incarnation - in the meat. what does that even mean? i don't even know. just go with it.

nonetheless, i digress. my thoughts on the incarnation was spurred by an excellent essay by Lesslie Newbigin called Proper Confidence, which i reviewed for my hermeneutics class last semester. it truly is a must read. as i was telling my best friend about both this book and the concept of manifesting the concepts of the traditions of Christ's followers, he told me about reading a quote from Henri Nouwen. I thought it was appropriate,

"...There is so much fear, so much distance, so much generalization, and so little real listening, speaking, and absolving that not much true sacramentality can be expected.

How can priests or ministers feel really loved and cared for when they have to hide their own sins and failings from the people to whom they minister and run off to a distant stranger to receive a little comfort and consolation? How can people truly care for their shepherds and keep them faithful to their sacred task when they do not know them and so cannot deeply love them? I am not at all surprised that so many ministers and priests suffer immensely from deep emotional loneliness, frequently feel a great need for affectivity and intimacy, and sometimes experience a deep-seated guilt and shame in front of their own people. Often they seem to say, 'What if my people knew how I really feel, what I think and daydream about, and where my mind wanders when I am sitting by myself in my study?'

It is precisely the men and women who are dedicated to spiritual leadership who are easily subject to very raw carnality. The reason for this is that they do not know how to live the truth of the Incarnation. They separate themselves from their own concrete community, try to deal with their needs by ignoring them or satisfying them in distant or anonymous places, and then experience an increasing split between their own most private inner world and the good news they announce. When spirituality becomes spiritualization, life in the body becomes carnality. When ministers and priests live their ministry mostly in their heads and relate to the Gospel as a set of valuable ideas to be announced, the body quickly takes revenge by screaming loudly for affection and intimacy. Christian leaders are called to live the Incarnation, that is, to live in the body, not only in their own bodies but also in the corporate body of the community, and to discover there the presence of the Holy Spirit.

Confession and forgiveness are precisely the disciplines by which spiritualization and carnality can be avoided and true incarnation lived. Through confession, the dark powers are taken out of their carnal isolation, brought into the light, and made visible to the community. through forgiveness, they are disarmed and dispelled and a new integration between body and spirit is made possible." - In the Name of Jesus (pp 65-68)

I don't believe I can add a whole lot to that.

-peaks out.

house or home...

2009-01-08T15:00:00.002-05:00

so i was with this amazing friend of mine last tuesday. he's one of those guys you like to do about anything with, work, talk, drink coffee, etc. so as we were hanging out, we were "removed" from the local coffee shop for they were closing, so we went on a drive. we drove all around my quaint town and for some reason started talking about houses. largely due to him remodeling this old home he is currently dwelling. nonetheless, we went to my favorite part of town, where all the "rich" folk live.

the area is called riverview and it is a lovely place. the best part about it is that all the houses are completely unique. you can tell that different homes were built at different times, for different kinds of people, and even in very unique styles. you have the tudor mansion sitting right next to a colonial masterpiece with its opulent columns, which is adjunct to a late 70s art deco home that has more angles than a geometry textbook. as we discussed my love of architecture, we just reveled in the craftsmanship of these homes, pointing out dorian columns, keystone artistry, and sumptuous foyers that were seen through massive windows every home we gazed.

the funny thing was that the day before as i was waiting to eat grecian food with a new friend, i traversed another of my favorite places - ghent. as i drove through riverview, i immediately resonated the same sentiments as i meandered the ghentonian neighborhoods. there was uniqueness overwhelming me in each home. i was able to see the time period and recognize even the people who lived in these homes as i glimpsed through the windows for further insight into their lives. both of these places are "historic," however, their historicity was not bound, it randomly had a "not" in their patterns of home style for each street. i was amazed to see a house that was royal blue. not that faded blue that you find in most kitchens but a blue so vivid that all i could think was of peacock's and their color palette. i was so intrigued by these houses.

and then something hit me. what makes a house a home. what is a house? my thought was a house is merely an edifice that holds people for when they do not occupy their work. and then i thought, when you walk into a house, you don't say, "wow, this feels 'housey,' you say, this feels 'homey.' " why? because a home is a place that people don't merely stay, but it is where they live. a home is a place that invites and welcomes and extends and comforts. it a house that hugs. it makes you feel cared for and loved. and then God just blew my mind.

people are like houses. we are all unique, we are all styled, we are all aged. we are edifices that hold things and guard things, or merely occupy a space. none of us are exactly the same, we are all unique, but in that uniqueness our houses are telling people different things. some houses have 4 foot walls around them. some homes don't have windows. some homes only have one door. in that same regard, people are the same way. we have walls, we don't let everyone in, we make people relate to us only through the door of our choice, etc. but then i looked back to those houses.

the ones i wanted to go in, where the ones that were open for all to see. they were the ones with the huge windows, they are the ones that you could see the art on their walls, their huge furniture, their books, their tvs, and their kitchens. the ones that were inviting were the ones that were truly homes. so now as people are, how are we being homey and inviting? or are we houses that have never been called homey? have we failed to let others in because we are selfish and are fearful of what they might say or do in our house? or maybe they will want to come to secured places and we don't want them to.

my heart was challenged as i thought that i often am probably not as homey as i should be. i still pull a house on people and make them stand from the street to engage in my life. then i thought of Jesus in the upper room discourse and how he said, i go to prepare a place for you. or in other words, i go to make my father's house homey for you. jesus shows that in our relationships we should be as the early church and be people who are hospitable. not just merely in the natural sense of our homes, but of our lives. how are we inviting and caring and warm towards those that we come in contact with. do people want to be let into our homes? or do they sense our cold house and decided to not tread on the "no trespassing" sign we have plastered on the door to our hearts.

what if we opened our lives to others, not merely for others, but for the benefit of us as well. everyone knows that when a house is not lived it, it will fall apart. i wonder how many people are falling apart because no one has been sitting on their heart's couch.

i want to open my doors and welcome people into my house. so that my house may become a home for both others and for Jesus. when's the last time you invited someone over? i plan to do so today.

- peaks out.

in the beginning...

2008-12-26T12:09:00.004-05:00

so last week i was talking to my newfound mentor and he asked a very simple but awesome question: what is the Bible all about? support your answer.

so as i thought about things (and typically when i think of anything Bible related), i end up going to John 1, 1 John 1, and Genesis 1 - i suppose all the "beginning" texts in my mind. i ended up saying something not pieced together about what the Bible is about. something to the effect of the Bible is the story of the stories of God extending relationship to those who were not in right relationship. i focused on 1 John when it spoke about Christ coming to bring fellowship with the Father, with him and with one another (vs 3). it was nothing profound, just the first thought that came to mind.

well as i have been obsessed with relational concepts and with "beginnings." i was flabbergasted to read an incredible quote in the newest Leonard Sweet book 11 (who if you ever get a chance to read anything by that man - do it! - he's one of my favorite authors). the quote was from another one of my favorite books I and Thou by Martin Buber. Buber said, "In the beginning is relation." i had totally forget this small but powerful phrase in Buber's magnus opum.

so as i sit here in panera bread in ghent (one of my favorite places in the universe), i have been plagued all morning with this concept of "in the beginning is relation." i decided to look into the word "relation." since "relationships" are one of my favorite enterprising conversations, i should know these things. relation comes from relacion (Anglo-French) from relatio (Latin) from referre (past participle relatus) (Latin), which means to carry back. i was both struck by this simple etymology. relation in essence means to carry back. i will unveil my thinking of this concept after i touch the 7 definitions of relation according to Merriam-Webster.

the first definition means - the act of retelling or recounting an account. immediately my mind began to think about the whole beginning thing. to reveal that relation is the begin, it would have to have some semblance of retelling or recounting an account. Hmm, maybe the beginning is when we start to tell or rather retell the account God has in his heart from before the dawn of time. this totally reminds me of the "deeper magic" in Lewis' Lion, Witch and the Wardrobe, where Aslan speaks of a magic that was deeper than the things written down upon the stone table. God's relation of his heart to something else was the beginning? my mind is flooded with thoughts.

the second definition is - an aspect or quality (as resemblance) that connects two or more things or parts as being of belonging or working together or as being of the same kind - a property. so relation is about a connection revealing that something is of the same substance and maybe even interactive or engaging between two parts. There seems to be something that is connective when we speak about relationships in that maybe there is a spark of sharpening or a thread of interwovenness that might occur in the metaphors of Proverbs and Ecclesiastes respectively.

the third definition - the referring by a legal fiction of an act to a prior date as the time of its taking affect (used with back). A reference to something that has already happened in the past and its affects are now seen now. Something like "imperfective" action perhaps. A little of the Lamb being slain before the foundation of the world?

fourth definition - a person connected by consanguinity or affinity: relative; person legally entitled to a share of the property of an intestate; kinship. Here we have both sonship and heirship. There is a sharing of the property and an affinity to recognize. It is that "congratulations, it's a boy," and a congratulations of "you graduated" all wrapped in one thing, relationship. The family is extended, the treasures expended. it's all for you and it's all for us. Recalls a little prodigal son action, eh?

fifth definition - reference, respect as in "in relation to." This speaks of a perspective shift. From being a mere referent, which is the "lesser" field of vision to engaging someone where each becomes a reference, with their own thoughts and views who can begin to see how their views fuse with others to create an overall better viewpoint, that is most likely outside of themselves for it fuses theirs and them together. This seems to smell of the body of Christ and each part having its own function and perspective.

sixth definition - the attitude or stance which two or more persons or groups assume toward one another. this begins the thought of relation is about knowing, but not merely knowing but rather a wrestling. an relentless desire to be face to face with another person to learn and exchange what is known. this makes me think about the beautiful story of Jacob wrestling with God, assuming he knew something about God, only to find out something very different as they pursued each other through grappling. i think of this being a confrontational approach to relation.

seventh definition - the state of being mutually or reciprocally interested (as in social or commercial matters): dealings, intercourse: sexual intercourse. this is much like the last but it is the next level of grappling with people, it is when you realize that you are close enough to them that there is a mutual desire for the others betterment. this resonates with the Hebrew word - yadah - which means to know; it also has sexual connotations. there is a knowing that comes in this closeness with people that i think i would call intimacy. there is a reciprocity that happens when you are in the embrace of another person, a vulnerability that happens here, and a sense of trust for when you are in the embrace, you don't see anything else around you. you are completely involved. I thought of John laying on Jesus chest in the Upper Room. That is a closeness of leaning upon another's heart. What a flagrant showing of relation.

in all of my thinking and pondering i thought about this: "In the beginning is relation." I realized something powerful. Jesus is relation. He came to relay and retell the reality of relationship that God has extended to the earth from the echelons of time. He came to show us how to live in the tension of being property of two worlds, both heaven and earth. He came to communicate how he has done it all before this began and it is being extended continually to any who will receive. He came to show that we through his relation with the Father are now family as sons and daughters, and therefore receive all of the inheritance of life with the family. He came to show not only did he have a perspective of Heaven, but also embraced a perspective of earth so that there was full understanding and experience. He came to confront us with the way we have been living life and wrestle us to the place that we could come to never walk the same again, but that we would walk with him. Jesus showed intimacy time and time again as he served, loved, spoke, listened, cared, moved, walked, and empowered those with him and us now with that unrequited trust of himself to us.

the verse that my mentor said the Bible is all about, which i totally agree with is from Jesus' own mouth, he says, "These are my words that I spoke to you while I was still with you, that everything written about me in the Law of Moses and the Prophets and the Psalms must be fulfilled." I love that the story of relationship and fellowship is not merely in the "lifetime" of Jesus, but that it has always been there. relation is always there.

in the beginning is relation. in the then is relation. in the now is relation. in the end is relation.
in the beginning, in the then, in the now, in the end, is Jesus.

i so want relation. i so want Jesus.

- peaks out.

Put on.

2008-12-17T10:35:00.002-05:00

Colossians 3.12, 14 - "But on then as God's chosen ones, holy & beloved: compassion, kindness, humility, meekness, and patience...and above all these put on love, which binds everything together in perfect harmony."

i had a brilliant talk with one of the most amazing people in the universe and we somehow began to talk about the power of unity (inadvertently), and what would happen if we all really sought the good of others to the fullest extent by promoting the connectedness that Christ encourages us to embrace.

as i was reading Colossians 3 through again, i was struck by this passage, as i have been every day for the last week. my thought has been such: when is the last time i first and foremost recognized that i am chosen one, who is both set apart and loved continually? do i walk around thinking that i am the crazy loved one of God, who he picked when choosing the world's dodgeball team? if i am loved that much and accepted so willingly, then what shall i do?

i should throw on some Jesus' swagg: compassion - the moving of the inner parts longing for the mercy of God to be connected to another constantly reaching out to those in need, kindness - the unconditional goodness to every person you meet always giving them the best, humility - regarding that person beside, in front, behind of you as being better than yourself, seeking to level yourself for their sake, meekness - the strength to be able to submit to one another in both tenderness and extension, and patience - knowing that you can always wait because a wait increases worth.

however, as grandiose all of these things, Paul exhorts that above all these, we should put on love. love, the ever elusive ideal. however, i have been viewing love differently these days. if God is love, then in order to put on love, i have to put on God. i think that maybe love is a bit of all of these things - or rather the interweaving of each of these characteristics. if we were to evaluate the love of God, i think that Jesus would be the par excellence of love. the words, the deeds, the extension, the wait (33 years approx.), he totally showed the way to weave these things into a commitment of utmost giving of oneself for another. earlier in Colossians, it speaks of this interweaving of all things because in Jesus all things consist or are held together.

i recall that Jesus said, "Greater love has no one than this, that someone lays down his life for his friends" (Jn. 15.13). i just felt like there Jesus was again, weaving what i have been learning about friends earlier this week into this passage of love and "garments" i should be wearing. as i know most of us don't feel that we could ever live to this greater love by dying for someone; however, i have two thoughts that have spoken to me as of late. if you cannot die for someone to show your love, what if you lived for them? what if instead of giving your life, you gave your time?

my question to myself is what am i giving up for the sake of others? am i willing to have my life decrease in order that he might increase and hopefully clothe me as a beloved, who is beloved-ing? i dunno, but i am going to put on love. however, i can.

- peaks out.

quest....friendship

2008-12-15T11:33:00.000-05:00

from Out of the Question...Into the Mystery by Leonard Sweet:

"as we consider God's re-Orientation of Christianity, bear in mind that is a movement, not statement. It is more about exploring than about ensconcing. Jesus asked his closest followers: "Who do you say I am?" Each of us, if we are to follow him today, must answer the same question. And as we seek the answer, we find that it is less a question than a quest. The yoking of relationship and quest is deliberate...Part of the uniqueness of humanity, beings created in the image of God, is our instinct to seek and enjoy the pleasures of seeking. It is born in us to dare, to desire, and to delight in the Quest. Questing-made-possible is who we are. Some say it's our solo advantage as a species. But the Quest is not a set of questions. The Quest is the mystery of getting lost in the GodLife relationship." (p. 10)

i guess yesterday afternoon i started to think about this whole idea of questing (or journeying). i suppose it began as i listened to pastor preach a message about the Son of Sons. i thought so much to myself about how much mystery is packed into the man called Jesus as the pastor spoke of the Wonderful, Counselor, Almighty God, Prince of Peace. i thought to myself, how am i currently experiencing the man Jesus.

i think the best way i can see Jesus right now is my friend. this is a two-edged sword. it contains incredible implications, but it also increases the level of risk. recently, i have been finding that in my friendships i am constantly overwhelmed with uncertainty. i think i attempt to predict both people's friendships and even Jesus' with my "relational prowess;" but what i am finding is mystery interwoven in every relationship. i just don't ever know what to expect. i am totally overwhelmed and blown away simultaneously by both the error of my process and the exceeding of my expectations.

at first i was very disturbed by my unsettledness and then i realized that Jesus was saying something different. he said, "jason, this mystery is not a bad thing, it's the beauty of relationship. it never ceases. it is endless. it is always a pursuit. it is always a new revealing. it is heart disclosure. et cetera." when i hear Jesus speak like that i immediately began to think about emmaus (see luke 24.13-35) and that they were with Jesus on this journey and didn't even know it was him because he didn't disclose it. he wanted them to recognize them and to know how it "feels" to be with him, by their sensing and discernment.

i just want to be able to discern better on this journey. i want to know when my friend Jesus is doing something or not participating. i want the mystery. i want the revelation. i want Jesus. i want the heart of the "emmaus-ites" when "they urged him strongly saying - Stay with us...did our hearts not burn within us while he talked to us on the road..." i am pleading for Jesus to stay with me and to burn in my heart. hope you might do the same.

embracing the friendship, the journey, the mystery.

- peaks out

Numbers 13.30

2008-12-03T10:10:00.002-05:00

"But Caleb quieted the people before Moses and said, "Let us go up at once and occupy it, for we are well able to overcome it."

in my spiritual formation class yesterday, my professor, who i bestow utmost respect unto basically blew me away. she told us that she prayed for each person in the class and asked the Lord to give her a verse and a word for them. i immediately thought, that was very kind of her to give us a verse. however, after the first word, i realized that she was really speaking prophetically to each of us. these verse were really declarations from the Father over our lives.

i immediately began to feel a confirmation in my spirit as she went down the order of the class, sharing her (God's heart) for them. she was even moved to tears a few times. my closest friends in the class received unbelievable words about:

the anointing on their life to change this generation, about their ability to combine wisdom and humility in teaching, to be able to know that they could do anything and God would be behind it, to stand before kings and interpret those things that others couldn't with wisdom and tact, to know that the Lord is singing his love over them constantly as protection, and that they should embrace their leadership ability for they have been faithful.

throughout the class, i just begin to feel the Lord really stirring some things up for people to encourage them in and tell them.

then she said, "jason..." and my heart became as tumultuous as the sea in the midst of a storm. she quoted numbers 13.30 about Caleb basically seeing not the obstacles and not the challenges, but sees the promise and the potential of what God has in store. she spoke on about how Caleb was full of youthfulness and that he lived a long life and that God was going to do that in me, and eventually give me the mountain (Hebron) as an inheritance.

immediately, i had a flash back to right after i got saved and the Lord had been using the story of Caleb to blow me away and to encourage me to be bold in him. i can honestly say that i have not been as bold as i can be about the things of God, but that is what was so special about this word because God has just began to bring some of those old things to surface in my life. the authority, the overcoming spirit, the unwillingness to take 'no' for an answer. there is a new tenacity for the things of God and what he has spoken and promised. this word was pregnant with meaning to me for it was truly a commentary on so many aspects of my life.

one of these aspects is about my relationships with people. for some reason, i never look at the main characters, always the overlooked ones. i.e. Gideon, Caleb, Jonathan (Saul's son), Barnabus. it's not that they are less important or aren't mentioned, but most of the time others are heralded (Joshua, David, Paul, respectively). this heart of Caleb to be one to remind those around him to go and overcome is latent in all of these men. Barnabus saw in Paul what most did not see, Jonathan committed his entire life and kingdom to David, yielding all that he had. Caleb submitted to Joshua as his commander and supported him in all that he did. it was just incredible that God has placed me in so many people's lives as this 2nd guy. most the people i am around are the Joshua's, David's and Paul's, which is awesome. i realize that my heart is always to see them reach their goals for the kingdom of God, which in turn causes my dreams to come true, much like Caleb.

ironically, since i first "encountered" the spirit of Caleb when i was a young believer, i have always wanted to name a son caleb. maybe just as a reminder of what God is saying. this word was that reminder of the passion and vigor of Caleb. this passion and vigor for the kingdom and for the leaders of the kingdom led him to living in 2 generations the one of the wilderness as well as the promised land. how incredible is that? i am encouraged that God is going to use me as a person who is going to bridge the generations and encourage both generations to "go up at once and occupy it, for we are well able to overcome it."

thus, i embrace this "different spirit" of Caleb and follow the Lord fully so i might go into all he has called me unto"and the land had rest from war."

fear...

2008-11-22T08:14:00.002-05:00

heard this last night, "Fear is believing that the outcome will be negative...faith is believing that the outcome will be positive."

don't fear and remain rejected, embrace love and adoption, have faith, and see what God does.

leaves & mercy

2008-11-20T07:31:00.002-05:00

probably for about two weeks, i have been thinking about the story of the blind beggar who exclaimed, "Son of David, have mercy." i don't know why this verse sticks out now and not from any of the thousands of times i have heard it in sunday school. the story just came alive for me in worship, was we were singing, "worthy, worthy, you are worthy," or something to that effect and i remember thinking, "my God you're so worthy but i just need you so much," and then i recall opening my mouth and singing, "Son of David, have mercy." i am sure people were thinking what is he talking about, due to the newness of their faith. nonetheless, i went back to just re-read this passage so i could maybe acquire some revelation about what was occurring. As Jesus responded to his persistent cries with a question of "What do you want?" He simply responded, "Lord, let me recover my sight." there was something so pregnant in that phrase for me. my heart began to reel and i realized, my God, have i lost my sight? have i been unable to perceive your very presence, have i missed your voice calling, am i blind to what is really occurring in my world? and i thought to myself, perhaps, i too am a beggar who although i hear a crowd passing by, i don't know what is going on. or perhaps when i do inquire, and i realize the significance of that moment and i have a choice - to be silenced by those around me or to begin to desperately ask for mercy, for wholeness, for life. i love that when he asked of the Lord in faith he was made whole. the greatest part of this story for me however is not merely his healing, but it says, he followed him, glorifying God. i just long to find wholeness in the Lord's touch and in his path.

that path. the one of glory. what an incredible picture that i received this morning as i meandered around campus waiting for them to open the buildings. i began walking on an asphalt road covered with leaves, i then proceeded to walk through the grass with leaves ebbing and flowing from about my feet. the light thrush of them echoing the rhythm of my corduroys zipping as i walked gingerly. i looked down to catch a glimpse and saw the most amazing fractal patterns of leaves aligned on the ground and i immediately wondered, how did i miss this beauty yesterday? Lord, recover my sight. i know that as i will begin to see with his eyes that i will be able to glorify God and praise him from a latent place in my heart. let our hearts revive with the questions of Jesus and be found to praise him for his questions, for he will give to us upbraideth not, when we respond to him.

so i will forever see leaves and the mercy God entwined. recover our sight, we have no other way.

- peaks out

dibere hanavi'im

2008-11-10T22:36:00.002-05:00

for those of you not in hebrew grammar, which i am currently abusing my brain with, dibere hanavi'im means "words of the prophet." this week my mom preached a fantastic message on basically salvific history and how one can always find the Lord looking for a place built unto him. i felt it was one of the most prophetic sermons i heard in ages. one of those re-alignment to the will, word, plan, and purpose of God kind of sermons. due to its optimality i decided to dedicate my playlist for this week to prophetic songs that have moved my heart back into alignment with His. hope you enjoy.

"lullaby for a petrified sacred society" - this song is written by the brilliant Jason Upton, who speaks of the church's insulation from the world and its willingness to build a safe system away from harm aka people not associated with church. hauntingly beautiful.

"eyes for you (ps 141)" - sarah mcintosh & phil wickham - this song is one of the most incredible songs about redirecting our hearts back to the Lord. "dear Lord, i only have eyes for you." wow, what passion, what direction, what penetration.

"you won't relent" - kim walker & chris quilila - this song takes the gritty voice of an angel and makes that voice soar over guitar laden beauty. it is so unbelievably intense, that i can't help but echo the song, "my heart is Yours..."

"no limits (enlarge my territory)" - israel houghton - this man's ability to hear what God is saying in the Spirit is ridiculous. i have been thinking about how this should move our hearts to not being limited in our actions towards the lost and not towards experiencing everything that God has for me. "break forth...release me...enlarge my territory"

"my soul longs for you" - misty edwards - a song of hope and anticipation calling us to desire the things of the lord on a deeper level than we have before - "i believe you will come like the rain."

"healing rain" - michael w. smith - i know, right, michael w, so totally not my style, but this song is respectful for sure. the declaration of healing and the wholeness and security it brings truly is inspiring. "healing rain is falling down, healing rain is falling down, i'm not afraid."

"we wait upon you" - free chapel live - this song just beckons for the Lord to reveal himself to us in a real way in a now time.

"you'll come" - hillsong & all constituents - a powerful anthem about how as "surely as the sun will rise, you'll come to us...chains be broken and lives be healed, eyes be opened, Christ is revealed." this song makes me want to shout to the highest heavens.

"when i speak your name" - elizabeth clark (christ for the nations) - you cannot control this song, just like you cannot contain the name of Jesus. it is the name that causes everything to change. mountains moving, darkness fleeing. "there is life in the name, power in the name of Jesus." her voice expresses how desperate she is personally for Jesus as she goes as far as singing her voice out. raw worship at its finest.

"lion of judah" - jason upton - this song always takes me back to aslan in the chronicles of narnia reminding me that the lion will gather those people who are "nameless, placeless, and a faceless tribe" who more than anything just fear the lord. these people will be the movers and shakers, the prophets and the priests.

"holy visitation" - rita springer - a song full of eastern styles employing serious minor key movement that really declares a powerful word about the Lord coming with a holy visitation. calling people to return to him with "fasting and weeping and mourning...between porch and altar." it ends with a cry of war upon the enemy and awesome drums thumping the cadence.

- peaks out.

slow motion....

2008-11-06T20:22:00.003-05:00

so today after our goodbye luncheon/birthday party office staff, we arrived back at the church to find out that my dad went to the ER.

i can't tell you how scared i was to hear that my amazing father was in the ER. and then it got worse, they told us it might have been a heart attack. my mind was blown because my dad is a healthy guy that eats well and works out like 6 days a week.

i felt so unbelievably helpless as i ran to be with my mom and my dad. i didn't have any deep thoughts or questions, i just thought how much i absolutely love my father. despite his awfully lame jokes, his awkward comments, his explosive personality, and his ability to embarrass me at every chance, i think he is the best freakin' dad in the world. i thought i don't tell him that i love him enough. i don't give to him as he constantly gives to me. i felt that i had nothing to offer him except be his crazy son that challenges him on everything he says. helplessnessly overwhelmed with my father's love for me, i found myself wanting. i need my dad. i need his insight. i need his wisdom. i need his passion for others and for the Lord.

everything feels like its slow motion and i am the only thing blazing forward. i hate that i don't feel that i can embrace the situation and everything God is saying. i am trusting the Lord, but i have to focus on worship, on school, on everything else and all i want to do is sit on the couch with my dad and know that all is well in the world. hanging with my poppy, my pops, my pache. kissing on his buzzed head and hugging him like a bear.

jesus, thank you for giving grace to my family and the bigger realization of your love for me through my dad.

on the technical side of things, dad had a 99% blockage in one of the arteries in the back of his heart. every other artery was completely fine. just that one. the docs said that basically he got the ER before any damage could really be done to his heart. he is going to have to take it easy as they put a shunt in that artery. he is currently in ICU being closely monitored and tomorrow will probably be moved to a regular room. we hope he can come home on saturday. great thing...no longtime or short term heart damage.

just keep praying for us and our church family.

love you all.

slowing motion.

- peaks out.

"all will be well" by gabe dixon band is on repeat.

scissorhands. (and a playlist to accompany)

2008-11-02T21:15:00.004-05:00

so yesterday i was speaking with a friend of mine after we had worked a lot of the day on homework and somehow i began to talk about a movie quote that I love,

"i'm not finished" - edward scissorhands

this thought has resonated in my heart and i suppose in my head since then. but in worship tonight it was brought back like a tuning fork struck with such tremendous force that i could barely bear it. i was brought to my knees as i realized that currently i have been really acting "finished." it is almost like my school and my work have been my validation in the aspects of my life, whether it be friends or my relationship with God. tonight, instead of being deluded by my thoughts of "being okay," i found myself realizing the greatness of my need. it was like i looked down and my scissorhands had ruined the real hands God has been trying to give me this whole time. so by my hiding behind the walls of false completion i have missed out on what God wants for me. i've now come to the point that i had to recognize that like it says in psalm 51 that i need Yahweh to rebuild my heart into something new and untainted by my ability, and i need his Spirit to come and refresh my life with its incredible transforming power. i know that he wants to be the giver of unmerited grace and covenant love to me so that he can make me finished apart from me. i'm now okay with the fact that i have scissorhands. one day God will give me those hands and i have so much expectation for today that he will do it in the best time. until then, i will relish my scissorhands. i know that i need a mediator for my life otherwise i cannot be touched or touch others with my life. Jesus is the perfect bubble wrap for my unfinishedness. i revel in him. Son of David have mercy on me.

- peaks out

scissorhand playlist:

1. rescue me - adam watts - providence of God played this song on itunes as it was shuffling as i wrote this blog. coincidence, doubt it.

2. unrestrained - calvin nowell - wow. love it. worship is all about being real and uninhibited.

3. i am nothing - shawn mcdonald - i am just dust without Christ

4. grace will be my song - fee - "jesus, lover of the weak...with strength to carry me"

5. we need you Lord - jonathan butler - simple declaration of our need

6. grace for me - michael gungor band - "even though i'm not yet flawless, you are forming me, your grace for me is all i need..."

7. to deserve - jonathan stockstill - "with my hands lifted high, i will praise you as king, for what have i done, to deserve like yours"

8. sing my love - kim walker (jesusculture) - song of the overflow

9. take me - worth dying for - "broken for your glory"

10. nothing back - according to john - "take all of me, cause i have decided....all i got and all i am, all my dreams, all my plans, i'm holding back, i'm holding nothing back from you."

11. gazing - future of forestry - "like a child i'm gazing into wonderous grace"

12. only a man - jonny lang - reminder that we are still human.

J's Weekly Playlist

2008-10-26T20:13:00.004-04:00

due to my amazing friend Kris....and watching a movie with Jer & Donna...i decided to rock a playlist for the upcoming week.

1. with everything - hillsong live - this song totally moves my soul toward Jesus.

2. all will be well - gabe dixon band - a recently enjoyed band

3. don't miss now - downhere - "for choosing the road less travelled..."

4. the arms of my savior - lincoln brewster - john mayeresque groove

5. son of man (bless the lord) - tye tribbett - makes me want to dance (and be black)

6. ashes and flames - john mark mcmillan - coffee anyone? this is the perfect segue to a salted caramel hot chocolate with a solo shot.

7. your love never fails - jesusculture (chris quilala) - pretty much my anthem ever morning

8. treasure - trevor davis - a little funkaliciousness about where your heart is...

9. sacred place - future of forestry - been learning about "creating a space" in scripture and this song reminds me of what happens when i make space for Him.

10. kiss the air - danny calvert (music of scottt alan) - love this voice and the honesty of the lyrics

hope you enjoy any or all of these...i sure am.

- peaks out

in the beginning...

2008-10-19T16:38:00.003-04:00

i am in the midst of fall break and although i desire to not do a solitary thing, i am in the library staring at my hebrew workbook and the twenty pages that i get to work on the next week. ugh. so instead of getting my work down, since my motivation is at a superb low, i decided to talk about the beginning...

this morning, pastor (aka mom) shared a crazy awesome message about "in the beginning..." she surveyed a few passages about things that occurred at the beginning and let me persuade you that i was blown away at the words she brought forth. as we went to genesis 1, i recalled to my mind some interesting things God taught me about the first two verses of the Bible, here's vs 2.

"the earth was without form and void, and darkness was over the face of the deep. And the Spirit of God was hovering over the face of the waters."

God has and continued to reveal to me about this place of "formlessness." it is a place that we should begin our day, it is a refuge that we should cling to, it is assuredly the formation chamber in which we allow ourselves to change.

there is so much talk about this place of formlessness being a back thing; however, i believe that a full reading of this passage reveals that in that state of formlessness, God has the potential for everything he was going to and did create. that place of not knowing, of darkness, of formless allows for a couple things to occur in our lives:

1. it allows for us to recognize that we do not have to buy into the forms of the world, but instead we call allow God to form us daily. we do not have to be satisfied with stereotypes, facades, or predisposition, we can trust God's version of us and his plan, will, purpose and design for me and you. for if we know our state of formlessness, we are allowing him to rule our lives and not ourselves.

2. formlessness is the place of teachableness. if we set up so much structure and adherents, we end up never allowing for God to teach or reveal to us how to live. our systems can prevent God's desires and wishes, but that teachableness will expand our opportunity to minister and to live out the kingdom of God. in this status of being without form, we truly can function in anything, not held back and not self or others limitations.

in the beginning, God created. he did it, not me. i don't know why we think that we can form ourselves in anything but him. for if we do, we simply end up with the predicament of failing under our own laws and perspectives instead of being refreshed by the Lord.

enough for now. i think i am going to return to formlessness this whole week. more to come.

- peaks out.

this morning...

2008-10-15T09:12:00.008-04:00

i am having a great week. i am seeing God bless me all over the place. this morning i was having coffee with a friend and God just struck my heart's strings with a crazy seventh chord, which has yet to resolve to the major chord. it's so haunting me. i'd thought i would SOC (stream of consciousness) what i was thinking....

this was stream of consciousness, so I hope you can follow.

So I had this incredible discussion this morning with a brother about Love and its relation to everything. It basically touched me to my core. I’ve been crying quite a bit this morning (in a good way). Jesus drives me crazy when he does that. ; )

Is love not to be our motivation in all that we do? Whether we are going to school or we are working in a church or rocking a career/writing center, we should be doing it out of love. What’s the point of having vision or amazing plans if that interwoven thread behind it is not love.

I guess recently, I have found myself trying to visioneer things for my life and focused a lot on success. This morning Jesus just hit me with his love as part of these things. The success and wealth of life is not measured by what I attain or what I believe is “good.” The only good thing is God, and God is love, so the only good thing would have functionality due to love. If not for love, would Jesus have died? Not to merely move and do things, but I think to bring us into relationship with the Father, causing us to move and do things with love as the backbone to our efforts.

Great Commandment. It’s about Love. It’s crazy, because if you think about it, God is inviting us to partake in his divine nature, since he is love. Wow, he is basically allowing me and granting me an opportunity to share in what his essence is. That’s insane. I have never thought about Love being such a honor to be able to partake of.

Like I have been saying of late, humans don’t have the capacity to love without the Lord’s loving them first. So then we are able to drink of the cup of covenant love and are able to share it with those around us, dispensing not ourselves, our ideas, or our philosophies, but his love. My love is always his love, if it is actually love and not some distortion of love or relationship.

This passage has been where I am in my devotions and it has this concept in and throughout it. Check it out if you get a chance. Here are a few excerpts:

Colossians 1:28-2:3

Vs. 29 - “for this I toil struggling with all HIS energy that HE may powerfully works within ME ( emphasis mine)”

Ch 2 Vs. 2 - “that their hearts may be encouraged, being knit together in love to reach all the riches of full assurance of the understanding and the knowledge of God’s mystery, which is Christ.”

I am just challenge by love in these two verses. First, in the first verse, that I would constantly see that it is his love that he works in me. Not my love that I can attempt to conjure or replicate. I must be a conduit for his love to flow through. (Circle/Arrows extended) Second, the maturity that Paul is speaking of is only brought about by the encouragement so that they can be tied in love which will allow them to begin to partake in the mystery of the Gospel, Jesus and his “love life.”

In the midst of my life right now, my prayer is Ps. 59.10 that “My God who shows me steadfast love will meet me...and then bring me victory” (Peaks Paraphrase). Let your life be met with the Love of God. So that in and through you, not only will you be changed, but everyone you come in contact will be thus impacted. Good morning and welcome to living the Great Commandments, eh?

-peaks out.

humility

2008-10-08T09:32:00.002-04:00

yesterday i was hanging out in the beautiful weather with a group of my closest friends and we were talking about humility. this is an interesting concept to discuss for people have various opinions of what humility. as we talked this is what was said:

humility is....

- honesty, quoted from Mother Theresa

- banana cream pie, in comparison with million-dollar pie or cheesecake, that it looks simple and a mess but it carries with it the wonderful experience of being the best (by a pie lover)

- openness and vulnerability

- submission to another's will and way

- to prefer others more than yourself

the awesome thing about this discussion is that the shades of meaning in each of these definitions really reveals the person. for instance the quote was by the leadership expert in our group who has that ability to be the pastor of the group. the banana creme pie was by our comedic genius who revels in his ability to bring humor to the most serious situations (this is aided by his thick southern accent). this guy has never ceased to make me laugh, i'm pretty sure he's going to be a youth pastor. the openness answer came from one of the most transparent individuals i have ever met. he seems like he is just a great guy, but this guy is so practical and so constantly walking out his life in an open way. i know that God has called him into the ministry, and he is going to rock at it. the preference for others answer was our group's intellectual and Bible teacher. he totally epitomizes the professor as his quoting of scripture alludes to his prowess biblically and the "technical" right answer. i came up with submission to another. i guess more than anything, i am finding that when i love someone that i find myself submitting myself to them by realizing how much i need them, which for me is humility. it was an experience that i will remember for a long time. i wonder what you think humility is...and how it explains you as a person.

-peaks out.

fyi, i love each of these guys incredible and i did not mean to present any of them negatively, so take everything that i said about their differences as being a strength to the group and not as one person is better than the other. each one of these guys is unbelievably amazing.

chicken, eagles, and shovels...

2008-10-07T07:33:00.003-04:00

so the last few days have been ridiculous. not good by any means. frustrating, angering, etc. but in the midst of me being grouchy, i found that God was teaching me some things using chickens and eagles and shovels to show me what was up. let me explain before you believe that i eat chickens and eagles for dinner after i "dwayne carson" them with a shovel (hit them over the head).

i was in the library enjoying my day of self loathing studying intensely for hebrew, which is currently the love/hate relationship i am involved with, when my good friend darren came in. at some point, i vented partially about my current situations, and he just looked at me like i was a lunatic. i understand that i am a bit dramatic and more times than naught i am absurd in my use of verbiage to describe my life. he then says, you wanna read something? i assure you that the last thing i wanted to do was to read something from dboy (as i dubbed him), who is the biggest stud on the campus. nonetheless, after a few more admonishments, i took the bait. I began this story about an eagle living with chickens due to a lost parent. in this story, the farmer told his son that an eagle will not learn to fly like chickens, because they were different. the chickenesque eagle had totally bought into what he believed he was instead of the truth. of course this was directly relating to me being a grouch, when that is not my tendency. the story ended with the farmer throwing the chickenesque eagle off a cliff and watching that eagle realize what he was by soaring. darren was smirking about this story, and since i had already taken the bait, i stated quite boldly, i am a big chicken huh? he laughed very hard which is awesome, cause he laughs in such a way that all the blood runs to his face and he turns a little red. its that same kind of red when i tell him that every girl at the university has him on their radar. nonetheless, i appreciate darren's willingness to not let me remain in that state. immediately after that story, i got a phone call.

phone calls are normally exciting, but as i looked down into my chicken communication device, my best friend Kevin was calling. he always says what i need to be doing so i was a little fearful in answering. simultaneously, i think that even in the toughest times, his loving but tough words have always helped me. i told him the situation of me being a chicken instead of an eagle followed by his laughter and a quick reference to my favorite moment from Scrubs, in which eagle is declared loudly. love that moment. after we discussed both my life and his, we closed our awesome conversation, which was so full of life that i was soaring before the first sentence began. the closure was a picture about shovels. have you ever seen two people use a shovel at the same time, it doesn't work. much like my life when i am using the shovel and not letting God have control. so we talked about emptying our hands to receive what God was digging for so that we could receive what he has instead of what we labor for. i'm now an empty handed, soaring eagle. the life i live is not me, but Christ in me. woo. peaks out.

a reattempt...

2008-10-05T22:44:00.002-04:00

it's been numerous months since i have blogged. i was definitely encouraged by a recent encounter with a dear friend while hanging with him last weekend. so i am going to attempt to try it again. there is a lot going on for sure, but i guess i'll sum up life as a start:

i am working at my dad's church as the creative arts director.

i am a full time student at Regent University in old testament studies.

i am learning a lot about selfishness vs. love right now.

i am starting to love getting up at 5am.

i am a huge fan of the tv show pushing daisies.

i love hanging out with zie element and the gazebros (2 amazing small groups i am in).

life is grand.

acts 2&3...and the personal aspect of life.

2008-06-12T23:45:00.003-04:00

so i have been having some rough days. there is a lot going on, i never slow down, and a crash seems immanent. i know that sounds rough, and i am sure many have it rougher, but i was really hoping that everything would not be so darn complex. there is so much that i could say about this... however, i will digress to acts 2 and 3, only to return to the personal deal that i am referring to.

Acts 2 & 3

Let me just begin with saying this, i am not a huge fan of the book of acts, it seems to be a big place of contention with christians as to how to do "church." the crazy thing is that as i read these chapters, i didn't think about "church," i thought about life. it seems that our lives pattern the situations that are going on in this picture. the ability to reconcile these things seems uncanny. i live in a state of cognitive dissonance.

well the first thing that i note that supports this picture i am constructing of life and not church is the concept that things happen when people come together. whether it was in the upper room waiting in prayer for the Spirit to come, or if it was breaking bread daily with one another. there was always a connection to the people that surround your life. without it, you don't live. you merely exist for your own selfish ways and patterns. however, there is another way to experience life and that is with one another. i am a huge proponent of this, however, i rarely feel people get it.

life together, way better. i don't know what we think we can accomplish solo, but inevitably we cannot overwhelm the power of others. the church started like this. together. they ate together, stayed together, talked together, prayed together, etc. together, etc. together. why is it that in our Christian lives that we believe that we can experience life in Christ by ourselves. this is not what i see in acts in the slightest. shoot in acts 1, they had to find another to take the fallen brothers place. why do we ostracize ourselves from the fullness of life that we could have.

funny that "fullness" in greek is pleroma. this word basically connotes something overwhelming to the nth degree. we want to have life, but we don't want the overwhelming part. just the life. that is one of the reasons why American Christianity ceases to live the abundant life. in the midst of this amazing life, full life, i am drawn to the next part of acts 2 & 3.

everywhere in the passages i keep finding the concept of wonder or amazement. some of the words that riddled my heart as i read the pages were: bewildered, amazed, astonished, in awe, perplexed, wonder, signs, mighty acts. everything that these people were living and breathing was full of something that overwhelmed them because they didn't understand everything that was happening.

i love that they were definitely willing to enjoy their amazement and accepted it as part of the life and experience that they repented to. it is a great thing to not understand your God, for if you understand him, how can he be God and you not he. there is a power in contemplation of these things, and i watched these people become enthralled with the journey to learn more. Whether it was through prayer, fasting, meal-sharing, discussing Scripture, they completely acknowledged that they were able to come to a great understanding through the things God has given us, whether that means the Word, his Spirit, or his people.

Thus fullness of life comes when amazement meets togetherness leading them to understanding.

This concept is the next thing I would lend to learn. If you watch anytime these things occurred, whether it was amazement of tongues being spoken, or lame men healed, that there was always some understanding that would be bequeathed to them. this mostly occurred through the preaching of the Word, however the Spirit moved in like fashion to bring them to a place of learning aptly what was occurring.

I guess to sum all of these things up, i lend towards Acts 3:19-21, 26 (peaks paraphrase) - Change the way you have been living for your entire life, acknowledge it as less than the best, decide that God's original way of life was perfect, and come back into alignment to that purpose. When you are able to remove your old ways of living, you will be refreshed by the very experience of living life God's way only to find that God's means to this occurrence was the most redemptive process ever, to sacrifice the greatest thing he ever had, his Son Jesus, and utilize his Son's perfect walk as a way to reconnect us to the life that we always have longed for, through his death which was spoken by the Word since the beginning. If it wasn't through Jesus, we would never come to know the fullness of life that God intended for us, and we would be stuck in our own way of living on a far less fulfilling course of life.

back to the personal stuff: i take a lot of stuff personally. it isn't because i don't know that doing it is hard to deal with in ministry, but i take it personally because i recall that if people are treating me rough, then i wonder what their relationship with God is like. whether you like it our not, your relationships with God and people are indicative of each other. they are like a scale of you ability to relate. if you are failing in your relationship with people, you are probably failing in your relationship with the Lord. and vice versa. so every time people treat me poorly or say harsh things or neglect my friendship, i realize that there is a lot more going on with them spiritually and it breaks my heart to see people not where God wants them to be. that state of fullness, amazement, and togetherness.

- peaks out

i'm back....in acts

2008-06-11T22:54:00.003-04:00

so it's been a very long while since i have blogged. i apologize for keeping you wonderful people at bay. i am sure that you hoped for more glimpses of the peaks, and well, i am back by popular demand. please know that i am laughingly jokingly writing this. popular demand and i do not coexist, except maybe in my head. but nonetheless, i am back for a while. as many of you know i have just undergone a crazy ridiculous amount of insanity in my life. it's over now, the calm is here and i am writing about it.

instead of filling this page with the glories of the battles gone and pressing, i have decided to blog about my delving into the book of Acts. i'll probably just make some observations and will be able to extract what God wants for my life right now.

As for Acts:

instead of reading chapter one right away, i started in Luke 24, not the entirety of the chapter, but just enough to be able to pick up where everyone is coming from in Acts 1. here's some thoughts on Luke 24 .44-53

vs. 44 ~ Jesus reveals that everything that was in the Bible must come to pass, whether it was the prophets or it was Law of Moses. there is something here about the concept of God fulfilling every promise to us in our lives that he has spoken in the Word and in our hearts. there is great encouragement and consolation in that God is sure to bring forth what has been planted.

vs. 45 ~ after Jesus brought out this principle of fulfilling the Word, it says that he then opened their minds to understand the Scriptures. I think that we can see what God has written and given to us, when we begin to operate in a level of faith. in such, that we begin to believe the promises of God and that they will come to fruition if I will be willing to come into agreement and alignment with them. as we begin to act in our faith, it will be evident what God desires, instead of experiencing the opaqueness of trying to understand God without his active spirit.

vs. 46-47 ~ this passage then begins to reveal the understanding of what God has been trying to since time began. He revealed his plan of Jesus coming and changing everything. my favorite part comes in vs. 47, where it says that we should preach repentance and forgiveness of sins. alot of churches are preaching love superfluously. however, they are failing to realize that sin is a problem and that repentance means to completely acknowledge that your way of living life is wrong and that you need to accept to do and live life.

vs. 49 ~ Jesus calls the Spirit "the promise." it is so strange because i never recall reading that before. my brain immediately begins to think about how the Spirit has always held the promise of God and initiated it's fruition in the earth. the promise of God was penultimately that Jesus would come, and now the promise is transferred to Jesus' spirit, so that the promises are all connected, intermingled, and inseparable. the promises continues today and forevermore. how awesome is it to see God begin to release his Spirit in the earth so that all things will be changed to what they were originally purposed for.

vs. 52-53 ~ when one begins to see the promise of God and hope for it to come near, then we see that there is a response that is required, that is worship. the passage speaks about how when Jesus revealed into heaven, that they had to acknowledge him fully. in this same manner, they begin to long for the Lord as their departure would have left them with grief and sadness in their lives. however, it is in that sadness and barrenness (thank you Pastor Cappuccio), that God begins to minister and come to those places and bring life. so from the beginning of life we are set up to watch the power of the Spirit come into broken people, with broken hearts and watch them be restored to their state which God intended for them. the last thing in the book is that it reveals that when a person is longing for the Spirit of God that they will continually bless and seek God so that he may be found.

Acts 1

vs. 1-5 ~ From the very beginning of this book, we are able to see that this book is going to verify the lives of those who seek the Lord and love him wholly. There is an understanding of the kingdom of God that begins to occur through the church, powered by the Spirit of God.

* the promise of the Father is mentioned here again, which is so awesome because the book starts right away at reminding us it's connection with the entire gospel of Luke.

vs. 6-7 ~ impatience in the kingdom of God is like an oxymoron. we will never be able to know what is going on except if we know the Father. i love that we are not to concern ourselves with the who, whats, hows, but instead we should be focused on the Him. he will come and express power into our lives so that we will be able to testify who he is and what he has begun in us.

although the rest of acts 1 was really cool, these are the resonances. be blessed.

- peaks out.

authority.

2008-03-25T07:58:00.004-04:00

a son without authority is a bastard.

this morning after i had coffee with a good friend, i was thinking about sonship and about many of my friends. most of my friends and i have had a hard time with our father-son relationships due to wounds inflicted by us and them (and society). one of my buds was talking about the lack of a father figure in his life and this morning that thought came to mind.

we who are believers have become sons of God (Rom. 8.14; Gal. 3.26). however, there are many sons, who have failed to come under authority. authority is a tough word for those with failed fathers. we have a hard time listening and obeying those who we see as flawed. however, this is a wrong attitude to have. now authority is not limited to parentage alone, it deals with a much deeper issue.

authority is really about coming into submission. funny thing is that submission is really about love. when you subject yourself to others you have allowed for others to be in authority in your life. not to have domination over your life but actually to release one into freedom. it would be easy to say that we only need to come into the authority of the Spirit of God, however, as we are people and not understanding of the way God works, we need a means by which we are reminded of this authority. that is why God has provided his people as a means by which we can come to understand authority.

if you are unwilling to submit to another person, you first become unwilling to love them and in return you have become a rebel. you have become a rogue. you have become a prodigal. you have become a bastard. a fatherless child. an unauthorized son. only the son who submits has the ability to know the fullness of the Father's heart. only the son who comes into authority, understand how submission is equated to love.

although you can be a son without having authority, you will be limited in your empowerment and your influence in the father's kingdom. Jesus became this perfect example to us. he submitted himself to his Father in heaven. And similarly to the world in which he lived. he humbled himself and came under the authority of humanity by clothing himself in it, never limiting his power, instead empowering himself to overcome all things. it was that authority to both things in which he was able to reveal both love and purpose of the Father to all others. he was empowered to do miracles, healings, forgiveness, etc.

so the question is not how i can live for me, but how can i live (and love) for the authority that i am under, whether God or a father.

- peaks out.

P.S. More to come.

rez day.

2008-03-23T22:03:00.002-04:00

today is a day that we can celebrate life. it was today that we celebrate that Jesus is alive and that he has brought life to us.

i find great consolation knowing that my savior is a God who has brought life. can you imagine what kind of life one would live without the power of the resurrection? without death being overcome, there is no hope. without life we are stuck in the status quo of eternal monotony. however it is only the interference of true life that we can escape this. i am so thankful that Jesus is life and that he dispenses it to us.

he is risen indeed.

- peaks out.

hush...

2008-03-22T23:30:00.004-04:00

so i was in my car on the way back from an unfruitful gift returning trip and all of a sudden something hit me.

i was just driving in my car, oh so gingerly not rushing to get back home, merely just cruising. i even took the back way home for a more meaningful experience than coasting along the concrete path called the interstate all the way home. in the midst of my return to suffolk, i was struck by this ridiculous song. something about it just clicked deep in my being. it's called hush by waterdeep.

as the song continued i began to survey all that God has been teaching me. in the midst of my scorched places, i have seen new life, i have found more out about myself and about God. i learned about worship, i learned about longing. today, i stand before you completely and utterly moved in that scorched place. during this time period, i think God was trying to deal with me on a deeper level than i imagined. this level is sonship. earlier in the process i am undergoing i was reading in colossians 1. in that passage it talks about Jesus being the firstborn of all creation. well actually the antecedent is The Son. i began to read the entire chapter substituting all the personal pronouns with the Son. it was crazy. i began to see what happens and what is contained in sonship. it was beautiful. i didn't understand what God was trying to say then, but when i heard that ethereal voice expanse the space i knew that God was trying to get me to see that i am a son.

at this moment of realization of being a son and this lullaby singing over me, i wept. this is the first time in about 38 days. i have been such an emotional deadzone, that this and that put together brought it all together. then of course it started to rain. in my state of being a son of God, i regained a childlikeness that has persevered. i began to think that as i was shedding tears in sheer amazement of sonship. God was raining or in my mind shedding tears as well for he knew that his son was coming home. it was an overwhelming experience and then tomorrow i am to celebrate that the Son resurrected. oh the wow.

oh hush little children don't you cry. Jesus is going to die and bring us all back to life. here are the lyrics to hush, i hope it gives you a sense of sonship or daughtership:

when you feel like the days just drone on and on and on
and you feel like the nights are quickly gone

and on the inside your heart is gaping wide
and on the inside you feel like no one's on your side
well, I Am

when you thought you could rest, but you found out you were wrong
and there's another need another battle
another one more thing that comes along

and on the inside
you hear the fall but you hate the falling sound
and on the inside
you can't pick another broken piece up off the ground
well I know

hush little baby don't say a word
Daddy's gone and bought you a great big heaven to rest in
He's bought it with blood and put the seal in your heart
it'll give you the hope you need to get up and start again

when all the things you thought you left behind are still hanging on
and everything you try to do right ends up all wrong

and on the inside everyone else seems basically fine
but on the inside even they won't let go of the dead and cling to what's alive
well I AM

- peaks out

frisbee golf.

2008-03-21T23:50:00.002-04:00

a simple game: woods, discs, a chain and metal basket. who would have thought that this guy could dispense such joy.

i have found that my favorite past time is this crazy game called frisbee golf (or disc golf by the pros). it is a really great game and i just can't seem to get enough of it. i am not a fantastic player, but i enjoy it. i love that when you have a pastime, that you often realize it isn't so much about doing or playing, but more about what you aren't doing or playing. i can escape so much of the dizziness of my mind when i am focused on chucking that disc between the four overshadowing oaks on hole 4. or maybe it is about clearing the bog by tomahawking that disc as hard as i can.

this game to me has been such a great detox from life. i encourage you that if you don't know about it or haven't experienced it. one, either get ahold of me and i will go with you, or two, check it out sometime.

too much work, not enough play. but i am changing that slowly.

-peaks out

scorched places.

2008-03-20T08:41:00.002-04:00

so for about a week now i have been experiencing something like nothing i have ever known. a numbness in my emotional sphere.

i have to explain myself for i understand that this sounds complex. i am a sensitive, extreme person. in that, i often have found myself to be violently passionate whether it is extreme anger or it is soulful sobbing. i have never feared emotion. however, i realized that the deeper side of emotions, which transcend the platonic emotions that we normally contrive, have been moved and touched in my life. there are deeper emotions, i think ones that are only experienced in the spiritual part of our being that reject extremes and instead cause balance to occur in us. i have been in this furnace of sorts that have been bringing my extremes to become dull. i have been rather frustrated with it all; however, i know that this is a good thing to find more balance in my extremes.

this verse came to mind as i have felt scorched over by God's presence. "and Yahweh will guide you continually and satisfy your desire in scorched places and make your bones strong; and you shall be like a watered garden, like a spring of water, whose waters do not fail. and your ancient ruins shall be rebuilt; you shall raise up the foundations of many generations; you shall be called the repairer of the breach, the restorer of the streets to dwell in."

i was just amazed at this relevant verse right now. as i have felt scorched and numb to a degree, i am finding encouragement in the fact that those burned, numb places will be satisfied and then life will begin to grow and that through that, i will be rebuilt, the right way and will be able to restore others lives.

God is resetting my life, emotions, and changing me up. I am eager to be a extension of reparation and restoration.

- peaks out.

being not doing.

2008-03-19T08:11:00.002-04:00

so as of late i have shunned the world of blogging. the main reason is that i have been doing more than being.

let me explain. i am a doer by nature. i am pretty driven. everything i do it normally has an expediency about it. i walk like a speed walker. i talk like an auctioneer. i think like a computer. i read like a fiend. i am just always trying to work so hard to do so much. probably on the deeper level i am really trying to find worth, value, appreciation, respect, etc., from the things i do. what a worldly concept, that you are only as valuable as you consume and produce. this is an area that i have been weak in for years. i constantly revisit this conundrum and find myself staring at it in the face today.

so the Lord totally reminded me of this teaching i heard when i was a sophomore in college. this teaching was given by a worship leader that i highly respected and admired. he began to talk about what the difference is between being and doing. he talked about how a good father doesn't care whether you do or do not. he cares about you regardless, because he is your father. he likened this to God and that God doesn't expect people to do stuff for him, but he desires them to be who they were created to be. the incredible thing about this thought is that he returned to genesis 1 and showed about how God created in the "be"ginning. although this was a bit corny, as he spoke it really began to unravel.

look at the words that begin with "be." beginning, begat, belong, become, before, being, believe. all of these words start with being. this speaker was by no means negating doing the work of God, but being must be the antecedent to doing. he really challenged my thinking about this and realized that we were never called human doings. we are called human beings. because we exist without work. this is where we must return in our lives to be synchronized with Yahweh God. Yahweh is the personal name of God that speaks of his name meaning the all existent one or the always being one. when we be we will become like him. when we buy into the thought that being is about becoming in alignment with God in his existence.

the words in English about this: being, be, is, are, were, was, etc. are all called "being" verbs. "being verbs" are about a state, not an action. they actually are normally equalitative. what you "be" is what you are. the word "is" or "be" interestingly enough thus acts as an equal sign. if you say that is this. then that equals this. these are syntactical principles of our words and also our lives.

Shakespeare said it beautifully. "to be or not to be." we are all confronted with that in our lives. so be, don't do.

- peaks out.

my recent thoughts...

2008-03-05T22:10:00.001-05:00

So I have been putting this off since Sunday and I decided that instead of living in fear of what these concepts could bring, I am going to embrace the things the Lord has been showing me recently. These thoughts started when I was supposed to have a night of worship for our church. I had decided to do a little teaching before the time of music and singing. As I began to survey this topic, God couldn’t have led me any farther from where I thought I might go for a discussion of worship. I wanted to share it with you, because God has been really dealing with me about not communicating what he is doing in my life. I hope you can look past my stream of consciousness thinking and my writing style. I typed this as fast as I could, so please bear through it. I love you all.

Basically, as I started I thought I would go to some of the well known places about worship, you know, psalms, the tabernacle, all things that every good worship major comes into contact with in school. However, as I began to look into the word worship, I found that the first mention of the word “worship” was in a rather strange story. It was Genesis 22.5, which is the story of Abraham, Isaac, and how God had asked Abraham to sacrifice his son, Isaac.

As I read this story, I am pulled so many ways thinking about a father having to kill his only Son. The emotion, the pull, the dissonance that was created in that moment where God asked Abraham to give his promise bearing son up. That is what Isaac what, the fulfillment of a promise God had spoken to him. In this situation there are few things that need to be identified as contextually important before I explain what God revealed.

Let me define this word “worship” according to the Hebrew mind and language. The word used in Genesis 22.5, is the word “shahkah,” this word means to bow lowly and to worship something that is superior. In the eastern culture where this story occurred it was imperative for a person who was lesser (in class, age or in title), to bow in reverence and respect to the superior person. So in that culture the whole concept of worship and bowing was more about attitude than a mere action. It was the consideration that you would adhere to a person who was greater than you.

So we have Abraham who is going to worship (attitudinally) the Lord with his son. This introduces another concept in middle eastern thought. Progeny is one of the most important points in that life. For in your ability to reproduce was your ability to spread your name, your beliefs, your life through the extension of your children. This father-son relationship is obviously a theme that recurs in the Bible constantly, always about fathers and sons.

Another contextual concept that appears is the whole concept of covenant. Both sonship and sacrifice were covenantal approaches to life. Sonship fulfills covenant as the son is the promise. And then the sacrifice is a necessity for all who are in covenant which returns to the garden where Adam and Eve had to have a sacrifice for God to have mercy on them and their disobedience. In the situation of a covenant, there is a need for a specific place and time for the sacrifice, and most sacrifices where made upon an altar, again which occurs in this story of Abraham and Isaac.

Now for a little more ground work, we can see and can understand the culture of the day was centered around the deity and thus, when you worshipped a deity, it was all encompassing. In this sense, worshipping a deity, or giving homage or honor was about everything that you do. Every action was correlative to your religion. This eastern mentality believes that everything is spiritual. That every “non-spiritual thing” we accomplish or practice, it has spiritual value and purpose behind it. Everything is spiritual to the ancient near eastern person. This reveals that worship to their mindset would be holistic, involving every parts of who they were.

Due to the fact that we were created beings created by a creator God, who poured out into creation, we find ourselves either holistically worshipping God or worshipping something else. This would basically fall into the category of idolatry. Anytime we are worshiping something besides the Lord, we are committing idolatry. The interesting thing about this concept is that idolatry is not about an object, it is about the failure to listen and hear what God is saying and doing, because if we did, we would have no need for a substitute.

So this is where hearing is juxtaposed into worship. Throughout people’s experiences in the Old Testament and even now, we find that worship occurs when God reveals himself to individuals, and they respond to that revelation. Isaiah 6 is a fantastic picture of this as Isaiah sees the Lord high and lifted up and then he both presents himself for service and for cleansing. This worship attitude/lifestyle comes full circle as we begin to understand that the revelation of God occurs through his Word, his people, and his Spirit. When we come into our lives of serving the Lord, we see that we must hear what he is saying, no matter which of the mediums he might use. In the case of Abraham, he spoke to him through his voice.

As Abraham heard the voice of God and had an attitude of both reverence and fear of the Lord, he was able to hear all that was said and then to act upon it. Although he heard that his son must be sacrificed, he was still able to obey the Lord by having faith and coming into agreement with the promise of God that even if God took his son, God will still extend his family as the sands of the sea and the stars of the sky. As we hear the Lord in our lives, we begin to worship, through obedience.

Only through obedience would we be able to surrender to God. To obey God is definitely a challenge to all of us as we are uncertain of the outcome. However, the remarkable think about obedience is that we are able to be okay with submission to the Lord. As we begin to submit and surrender we end up seeing that my submission to God is not just about submitting to him, but also to others (his people). We come into relationship with others and respond to them as they begin to speak into our lives. We are able to totally surrender to God and yield to both him and others in our worship.

Worship takes on this individual approach and this communal approach, for as I worship God, I am affecting everyone else that I know due to the outflow of my life. There is no worship that is solely toward God. Worship must be experience both in one’s personal life as God works in and through them, however, if those things are not dispensed to others then what is the purpose and benefit. Worship is about me and about us.

So in this thinking, let’s take it all back to Abraham & Isaac. In the sense of doing God’s will and purpose by submitting to his voice, Abraham, was both taking an individual approach to worship and he obeyed God, however, his son Isaac was going to be encouraged and blessed by his father’s obedience. This example revealed that submission was on Isaac’s part in and through Abraham. Crazy that although Isaac didn’t hear God himself, he heard his father who in relationship with the Lord was able to reveal the Lord to him. Isaac and Abraham were about to see God reveal himself again to them through obedience and submission to God’s voice. Through this story, we are watching showing how his relationship works with us. That as we believe his covenant promises and agree with him and what he is saying, we are able to watch our sacrifice become a promise fulfilled. Then we watch God reveal himself to us in a new way of provisionary goodness. Abraham put himself into a position of willingness and an attitude of worship and therefore he saw his worship affect both he and his son for all time.

Let’s take this passage to a new level of understanding: Romans 12:1-2. I know it is a super common passage, but I can’t help but to think that as Paul wrote this under the Spirit’s working, that he wasn’t recalling Abraham. Most of the book of Romans chats about Abraham. Why should Romans 12:1-2 be any different? Well Abraham went to present his Son to the Lord, he was taking action on his son to worship, even when Isaac might not been okay with the whole concept. He trusted his dad. Well God now decides to reveal that we get to present ourselves to him in a living sacrifice. I was blown away to think about how God basically was saying that he no longer needs us to kill ourselves for him, but instead that he wants us to worship him by living all the above concepts of relationship, sonship, covenant, faith, obedience, surrender, etc. It is a reasonable deal for us to listen to what God is trying to do in our lives.

We come and holistically present ourselves to the God we know has promised us life and life more abundantly even if it takes our sacrificing our desires, dreams, promises, because we know that as we obey his voice, his people, his Word that we will not go wrong. Worship is that place where it is all about life and life with God enwrapped in it. I love that worship through music and singing voices this so well. The extension of our hands communicate our surrender, our voice sings truth that agrees with his truth, our faith comes alive as we realize that God is right there in the midst of it. Our experience becomes ones of revelation and response. And our response could be acing a test, loving our friends, sharing the gospel, or any other outpouring you can think of.

There are so many things that come into play with what I am learning. For instance, we are dealing with a formless God (dt. 4) who is jealous of us when we worship anything but him. We are looking at the way Israel was worshipping God individually and through a person, instead of knowing that now God has sent Jesus as our Isaac so that all may be able to experience life. Unless a seed falls to the ground and dies, there is no life. We also have to consider Hebrews 4 where we can realize that God is totally approachable and we can talk to him about what is going on in His voice, his people, or his Word.

Romans 12:1-2 uses a different word for worship: proskuneo. This word means that basically worship is about service. I love that God totally wrapped all these things into it: we can’t serve until we are able to recognize and have an attitude of whatever you are saying God, I am down with it. I will do it, no matter the cost.

Anyways, this is a lot of ramblin’ about God’s heart to mine and from mine to yours.

night vision

2008-03-04T11:05:00.003-05:00

so last night i was pulled over by a cop.

first let me tell you that i have a hard time with law enforcement. i always have this sense that they are out to get everyone. i know this is probably untrue, but in my experience, i have always gotten the raw deal. nonetheless, last night i was in a pretty populated area, and this cop weaves over behind me and throws his lights on.

as i saw the blue, i tried to think what i could've gotten pulled over for, and upon reflection in 1.3 seconds, i couldn't think of a single thing. my mind raced and my heart pumped so much blood to my body that my extremities probably turned red as a ferrari. all of a sudden, a bright toned voice said "license and registration please." As i fumbled in the dark of the my car and my wallet (which is really overloaded with receipts and cards), the officer said to me, "are you an owl." his thought totally distracted me from getting my license, cause i was so randomly blindsided by that comment. he went on to say, "are you a cat or something?" at this point, i had given him my attention instead of getting my license. i answered no, he then continued in the most sarcastic tone i have ever heard and said, "can you see in the dark or do you have night vision." at this point, i was was offended at his condescension. i obviously didn't have night vision. all this to say, he was trying to tell me that my headlights weren't on.

i laughed so hard when he went back to the car to look me up in his computer. i seriously had to contain myself because i thought, who says that? why so sarcastic? i know it is kinda dumb to not have my lights on, but my car is weird and you can turn the dash lights without the headlights, so i had been in brightly lit areas, so i had no clue (nor did the other 4 people in my car).

all this to say, i don't have night vision. but watch out for those sarcastic cops, and refrain from telling them that you not only have night vision, but you have x-ray vision cause that was my smart aleck comment i wanted to make to him. thank goodness i didn't, cause i probably would have a ticket right now. he was merciful and i was grateful. God has night vision and he has mercy. thanks goodness.

- peaks out.

quotable.

2008-02-28T22:19:00.002-05:00

i just received this bookmark in a card from someone and it had an Emerson quote on it.

as i read that simplistic, but lionized quote, i had an extravagant epiphany. i want to be quotable. maybe not necessarily in the way that my quotes appear on bookmarks and other paraphernalia, but quotable in the sense that people would repeat my thoughts and ideas because they considered them to be novel. honestly, i don't think that our thoughts are often avante garde as we think they are for all things are trite due to the fact that there is nothing new under the sun. that is a whole 'nother conversation that i will relish another day. but back to being quotable, how incredible would it be if you realized that your reinvention of a concept or maybe your phrasing of a principle, thought, or elaborate motif would be able to alter a person's conceived perspectives about life. what if your simple extrapolations about life's idiosyncrasies could change a culture or a nation. i think to men like martin luther king, who probable never imagined that his phrase "i have a dream" would mean much to anyone who was aside of his time and his cause. however, that phrase has survived the annals of time. i hope that i can be a person who can be so wise to concoct the correct words and speak them with such dignity and passion that people recall those things that are voiced, whether they agree or they deny the perspective.

think, speak, write, quote others, quote yourself.

- peaks out.

hair.

2008-02-27T21:59:00.002-05:00

so for some reason, i am slightly weird about hair.

1st, i like changing haircuts as much as possible. i don't know of any reason except that it just brings change into my situation. i am a borderline neophiliac, so that probably has a significant impact on my hair obsession. in this case, i have to constantly garner myself from the attacks of others. people tend to say rather ridiculous things about my hair, or what is done to it. i once had someone told me that my hair communicated that i was passively rebellious. i am consistently amazed at people's ability to judge everything on appearance.

2nd, i notice girl's hair. pretty regularly i look at girl's hair and think to myself, she is so pretty because of her hair. weird, i know, but my "uncle jesse" syndrome has been active in my life since i got a spike in like 3rd grade. this haircutting lady even gave me a bottle of green goo to keep my hair spikey. it was awesome. nonetheless, i think that we should really learn to look past the exterior of people and find out more about them. just today, i was getting the infrequent hair cut by a "professional" (i prefer people around campus), and she told me about her son and how often he was judged due to his crazy hair. she said something that was really cool. if you want to be avant garde, then you are going to be criticized. however, don't take their role and criticize them for their monotony, just appreciate their differences being different than yours. i guess she is a hair-dicing life guru of sorts.

so, now i have a little defiance in my walk. i am faux hawked. however, if you don't choose this expression, i still like you and wish you the best. just get to know someone before judging the book by its cover.

- peaks out.

birthdays.

2008-02-26T08:19:00.002-05:00

yesterday i turned 24.

it's just bizarre. i don't really know what to make of birthdays anymore. they aren't like you are when you are kid with themes that range from zoo animals to G.I. Joe. then in college it is like block party when someone gets a year older. people you don't even know show up to your parties. it is crazy awesome cool. then you get old. and your party is so awesome it just being a dinner with your family and close friends. they all have their positive qualities. however, i think i always want all of them at once. i want a zoo party where everyone wears masks that they made with construction paper (which is animal shaped) and they have to make noises like their animal if they want cake. i want the mass party where so many people are there you don't know them all, and people don't know who is or isn't the birthday person. with plenty of food of course and ridiculous games. i want the dinner with family and close friends (even if the close friends are partaking 3 hours away). oh wait, i had the dinner with family and close friends. it was awesome. my friends participated from lynchburg, and various parts of the world by facebooking, e-cards, etc. it is awesome. i love people and so thankful for them in my life.

happy birthday to me.

- peaks out.

dialogue.

2008-02-23T22:43:00.003-05:00

dialogue: the act of exchanging messages with another like party. or something like that.

i have been realizing of late, that most people do not dialogue about life. instead they are bound to the insignificant verbal contribution to themselves. there is no sharing of valid concepts or truth in one's life with another. it is selfishly hoarded and monitored only for those who have a predisposition for conversation in isolation. there is no value when you have something alone. the same is true when talking. the value is not there unless you have another. this concept is obviously not lucid to the average person, who speaks to themselves as if they can talk and respond to their own questions. this is a lack of tension and a lack of conversation. dialogue only improves the thoughts which one might believe to be novel. jocularly, this is still embraced in theater most of the time where soliloquy abides. still yet, remember that even in soliloquy, that without an audience, it fails to attain worth. dialogue allows for disagreement, for perusal, for extrapolation, when you don't want the extensive thinking and communicating, the ability to sculpt words is not refined when speaking to oneself, for your banal language only becomes more venomous as it poisons your mind with repetition. however, honorable is he who engages with another, whose thought and communications are variegated and formidable to your dialogical monotony. embrace the challenge and the excitement of a conversation. fear nothing in that tete-a-tete, except that by virtue of your open elucidation, you will find yourself being examined both in word, syntax, and logic simultaneously, thus affording you the moment to accept the judgement and the discourse of your self-musings. an invitation into conversation, becomes an request into your personal essence. two is always better than one, both in life and in dialogue.

- peaks out.

joy.

2008-02-22T22:42:00.002-05:00

i heard an interesting quote today: "life is a single skip for joy."

i am not exactly sure what to make of this, but i definitely think that it encapsulates what the human condition longs for. that is a greater sense of fullness and purpose. joy cannot only be attained when there is an overwhelming sense of perfection. it is not a mere situation of circumstance, but it is demonstrated only in the presence of fullness. there must be absolute unquenchable outflow for joy to be genuine. to think that life is a single skip for joy is probably true in some estimations. however, i am not sure if i enjoy the prominence joy is given. due to the above explanation, joy is still the outflow, not the source. life being found from a source is always relevant to humankind. a single skip. there again is an anomaly. a skip makes the reach for joy sound almost too brief, and maybe too playful. however, the brevity is definitely true. i think a little less jest about skipping might be more appropriate. joy is crucial for all people. so i guess we should skip to it.

- peaks out.

confession.

2008-02-21T22:35:00.002-05:00

confession is good for the soul.

i am not sure who said that but they were definitely speaking truth. i have often wondered what exactly those words ramifications were upon a person, and recently i have been experiencing it firsthand. i decided that in this time in my life, i was going to confess my failings and my victories in my life to four intensely close friends. i know that this is a seriously hard thing for me to do, because i deal so much with things like acceptance, value, etc. telling people your imperfections basically gives them credo to judge and critique you. however, i have found that the freedom that is found in simple confession is echelons away from condemnation. there is something powerful about writing out your faults daily and looking at them knowing that you are always a work in progress. the intriguing thing about this process for me is that every time i see a weakness, i have been realizing that it is just an exploited strength. these open confessions have been able to lead me to living with a greater realization about how lies can distort my ability into weaponry against myself and others. i surveyed these things only to find that the energy it takes to hide our secret sins is depleting our life. instead if we release those things by verbalizing them to someone who can walk beside us into victory, we are able to capitalize on the life we can live. without all that effort in hiding and covering up, you end up getting grace and mercy from people because they see your honesty and genuineness and they embrace you instead of judging you for elevating yourself.

this kind of confession brings one of the greatest joys to you that is possible. open and right relationships with others. open mouth, open heart, open love.

- peaks out.

little brothers.

2008-02-20T16:50:00.002-05:00

every now and then i get this crazy thought in my head and ponder what it would be like without my brothers.

i have two natural brothers. nic & john are their names. they are basically like peanut butter & jelly, totally different, but totally complimentary. each of them bring a great amount of joy to my life, and occasionally they accompany that joy with grief, but rarely so. they are probably the coolest brothers in the world, very few have such great humor and such awesome hearts.

nic is only two years younger than i. this definitely lead to much tension to us when growing up, if i wanted to do something, he didn't and vice versa. unless it had to do with ninjas or super-heros, we always were on the same page about that stuff. our perspectives are very different. he is more rational, i am more abstract. he is more chill and i am more spastic. we are pretty much yin and yang about most stuff, but we definitely have a connection that no person can separate. i respect nic because he is so serving and so pastoral. always looking out for people. he knows mercy well and tenderness, and i love him as he is able to do about anything he puts his mind to. he is in radio right now and he constantly impresses me. sometimes i don't want him to know how much i respect him, but i do. i love that kid like crazy.

john is seven year younger than i, five years younger than nic. he is the baby of the family and we all know it. john is only john to me, to everyone else, his name is harrison. however, that name is modified from Harry, Hare, JH, John Harry, etc, you get the picture. He is the kid which everyone wants to nickname. he is also eccentric like both nic and I, however i think the coolest thing about him is that he is just like me. and just like nic. he is like the perfect blend. he is excessive at times and thinks he is shafted because he is the youngest, but its all in his crazy perspective. he is not just rational and not just abstract, he is not just spastic, he is relaxed to the max. he just has picked up on both of us. the crazy thing is that he looks like me in uncountable ways. people have thought we were twins more times than i can count. he is in high school and i know that he is out of the box for that place, but i am eager to see him flourish at college.

both my brothers are creative - nic plays like every instrument and is an exceptional writer, harry is a master pianist who is passionate about everything with music. i love them both like crazy and look to a day where we will all work in some capacity together. they are the studs and i am the luckiest brother ever.

if you don't have brothers, you got shafted.

- peaks out.

the poor.

2008-02-19T17:09:00.002-05:00

today, i was in a public place when lo and behold i saw a sad sight.

there were homeless people sitting on a bench. they looked sad, jaded, and discontent with their lives, i wondered if they disliked their lifestyle would they still sit there?

so i have been pondering this for the last 23 minutes and 20 seconds. what does it mean to be poor? who are the poor? what can i do for them? how can i change their lives?

these are compelling questions filled with argument and debate concerning wonderful things like politics (which i don't normally enjoy), which pit those for and against poor against each other. or perhaps the concepts of comparing the poor here in the US to the poor that i met while i have traveled 3 other continents. or maybe even thoughts flirting with the ideas of "pooredom" being about a state of mind, or a an intellectual battle pervading the minds of these three homeless people i saw instead of a struggle for material.

i decided that first, i wasn't going to bring politics into it. second, i decided i would not compare people, that removes their personhood and makes them an object. so that leaves me with this idea that being or living poor is about a mindset. i had this extensive conversation with a good friend of mind about how he thought that being poor is a mentality. i am not sure if i agree totally, but here were some thoughts i had: if a person believes themselves to be poor by either what others say (or public policy), or if they compare themselves to other they see, they basically are basing their lives on others, and not from themselves. if this is the case, wouldn't that mean that even if you gave a person all the money in the world, they would still remain poor? maybe some just need a leg up? if we were to give to the homeless, however, when does that end? when does one realize that they are rich because they are alive and that they are rich because they value themselves and that others value them as well? when are there no more poor? all i can say is i don't really know. how can i?

so my challenge to myself was - talk to these people the next time i encounter them and then perhaps i can understand more about all these things that i currently don't understand. maybe i will figure it out someday.

- peaks out.

thankful.

2008-02-18T10:54:00.002-05:00

today, i think to myself how the world lacks thankfulness, and i too far often join them.

however, i resolve that i am going to be more thankful. you know some people get this idea of thankfulness that is due to a trip to a third world country, or they experience someone's life that is far less substantial (perhaps in comfort), than their own, but that is not what happened to me. i seriously woke up thinking, wow, it's great to be alive. what a privilege. it is intriguing to me why i would think this, i surveyed my current situation and saw so many things that are not going "perfect" or something close to awesome. but instead, i found myself valuing the people in my life, the places i have been, the experiences i have had, the house i live. it was just this ridiculous revealing to me about the beauty of life and its goodness that is in the world.

i got curious and looked up some thoughts about thankfulness, wondering where i might have drawn this perspective from: what i found was momentous. through my thinking, i recalled that in koine greek, the word for thanks is correlated to the Eucharist. this is another word for communion or sacrament. and that's when it hit me. when i am communing with others, God, and the world and realizing their/His/its value, i can experience thankfulness. my thankfulness to them runs far deeper than the surface, but rather becomes a moment of connection, where i relate to them in all possible manners on and below the surface. meaning this: thankfulness is never about the external situation, but about the internal realization that good grace has been spoken. which is exactly what eucharist means: eu means good, and charist means grace. more thoughts on this can be explained in "what's so amazing about grace" by philip yancy (which i read about a year ago), but as i write this blog, i am brought back to his perspective on this experience of thanks.

so thanks.

- peaks out.

alternative reality.

2008-02-15T23:27:00.002-05:00

sometimes i think to myself, my version of reality would be way different.

i am sure that at some point and time in your life that you have imagined things were different than what they were. you came to some realization that the status quo was just not enough. one of my favorite things to see is when a child realizes the power of his alt. reality. you can see it the most clearly when coloring. that one little boy in the class that colors the sun purple and has a blue duck with a bill and feet the shade of green that is only suitable for st. patrick's day. it is intriguing to ask people how they would change the normal conceptions. i am pretty sure i have heard the craziest thoughts of people's alternate reality from everyone would be blind (secretly occurred because they wanted love to be blind) to things where everyone looks like you, as if they were your twin.

that is another thing in the alternate reality - you would meet and greet with your doppleganger. i think that this is a way that you know that alternative realities exist, because it is said that everyone has a look a like somewhere in the world. what if your "twin" were to swap places with you. that would be cool. or maybe the alternative reality would have all water substituted for newspapers shreaddings. that would be kinda weird, but kind of cool.

anyways, to think that there is another place that is better for you probably only exists in your mind, but at least it exists all.

- peaks out

sweatpants.

2008-02-14T22:27:00.002-05:00

okay, so for the most part wearing sweatpants is a serious mark against good judgment when in public.

however, recently, i have been finding a lot of love for sweatpants. i don't know if it is the amazing drawstring capacity of them, or how they fall over my feet, but they are just special. please note that i am not speaking of the horrific sweatpants that you will see some wear, with the elastic at the bottom of them making their feet look like an aircraft carrier times two. i am talking about those great sweat pants you can purchase anywhere but walmart that are like loose and unelasticized. i actually never owned any in my teenage years or in the college years. i went through phase of liking lounge pants, however, that quickly passed as plaid pants just quite are acceptable for a 23 year old to wear. my best friend would always chill in his "cool" sweats and eventually i was given a pair. since then, i have been sold. i actually bought myself a pair recently. that wonderful cotton loose sweatpant. so comfortable, so loving, so friendly. and so much of this goodness (the sweats i have are extra large so they are huge, with increases their awesomeness). there is very few things that wins when the winter months rendezvous in our lives, except those sweatpants.

be on the lookout for the old man sweatpants with the elasticization and do that person a favor, tell them how ridiculous they look and buy them a good pair (i recently escorted my father into the awesome sweatpants club, thank goodness).

chilling in my navy sweats. goodnight.

- peaks out.

stream of consciousness of this moment.

2008-02-13T16:36:00.002-05:00

sometimes life is a jerk.

right now i guess i am experiencing life's little ideas of fun. it's like a bully that won't leave me alone. or maybe someone that won't stop picking on you. hmm, maybe it is more like being kicked in the head and everyone laughing at you. it just seems that everything is against me right now. people, situation, my future, nothing seems to be kind. and unfortunately, i have been acting out. i have not been kind. i have not been loving. i have been harsh. i have been critical and pessimistic. i don't really know exactly how to handle it all. there is so much going on. dear friends are moving on. i'm left here. stability is being shaken. i am the shaking one. people are dying. i have to navigate things without them. every thing's new. i don't know what how to do anything. the pressure, the weight is of epic proportions. i am not strong. i want to trust God, but it is so hard right now. there is nothing to help, nothing to soothe, nothing to heal. it is all just raw. again. unfortunately, this is something that occurs in my life a lot. i don't know why or what it means, but i don't think i have ever had the easy lesson. always the beast of a class, task, adventure, where i have to learn to overcome. like going up a mountain by yourself. i know that this is not true and that there are other people, but i am just blinded to them because of my poor perception. i need to look for the alternative reality that is there outside what i think. my perception is not reality. i am rejecting my perception for a better look. confidence that i can see. i will see. i will know. i am strong. i can abide. i can trek. i believe. i am going to have faith.

- peaks out.

cronies

2008-02-12T09:08:00.000-05:00

crony: a close friend, especially of long standing

for some reason, i have been really thinking about my cronies. those people in my life that have been long standing friends and faithful comrades. i think about all the laughter, fun, discussion, roadtrips, music, and everything else that has been contained in this blog that i have mentioned. these ponderings are most likely not about my thoughts but about the people who elicit them. to all my cronies near and far, just know that you guys are in my thoughts and prayers. whether you are in AK, sitting in your apartment alone, or you are in TX with a wife and 1.5 kids, or maybe you are in Chicago, learning about marriage and seminary, in Winona Lake, putting your wife through school as you learn your dreams, in the ATL, dirtying up some dancing and youth ministry, in charlotte, starting a life with your new wife, in Hartford, trying to overcome the trials of life, in DC, praying and seeking, or maybe you are in Lynchburg, finishing your master's thesis, beginning a new dating relationship, learning where God is about to take you and the integrity you will need to make it, trying to get into med school, newly married ready to graduate into missions, flying around drinking too much coffee, about to start a journey into non-college life after years of delay, newly engaged, or you have committed to a group of people to enjoy TV, food, and conversation about every topic imaginable. cronies, i love you all, near or far. you're always on my mind.

- peaks out

laughter.

2008-02-10T22:59:00.000-05:00

i think that laughter might just be one of the greatest things ever.

i laugh a lot. and i don't mere just snicker to myself, no my laughs are full of gusto. i normally throw my head back, shut my eyes, and smile so big that my cheeks end up looking like they have a winter's supply of acorns in them. when i am really laughing i get physical. i start hitting things, myself, and even others. you know those people who start to clap when they laugh, yes, i do that as well. i have many different laughs and each are for different occasions.

i probably have about 3 different laughs. one is long and loud. one is high and two-toned. and one is tearful and almost silent. anyways all of these laughs are very funny and i know most people who hear my laugh, end up doing the same. i guess i make a spectacle of myself. not on purpose, but i do nonetheless. i love when other people laugh.

my friends are the people who can probably get me to laugh the most. i have an incredibly awesome friend who he and i always talk to each other on the phone as if we are urban (although we are probably the saltiest crackers possible). another of my friends always makes me laugh because he makes things awkward. i never know what to do, so i nervously laugh. then there are those friends that from start to finish when you talk to them, you are rolling on the floor with splitting sides due to the magnitude of laughter.

i have never thought myself to be funny, but i do love a laugh. enjoy life and love a laugh y

ourself.

- peaks out.

LOL, i hate you.

2008-02-08T23:56:00.000-05:00

okay, so i know that we are in a world of technology, however, some things are just ridiculous.

LOL is one of those things that absolutely drives me up a wall. first of all, people use it more than um. second, i doubt it people are actually laughing out loud. so that would mean that they are lying. alright, maybe i am being a little harsh on lol, however, i have two friends that as much as i love them, they are lol junkies. the one uses lol to denote not only laughter but sarcasm. the other uses lol as an anything word. if she doesn't know what to say she says lol. so it becomes this whole i am going to lol as much i as i want. it's no being funny or cool. it is just laziness, plain and simple. to not use our brains would be foolish since each of us has bits ad pieces of wisdom.

so stop your lying and come into the openness. "lol"

- peaks out

my problem is that i don't put lol, i put ahah. it is sorta become my "lol," sometimes you need to come into agreement with those around you by accepting them regardless what they say or do. welcome fellow laughers of out loudness.

cloudy.

2008-02-07T10:03:00.000-05:00

i think sometimes i like to describe myself in the sense of the weather.

i know that sounds rather insane that i could conjure up thoughts about myself in weather. however, i have also done this with colors as well. i like unique ways to express my current feelings. today, is a cloudy day. it is not bad or stormy or nothing like that, but it is a little cool and breezy. the clouds have kept the sun at bay, so therefore the warmth has not quite penetrated the clouds.

i guess it is a good day since it is not stormy and tempestuous, however, i am hoping for a little more sunshine. i think that i need to catch some sun from people in my life, but it doesn't seem to be occurring. i am extremely hopeful that the sun will break through my cloudiness and that either the rain will come to refresh or the wind will blow me elsewhere.

hoping for clearer skies. until then, my eyes are watching the weather.

----------------

it is a few hours later and i can see nothing but blue skies. with the help of a friend and some incredible music, not to mention the cutest dog named Sophie, who i visited during lunch, i found sunshine again. it is warm here both outdoors and in my heart. i hope you have sunshine brighten your day.

- peaks out. (x2)

ode to a friend.

2008-02-06T21:45:00.000-05:00

well i had a friend call me tonight and it pretty much encouraged me so much, that i had to document it.

i was talking to my friend as i was on my way to a toga party. he said he was about to get going to a service called "the gathering." they share the Lord's supper and have awesome worship. well he told me on sunday that he wrote on a prayer card at church that he wanted God to rescue him. just to save him from his mediocrity in so many words. he also told me that he was hoping that maybe someday a person would meet him and know that it was him that they had been praying for (he had his name on the card). and that he would be really encouraged by God using that simple card. well he went to this "gathering" and this guy was sharing about how he had been praying through some of those cards. lo and behold, he began to tell the whole group of people about my friend's card and how it genuinely touched him. as my friend heard this speaker talk about his simple but awesome request, he said that he was straight up in tears. how could he not be. God had heard his prayer that someone would care when they read that request and it turned out that God cared and so did this speaker. my friend told me that it was like God was speaking to him saying, "I love you despite everything." how awesome is it that a little prayer card could totally rock my friend's life. as i sit here thinking about him and the work God is doing in him. i am in tears of joy, so that prayer card rocked my life too. my buddy told me about a video him and i watched a few days ago that talked about the power of a prayer. i hope it encourages you as it encouraged us. friend, i love you. thank you for being an awesome mouthpiece to God's work in the earth.

- peaks out

check out this link for the power of a prayer:

How He Loves - John Mark McMillan

70 degrees in february.

2008-02-05T22:24:00.000-05:00

so february is supposed to be a winter month. why in the world is the weather as hot as the summer.

all day today it has been too warm to even think winter. i hate it when the weather is not complimentary to the season that is associated with it. for some reason things seem to be all out of whack when it comes to the weather. it seems that the two places i have ever lived have moody weather. winter is supposed to be about snow, coldness, and maybe even rain in that super cold way. why wouldn't february rock that kind of weather? it does seem to always kick in when you don't want it to. hey, i guess that's okay though. the unexpected cold weather or lack thereof is just another part of the crazy world we live in. welcome to february. wear your shorts with a scarf.

- peaks out.

simple things.

2008-02-04T23:48:00.001-05:00

it's the simple things in life that make everything better.

i love the most random things. and probably the simpler the better. things that i have been enjoying as of late: post-its, micro sharpies, cancelled TV shows on DVD, used books. i don't know why things like this have been such a fascination to me, but they have. something about a post-its that just allows you to write down the mysteries of life, but not commit it to be part of the constitution. this must be course done with a micro sharpie, which allows you to be permanent but with the freedom of your words not being bold. now cancelled TV shows on DVD allows for the joy of the past to be enjoyed today (and as fast as you can cause you can watch them in a row). used books are incredible. i love that the used books you get have been thought of as someone else's junk, but you get to enjoy them for wicked cheap.

anyways, so the moral of my randomosity is this: enjoy the simple things.

- peaks out.

high school.

2008-02-04T22:16:00.000-05:00

so strange to think about high school. good old PCS. so long since i have been there.

here i am 2 degrees away from high school and hoping to not remember it for it was crazy ridiculous and this weekend i not only participated in a conversation about high school, but i heard others discuss it as well.

what is it about high school that we love to talk about? for me, i think it is that i love to recall how different i was then. comparing and contrasting the high school me with graduate school me. i see how naive i was in high school, how small my life was, how insignificant issues where, the list goes on. but the cool thing about it is this. we all went through that time in life, so we can all thank high school for getting us here.

i know that i would not have done nearly as well in college as i did due to Mrs. Buck and Mrs. Karavias. They were my English and Chem/Physics/Precal/Calculus teachers. they instilled so much into my life allowing me to increase my scores, escape gen. ed. requirements, and know myself and where i was going into college. so i think of them often and applaud their wonderful impact on my life.

i know that high school conversation brings back memories that are hard and painful as well. there were breakups, lost friends, detentions and punishment, proms, and gym class. these things did not nothing except prepare me for the world to come. it is okay to remember the hurt, it has only made you stronger.

so i raise my glass to high school: the good, the bad, the ugly, and the mad, and i thank God that i don't have to live through that again. all the while celebrating where it has brought me. here. hear-hear.

- peaks out.

hugs.

2008-02-04T21:59:00.000-05:00

i thought more about this word recently than ever before. thinking about what it says or even means.

so what exactly is a hug? i think it is some sort of embrace that reveals friendship, kinship, agreement or maybe love. however, i found out that the expression of this level of embrace communicates so many things. i remember my junior year at college there was this guy, who was deemed the hug guy. He was all about a hug and basically would not let you walk by him without a hug. I am still uncertain why he was a hugger, except maybe he loved the feeling of having brothers in his life, since he grow up sans them. the funny thing is that although people disdained those crazy hugs, they began to warm up to them. probably cause they saw the coolness of the hug.

i know some men struggle with hugging, however, i think that you should just get over your fear. it really isn't that bad and you definitely feel that you are in the brotherhood when a hug is given or received. it's like you are family with people. however, there are many kinds of hugs:

there are long hugs that seem to encapsulate your soul, there are short hugs that show care in a hurry. then there are some crazy ones. there is the infamous "koala," where you wrap your legs around the person you are hugging (i only recommend this for your girlfriend/wife to partake in). then i saw this couple this weekend that showed me the "body hug" where you hug with both arms and then you hug with your knees as well. i laughed so hard at the sight of these people hugging. there is the ever safe, three pat hug that most men engage in that says basically, you're the man (as if they are communicating in the pats), that doesn't make the other feel awkward.

what i found that is that every person hugs different. a hug sorta becomes the way a person expresses how they embrace you in their life. how accepting they are, how comfortable they feel, how much they care are a few revelations that come forth in a hug. so don't hesitate to hug someone like you mean it. this is really about that, and hugging isn't really about touching, it is about the relationship that you have with people.

- peaks out.

P.S. if you are not a hugger, i understand. i used to not be. however, i quelled my fears and have no regrets. if it is that scary, try hugging yourself. work into it. once you feel comfortable go and hug the world. you won't be sorry.

home.

2008-02-04T21:45:00.000-05:00

so this weekend i went back to my old home.

i traversed from my present place of residence and reentered the world of college again. let me first say it was bliss. i love the people, the little of a town it is, the scenery, and the local variety. i don't know what it is, but i enjoy it. but while i was there i was talking to people about how i still don't feel that my current home is really home. i mean it is, but it isn't simultaneously.

however, my college world can't be home either, because i am not there. right? so i began to ask myself where home really is. Of course the banal axioms came to my such as "home is where your heart is" or other ridiculous things like that. I rolled my eyes at the thought of those sayings. then i think i thought i would try to come up with my own witty saying about home.

i quickly recoiled from that inclination thinking that my saying would also become trite upon eternal usage (even though i am the only one who would probably utilize it). i threw caution to the wind and decided to write it down anyways. it might sound lame or corny, but i think i really am believing today. i believe it because i know it to be true in my life and experience and plus it seems to propagate my Buberian philosophical perspective of I-Thou.

Therefore, home is where you are. Not me, but you. It doesn't matter where I am, but it does matter where you are. Home is where people are. Especially the people you love and feel the most at home with. They each hold a bit of your home in their life. You might see, feel, experience, think about it depending on their actions, conversations, embraces, etc. You just know that when you are with them, you are home.

i am going to spend time with some people and welcome myself home. hope you enjoy the same.

- peaks out.

longing.

2008-01-31T07:59:00.001-05:00

i come back to this word in my life on a pretty cyclical basis. longing. the very word sends chills into my heart as i think that if i am longing, i am not complete.

maybe that is just it. we are not complete. in tim burton's edward scissorhands, one of the characters sees the horrifying scissorhands of edward and is aghast as Edward simply looks at them with longing and says, "i'm not finished." it is totally awesome that we aren't finished. if we did not have the process of longing for change in our lives, i think that the world would be a boring, drained place. in longing though, there is this fire. this unconsummable fire that blazes in a person to know something more. maybe something beyond themselves. or perhaps it is something that they desire from others. or maybe it is beyond both of those categories and allows our intellect to be freed to enjoy the contemplation of God, who is altogether more than we could ever handle.

my constant journey falls to this same point. if i am longing, it is going to be fulfilled. unfortunately, i seem to find "less wild lovers" as Curtis says, instead of finding a way that my soul can be satisfied. on the contrary, there is the word that i love to think about more than longing. satisfied. even when i say, i almost have an implicit smile knowing that there is an incredible completion that comes when i am satisfied. again, this desire is not just with food, love, or occupation. longing and satisfaction ensue our coattails and cause us to consider the facts. we aren't finished. but we can be. and maybe partial satisfaction will enjoin your life today, but if not, there is always tomorrow.

onward to journeys with more longing and onward still unto satisfaction.

- peaks out.

anger to tears.

2008-01-28T23:02:00.000-05:00

well today i had one of those hellish moments that no one ever enjoys experiencing.

i got so mad, that i cried. not just that kind of mad that makes your blood boil, your face redden, and your veins pop out of your forehead and neck. instead i was ready to burst into an intense fit of rage with floods coming down my face. i don't know why one experiences this feeling, but it has occasioned my life more than once.

i guess more than anything, it is about the overflow. in honesty, isn't that what tears are? the overflow of emotions, of life, of anger, of fear, of joy, of sorrow, of loss, of gain. i mean it seems that maybe tears are where we really become real. those tears that we shed are the same tears that water our souls to embrace our wholeness. whether in our tears of mourning where we are sobered by the tear drop moistly racing down our flushed cheek or those tears of anger where you want to let everything that is in your system.

the overflow is what we are made of. tears are just water in essence. we are made up largely of water. the expression of tears in our lives causes us to live more than we could ever hope to live in our wild experience of life. the tears are the parameters to happiness and to all other things that are insanely human. we shouldn't reject our tears, but embrace them and see them not as a sign of weakness but as a sign of our ability to be the overflow of ordinary and moving in a way of abundance that few every dream.

tearfully and wonderfully made and proud of it.

- peaks out.

dreams.

2008-01-27T21:47:00.000-05:00

i guess i have always been a little skeptical of dreams in my life. like the ones when you sleep, not the ones you conjure up about your future.

i have recently been challenged by some of my friends to pay attention to your dreams (both kinds), but specifically the ones that come in the middle of the night and wake you from your slumber. maybe that dream was just too much pizza in the evening hours, or maybe it is revealing more about what is really going on. just think about it.

the people in your dreams are probably symbolic or interrelated to what is currently occurring in your life. the actions you are doing must be significant. the places that you are maybe reveal some kind of hidden desire. there is so much in the human psyche that is layered. it could be that these things are only revealed in your technicolor or black and white sleep movies.

i recently had a friend ask me what they thought their dream was communicating and i was amazed to notice so many things that i might not before, if i was unwilling to consider dreams. nonetheless, i have decided to jot those dreams down if they seem important. maybe they are. maybe they aren't. but why take the chance of missing out.

dream big. dream bold. dream beautiful.

pleasant dreams.

- peaks out.

poor of love, rich with self.

2008-01-25T07:00:00.000-05:00

so this has been a sobering week. in more way than one, i have realized my spiritual condition and was challenged to my core. i am glad that God made it aware to me. however, it is going to be a long journey.

so i was thinking about studying something "new" in my spiritual journey. i had all sorts of good ideas and thoughts that were fueling me. then i realized the dearth i was in. this morning, i had a cup of vanilla chai (one of my favorites), with a group of guys. it was cool as always to shoot the breeze with them. they are awesome guys and sometimes i don't know how i got pulled into their coffee coolness. 5am coffee is not for the faint of heart. anyways, back to my thoughts about dearth.

we were just talking about life, love and the pursuit of God. my mind was flooded with good thought topics about how to challenge these men with whatever stale bread i have in my satchel from last week. but there was a check in my heart, it was saying something on the lines of "don't fake it." it caught me off guard and actually silenced me in the conversation. i have been silent since then, only uttering a few words about the brisk weather as i left to come to work. when i arrived, i thought to myself, what am i going to read before work today. for some reason i decided to do an impromptu "love check." i got into the habit of doing these last year and it has been a while since i have since examined my life to the truth about love.

as i read i found that love is patient, kind, does not envy of boast, is not arrogant or rude, doesn't insist on its own way, it is not irritable or resentful, does not rejoice at wrong doing, but rejoices in truth. it bears all things, believes all things, hopes all things, endures all things.

love never ends.

using this as a filter for my current condition, i was enlightened that i have not been walking in love. if i am not walking in love, how am i like Jesus Christ? i am not. instead i am walking in my self and enjoying the egocentricity of my life. it's all about me.

i began to think about how love should be like currency in my life. i should be able to possess it so that i can always give away the wealth that i have to all i encounter. so as i walk by people who are in need, i could give them something that would give them life and be endless. instead i give them something different to fill their alms cup. my raggedly leftovers. the comparison of value is immeasurable. rags instead of riches.

i once heard this story about a ragman. he would take your rags and give you something in exchange for them. by the end of the story, he had taken the bloody rags of the lame, hurt, wounded, dying, and oppressed and made them whole. i think that is what is so beautiful about love. it makes one whole. it talks about that later in the love evaluation. love is perfect and when it comes all the partial will be taken away.

thank you ragman for taking my rags because you love me. i can't wait to be a ragman today.

- peaks out.

p.s. - ragman story - http://www.ebe.org.uk/story84.htm

hurt.

2008-01-24T18:12:00.000-05:00

everyone has been hurt at one point or another. but more than you being hurt, you have hurt others.

i have definitely been hurt by many people in my life. ridicule, sarcasm, condescension, you name it i have experienced it. and you know, it is not cool or fair, however, it is something you cannot control. it is in the hands of the other person.

however, the challenge i am finding myself reticent to partake is concerning my hurting others. i have realized more an more that i am a jagged person and that i often rub people the wrong way and say or do the wrong thing. this kind of hurting others is probably just a mechanism to protect oneself from getting hurt. and in this process of protection you hurt people. i hurt people probably on a regular basis. i am sorry. it is probably my least favorite thing about myself. i say harsh things or i treat people poorly. well, i realized that i need to change and i thank my amazing best friends for helping me get work on those things.

i am going to embrace the hurt i have caused and have experienced. and then watch healing come from hurt. i encourage you to do the same.

- peaks out

riding in cars.

2008-01-23T22:34:00.000-05:00

riding in cars is an awesome way to connect and experience life with others.

for some reason i began to think about this today. the first thought that came to mind was middle school. at that time, due to the nature of me being involved in everything possible from choir to peer mentoring, i could no longer ride the bus. my dad would take me to school along with my brothers. there were a few things that would happen when we would ride with dad. first, we always fought for the front seat. it was like the coolest thing to sit up front with dad, knowing that we were beside him. it was awesome. secondly, it meant that we got to control the music most likely. thirdly, we got dibs on the paper. for some reason as a child, we all took a tremendous affinity to reading the paper. i don't know why that it still draws me in when i see one laying around, but it does. so that thought made me realize that so many memories are enhanced when in a car.

in high school, before i got my permit, we started taking this gorgeous girl to school with us. so we always let her have the front, because we wanted to be "the man." we would run to open the door for her. let her pick the music and of course try to get her to talk to one of us more than the other. it was awesome.

my dad was a fan on taking us on disciplinary rides. he would for what would seem like hours in total silence, almost waiting for us to spill our guts. if that car didn't take on morgue-like qualities of stale air, lifeless movement, and spirit palpitations, then i was dreaming. it was crazy that then in the last 5 minutes he would ask one question and like a knife, would cut through my dead exterior to find a wounded heart. we would figure out why i did what i did. and resolve it. i went from boy to teenager in these moments, i am sure of it. learning to be honest with my brilliant father looking in my eye and seeing my failure.

another incident that filled my mind was riding in a car with my mom to go to Liberty. there was something crazy amazing about it. i had never been there before, nor had she. and we were just enjoying the quiet road early on a sunday morning. strange thing was that there were butterflys migrating. they were everywhere. it completed the surreal moment of adolescence fading away and me becoming a man.

then there was times of dancing in the car with a friend closer than a brother that bred acceptance (we were dancing to techno like night at the roxbury). we lost all of our dignity and totally were able to be the real us. or there was a time where i rode in a car to georgia/florida for spring break teaching me about how to talk to strangers (thank you laura) or how to be a clown (we fit 5 people - 2 guys, 2 girls, and an eric carlson, the original brawny man) in a VW bug. and then drove across the country with a best friend who showed me a lot about trust, fearless living, honesty and driving for that matter (my first long duration manual driving excursion). did i mention that we almost got chased by a green funnel cloud aka a tornado? well we did. or i could mention how a car ride was the beginning of the end of things for me. a car ride also used to be the best feeling in the world, riding to class with my roommate. i don't know what it was, but something about being in that seat beside them said so much more than what anyone was saying, especially in our laughter at our favorite morning show and devouring granola of all shapes, flavors, and sizes.

then there was a time, i hated driving after being in the car by myself riding home, and my life was changed forever. a helicopter ride, a week in the hospital, a few surgeries, 39 staples, a couple plates of metal, screws, and pins, and two months later i was officially a lame man, trying to pull himself back together from a wreck that changed everything. plans, dreams, basically life.

riding in cars is like a commentary of what happens or doesn't happen in life.

then today was like this: riding in my car on my way home from work thinking, i wish someone was in the car with me. someone to change the music, someone to talk to about nothing or everything. someone to just drive around with randomly. i was regretting not having taken a ride with a few people, but looking forward to the next time.

go for a ride. it might make all the difference.

-peaks out.

questioning vs. asking questions

2008-01-22T22:28:00.000-05:00

one of my most intense dilemmas i have been facing is based upon this thought that i question more than i ask questions.

this might sound like some play on words or something, however i am serious. often i can see in my life that i question everything, but i do not ask questions. what is the motive for this occurrence. i think that today i realized that when you question things, that you are basically being selfish. you are aligning everything to your thoughts, your ideals, your perspectives. on the contrary, if you ask questions about their thoughts, their ideals, their perspectives, you might actually learn something, like how to be unselfish.

it is a tragedy that i question things. i don't mean to be selfish, but it is so deeply entangled into our lives, that it is hard work to change it. i have every means of wanting to be more interested in others than in propagating my thoughts. so i am going to attempt to ask more questions, in pursuit of seeking to understand instead of being understood. my goals in life have to be others focused more than me focused. i like to talk so sometimes this is hard and misconstrued. so i hope that people will see that my effort is to know them and what is really going on and not just see the gabby jason i can tend to be.

i wonder what it would be like to not be selfish at all. it is probably ridiculously overwhelming. the thought of really caring for others and being moved to the place that i am completely about them sounds exhausting. i welcome this wonderful challenge in my life. i want to be overworked because of love. well cause that is what this boils down to. love. i don't love you if i don't inquire about you. when i am questioning, i am loving myself. when i question you, i love you.

so i am going to attempt to stop and ask a question. maybe it will make a world of difference. i want to love you.

- peaks out.

the power of songs.

2008-01-21T22:48:00.000-05:00

isn't it crazy that one song can hold so much meaning, feeling, emotion, experience in about 4 minutes.

i love that you can often listen to a song and in that time where the track begins with the instrumental introduction to the resounding finale of the song, there is something more always going on. i recently experienced this. i was listening to a song and all of a sudden, that song transported me back to my house in country place, me sitting on the plaid couch in the upstairs living room, and reeling about some ridiculousness i was undergoing. everything seemed to real in that darn length of that song.

what is it about a song that can penetrate the soul? is it its ability to surprise us. we go into putting iTunes on shuffle without the expectation that it might affect us. it is almost like getting sucker punched or kissed when you are expecting a hug. that shock is enough to cause us to catch our breath or to breath in that moment in it's entirety. it is a beautiful place to reside, even if for only 3 minutes and 56 seconds, or however long the song is.

i once heard that people who lose their minds and memory in old age, still for some reason retain their ability to remember songs. that's because it is not just a song, it is a piece of our history, our story, our journey to me.

i hope my soundtrack is kickin'.

- peaks out.

where has the fun gone?

2008-01-21T22:38:00.000-05:00

let down your hair, dance in a circle, and make a fool of yourself.

truly it is so saddening that people do not engage in fun. we recently had a party of epic proportions. it was an incredible event that merged aged groups, races, religious ideals, and basically all humans. this party was honoring a great person, however, i think that it was an excuse to realize that too often, we reduce the enjoyment in our lives.

when's the last time you had a good time? i recently read that people exhibit more joy when they express themselves and when they engage in prerational concepts. think about it. you don't have fun because you are thinking too much. however, what causes you to lose all the ridiculous things you have to ponder? that which is indelibly connected to fun. you can get lost in music, dancing, writing, singing, etc. think honestly when is the last time you had fun and attempt to practice that daily. for me it is often not anything "lofty." it is merely laughing.

laughing is one of those things that are so essential because there is a release of stress when you exhibit this practice. there are so many other things that are connected with having fun. without fun, then we begin to reject our very personhood and attempt to live as mere machines. robots and computers don't enjoy life, they function. i think we live in function mode too often.

i am planning on taking a few moments to laugh at myself, maybe to the point of tears, cause why do something half way. live that moment.

i encourage you to live, and not just function. but live. embrace fun and play in your life, watching that you become the person you want to be in that moment.

- peaks out.

arguing.

2008-01-21T22:27:00.000-05:00

sometimes you just feel that the world needs to know that you're right.

it is highly unfortunate that most of us engage in arguments more than we speak. i am not saying that arguing is necessarily wrong or anything like that, there is a place for it. however, i think you can have two approaches to arguing. one correct, the other, grossly flawed.

the first is simple enough and that you are arguing for the sake of discovering the truth. here arguing becomes an ongoing dialogue between individuals with the purpose of coming into agreement. this is highly beneficial where we find that truth is discovered in relationship and understanding one another so much so that union is solidified by our argument. even to disagree on understanding the truth is not wrong, it is just another evidence that our differences bring us together.

however, the arguing that i struggle with and i am not always careful about is the kind of arguing that you assume you are a better person than who you are arguing. this is relative to the thoughts of arguing not believing the other person has anything to say or add. it basically demoralizes them by removing their personhood and leaves them standing there as an bleeding animal denigrated and maimed by your narcissistic dagger. how dare one enter into argument with the presupposition that they are right and everyone else is wrong. what kind of relationship does this facilitate? it seems that it merely assumes that the argument is all about the propagation of yourself and your ideals, rather than trying to see other's ideas as valuable.

basically we either are acting like a god by being so staid on our perspectives or we are conversing with others to come to a way to live life that would be better, more fulfilling, or more beneficial to everyone else.

i hope to learn how to argue without demi-god attitude. i desire it intensely.

-peaks out.

fairy tales.

2008-01-16T22:11:00.000-05:00

fairy tales are just that. tales. stories about those things both fair and unfair in our lives.

so when you are a unique person and you have unique friends crazy things occur in conversation. so in this conversation with a friend of mine, they asked me which fairy tale hero do i identify with the most? i guess i haven't really thought of that question in that light before. i have definitely correlated my life experience to the likes of edward scissorhands, and the likes. however, to think of a fairy tale "prince" was not on my highest thought about character references.

so i surveyed a few fairy tales noticing their heros. first let me tell you that it seems that they all at some point sing duets with their loves and kiss them to waken them from some dark deathly spell. i don't think this is a stretch. I think most men desire to find women who they can complement and ultimately awaken with love.

however, most of these princes didn't know who they were if it was written on their tights. they all have serious identity issues and most do not have the internal fortitude to do what is right, they must be prodded like cattle towards the fair maiden. although this resonates reality, i wish it weren't true. it is ridiculous that the man rarely knows who he is, while the princess is always so sure. men, find your identity. secondly, don't delay in pursuing your hearts desire. be bold and have courage. love is worth it.

i thus say all this to say that i found myself longing to be like peter pan. he lives in a dream world with little responsibility. he is not a prince, so he has no kingdom, he just enjoys life and flies around initiating those people who are open to experiencing more than what they know. he is a rescuer, a savior, a suitor. however, he never finds love. he also never commits. because he would never sacrifice his world for another. so i think i have hints of peter, but he wasn't one that i would say would be my choice.

another that i considered was the beast(prince) from Beauty and the Beast. he's ugly, misunderstood, harsh, and needs to be coached in order for him to be the man. through some of this coaching and development, he reveals his heart and his willingness to sacrifice his selfishness for another. in the end, he is transformed and gets the girl.

so i guess in many ways, i appreciate these wonderful, ridiculous fairy tales in that i learn so much about human nature from them. hopefully you will ask yourself the question of who are in the stories that are told and what does that say about you?

-peaks out.

new life resolutions.

2008-01-15T22:12:00.000-05:00

i think that we all have made new year's resolutions, however, when is the last time you made a new life resolutions. i mean decisions that would so drastically change the way you live life, you might not even be recognizable.

so i have pondered about some things to commit to for the upcoming year, some for this year, some for the rest of my life. i have been hesitant to post them, because i know that if i do, i will have to check up on them often and that anyone who might read this can also hold me to those things. so therefore i am submitting myself to a new level of responsibility:

Here they are in no specific order:

-be more honest with others, by always being willing to tell the whole truth.

-be consistent with people, by always doing what i say.

-hear God's voice speaking, by listening to his Spirit, his Word, his creation, or his people. therefore, listen more. (this includes meditation and reflective prayer)

-always look for application directives when reading the Bible.

-attempt vulnerability as often as possible, so that others can see the real me.

-remember that relationships are the most important thing in life, which means always looking for a way to put others before myself.

-take time to worship God daily.

-journal daily what is both going on in my spiritual life (moleskine) and what is going on in my head (blog)

-read the Bible daily (get through the new testament 6 times in the year), studying it by identifying concepts, people's examples, and the stories that are innate.

-play the piano and sing at every chance i get. practicing my skills.

-create daily by writing, singing, painting, composing, etc.

-expect nothing, give everything. if someone says they want something or like something - give it to them. don't assume a return is coming.

-read print like crazy whether it is the newspaper, books, articles, novels, etc. by always having reading material in hand or (in bag).

-minimize television and the surfing on the net. there is little gained from these things.

-be active every day. go on a walk, swim, run, work out, flex, tennis, etc.

-watch more movies to develop a greater ability to tell stories.

-take more pictures.

-weekly submission to other brothers concerning areas of weakness.

-try to start a conversation everywhere i go. be concerned genuinely about others.

-take a trip out of state/country.

-ask others what they think of Jesus.

-memorize Scripture.

-take sabbaths/fasts from life, food, relationships, etc. remember to breathe.

-be careful when using words, speak good things to them, always the truth, but never something that would cause injury. work on being more gentle with my communication.

-have more fun.

that is all for now. we'll see what happens. here's to a new year, new life, new day.

-peaks out.

differences.

2008-01-14T21:55:00.000-05:00

sometimes people really hate that other people are not just like they are.

so in the last few days, i have come to really appreciate the differences that others have. it is incredible to know so many people that are so hugely different and begin to wonder how incredible it is that they are not you and you are not them. these differences do not make it easy to have relationship with them, quite the contrary. attempting friendship takes a ridiculous amount of understanding others, instead of trying to be understood. if we think about friendships in a way that the more people you have who are not like you, the more well balanced you will probably end up being. if you are with people who are the same as you, you will never grow. you will never progress, you will just stagnate. how lame is that? there is a huge disability that occurs in your life when you fail to engage in unique relationships with other people. isn't there something so refreshing when experiencing life with people who bring intrigue to your life. there is a necessity to be engaged, and without those who are both similar and different there will not be that variegation.

i am not saying that this is easy. or that you always will enjoy it. however, i think you know that you will be behooved by those people. a crazy song that always comes to head when thinking about friendship says, "because i knew you, i have been changed for the good." embrace the differences. maybe you will be a more complete person.

-peaks out.

pursued by God.

2008-01-14T00:10:00.000-05:00

do you ever feel like running?

unfortunately, God is going to run after you like whoa. i am definitely a person who knows this well. i think we often might believe that we can escape or get away from what God has for our lives. however, we can't. he's everywhere. i heard recently from a friend: "there are no heathen, only prodigals." that's is a statement to ponder.

anyways, i am writing this because i experienced it tonight. i called up my best friend to tell him how much i have been struggling in my life with all sorts of things. however, when he picked up i chose not to tell him (a bad move by the way). i knew God had me call him to talk to him, and practice honesty. however, i failed to obey God and hung up. then in my boredom i got on AIM. i started talking to my friend's wife just saying hello and it ended up being him instead of her. he somehow knew i was okay (this would be God's humor). anyways, as he talked to me on AIM, he told me that he really wanted to pray with me. so after i sorta spilled what was going on in my life to him, he was encouraging me to come over and pray with him. so i did. i drove over to his house and he basically told me a whole lot about what God has been trying to say to me that i haven't been listening. we talked and then prayed for like 3 hours. God did some seriously awesome stuff in my life. it was awesome. i found some serious deliverance from lies of the enemy.

all that to say. God will find you. today, tomorrow, next week, etc. he's crazy about you.

-peaks out.

Hour and half phone conversations.

2008-01-12T01:01:00.000-05:00

i really dislike phone conversations, however, when your best friends live 180 miles away, you do what you gotta do. and i am pretty sure the mysteries of the universe can be solved in them.

so i had a blast tonight hanging with some truly enjoyable friends. then i got in my car for the 3o minute ride home to see that i missed a call from one of my best friends. i was eager to talk to him. talking to friends is like your favorite pair of slippers. you just can't beat them. they will never get thrown away. anyways, as we were talking, i realized a lot. we talked about all the normal stuff: life, love, the pursuit of God, the pursuit of girls. And then we talked about the going ons of life. the constant tension of living and knowing what the heck you are doing. i sat there to think about how funny it was to feel that i was sitting on the back porch just drinking some chai or something talking to my friend. then it hit me as we were talking.

a flash of brilliance. a moment of clarity. we had talked about always being disappointed about what wasn't happening in our lives, such as reaching our God-given purpose. and then i realized you neglect to look at the awesome things in the now, when you are looking too far ahead. we talked about how there are these little crazy things in life that are so awesome, such as God bringing the sun up so we don't freeze to death, or that things are so much better than we could have imagined.

it is funny cause the things that we imagine or desire, are often not the points that God wants us to address. it is like we ask for direction, he discusses the weather. or maybe i am trying to find the path for tomorrow and he is harping what i learned last week. if we don't recognize those things we might miss out on the life we should be living. so think short, live deep, and obey God.

It's crazy the kinds of things that come out of a phone conversation.

peaks out.

honest abe, i mean honest me.

2008-01-11T01:12:00.001-05:00

honesty seems to be a historically pronounced trait to possess, whether it was abe lincoln or george washington. the significance of this quality is probably due to it's rarity.

two incidences in the last two hours have basically blown up this issue in my life. first and foremost, i have made it one of my new year's resolutions to be more honest. as hard as it might be to be 100 percent honest. partial truth is not truth. it is a lie.

anyways, back to these two moments of brilliance. the first occurred when i read an email by a very dear influential friend. they sent me a song to listen to, because we have been exchanging songs for fun. it is a blast. nonetheless, they sent me this song called "someone to fall back on" which is this amazing brilliant song about a guy being honest about what he is or isn't. and his honesty seems to be ridiculously compelling. it was like that trait took him to the highest virtue. it was a beautiful song about being honest with yourself and with others. let's just be honest for a second, you're not fooling anyone, so why pretend. i guess this song was amazing because i wasn't expecting a song that was so unadorned. which is not like the world we live in, which is ridiculously whitewashed. so to hear some unadulteration was just mind blowing. i love the concept of being this honest. get what you see, take it or leave it.

the second occurrence of honest brilliance was in an email from an awesome and incredible friend. he was just so transparent from the beginning to the end of the email with no ulterior motives. there was something that again moved me as i read it. i just thought of the amazing metaphor that honesty seems to portray. it is like you give someone your most flawed thing that you possess, your pride, isolation, laziness, inconsistency, failure, whatever is the weakest thing in your life and you give it away when you are honest. allowing people to have complete care of your frailty. my friend has done this completely. he owned up to his mess. he became human. all the while totally embracing the spiritual. although this does not always come out pretty, there is an incredible amount we can learn about how honesty is communicating a great love that most never experience. honesty is like a prism that allows love to be dispersed in all directions due to the brokenness that is innately in honesty. when's the last time that you lit up someone's light with colorful light?

peaks out.

iced solo grande sweetened with breve lite ice iced coffee con leche

2008-01-11T00:01:00.001-05:00

that is what i ordered today.

sometimes you feel that you need to experiment with life and different things. that is one of my mottos this year. do things that are different. dance to no music. sing instead of speak. listen to out of the ordinary genres of music. read printed literature instead of computer mediated reading. order an iced solo grande sweetened with breve lite ice iced coffee con leche instead of a tall hazelnut mocha. this drink changed my world. almost like wearing a tie with a t-shirt. it seems so wrong, but feels so right. doing something out of the ordinary often feels so wrong, but is really right.

ordinary. what is that anyways? there is no such thing. we are all crazy and insane. let's not fool ourselves. some of us are even more crazy (such as those who order an I.S.G.S.B.L.I.I.C.C.L). ordinary is in the eye of the beholder. and ordinary is probably more beautiful than extraordinary. let's be honest, those who are extraordinary, are just a little too much extra. extra just seems superfluous. do we really need extra? i think of all the negative thoughts that come with extra. extra pounds, extra gum, extra baggage, etc. sometimes too much is too much. just be you. be ordinary. ordinarily you. again, ordinary does not exist. we are all so different there is no norm. don't buy into the system.

i have a friend that basically is the most insane person i have met (in other's eyes), however i told him that it is that him and i are the sane ones and everyone else in the world is intertwined in the insanity. embrace the sanity. try something new. and love it.

peaks out.

p.s. i thought an iced solo grande sweetened with breve lite ice iced coffee con leche was unique. the barista at starbucks said that she has another lady that orders the same thing. oh the irony. i mean the sanity.

"Second Star to the Right and Straight on Til Morning."

2008-01-10T00:18:00.000-05:00

if you are not familiar with that quote, it is from J.M. Barrie's work Peter Pan, which describes where Neverland is.

i think that i often believe that Neverland exists. however, it is not the place where pirates and indians war against each other or where crocodiles digest time pieces. it is that place where you are sitting in your room and everything is unbelievably quiet because all the house is sleeping, you are awake and enjoying the silent bliss. i have come to treasure that place, it is where thoughts become more vivid, either due to wandering minds or maybe the stars alignment and the moon's illumination. i don't know, but i am learning to love it more. i have often had many amazing conversations in this time and although most of them end up being rather gut wrenchingly honest and sometimes fanciful, they are real and so are the people that are involved. i love that. less inhibitions and more honesty.

more often than naught i disdain this time for fear that it might unleash some dreadful beast from within or perhaps it will reveal some in-discrepancies in my character or something of that nature. but i am noting that in that place of Neverland, you find yourself accepting others more readily, being more understanding with them. i find this is true even for myself. in Neverland, i can be okay with being creative or loving artistic things without fear of rejection. artsy things often have such a negative connotation with them. however, i am learning that Neverland should be all the time. therefore, i have challenged myself to make Neverland a reality to me and all who i come in contact with.

Neverland is invited into my world so that I can experience all things in their fullness whenever i chose. this is where my spiritual life is allowed to full of doubts and failures, my relational life can be accessible to all, my intellect will be expansive and unyielding, my emotions can be unhampered, and my volition will choose the right thing every time. I hope you come to Neverland, I am sure it would behoove you as much as it did for me.

peaks out.

memory.

2008-01-09T15:05:00.000-05:00

the mind is incredible.

sometimes have you just wondered about how memories are sparked. a sound, a noise, a smell, a picture. i had one of those moments today where someone's voice triggered a flood of high school memories. there was thoughts of acceptance, stress, ridiculousness, love (or the hopes of it), as well as thoughts of rejection, denial, cruelty, jests, and ultimately depression. i guess at the moment i was kinda muttering expletives to myself at thinking of all the difficulty i encountered in my youth. but then something all of sudden hit me like a bus. memories are to remind us about the progress in life. although those times weren't always pleasant, i can look back on them with sheer delight knowing that those things that plagued my existence are definitely not things that i center around any longer.

so then once i recalled these things my google brain began to analyze many of my memories, some that i treasure (like moving from the circle dorms to the hill and november camping) and some that i regret (such as wearing jnco jeans and not giving people another chance). however, it all comes back to a realization that today is another day of memories. one could live in the memories of their mind (like in eternal sunshine of the spotless mind kind of way), however then you would never live today. that in essence would be a disappointing existence, living in yesteryear's regret or laud. why not experience today for the very purpose of remembering it. what will be done today that you can remember forever.

i don't know, maybe it will be that you speak your mind every time you open your mouth. or perhaps it will be to be honest with yourself about issues you have been dealing with. or what if it was the day you bought the ring for your future wife. sky's the limit. nothing can stop you from making today the greatest day of your life. do today, remember for a lifetime. i plan on taking a few moments, remembering the songs that played on iTunes that caused me to smile, or the way the clouds seemed to movelessly shift across the sky when you looked out the window in your office. if i still had my remember wall (a burlap wall hanging that my best friend made for our room last year), i would be safety-pinning something on it for sure.

so for the record: "When All We Have is Taken" started my day and I am about to end the work day with the thoughts of Top Gun's theme in my head. What a triumphant day. The sky was black to start out with, with a few stars oscillating their final night's shine, ending the day with a white fading out blue sky that is only opaqued by a few naked trees. Today was a victorious beauty.

peaks out.

emails.

2008-01-08T16:56:00.000-05:00

i love emails.

there is something about emails that just seem to make life better. i don't know whether it is the thought that others need to connect to you, or maybe it is the dinging chime that resounds in my soul when a message arrives. i mostly think that life is so short and rarely enjoyed that emails allow for some greater joy to be partaken. perhaps it is an email from your boss that gives you direction for the day. maybe it is from your best friend about the fact that he can't remember a singer's name and knows that you are the only one that will know. it could be a memory placed into an electronic letter so that you can treasure both past, present, and future at the same time. i am eager to understand how emails can change everything in a day, maybe it is our mood, our emotions, our intellects, or maybe that story from your grandma, which you never read, is exactly what you need to be able to continue in your life journey. "i've got mail, and it's exciting."

peaks out.

Starting something new...

2008-01-08T11:58:00.000-05:00

journaling of sorts:

so i am starting something new this year, i am going to try to keep an online journal of the musings and thoughts that i might have. we'll see how it goes, but i am sorta excited about it. this is completely random and reckless style journaling and maybe people will get it and maybe they won't, but hopefully it will be a good way to get the creative thinking flowing.

to start things out: ps. 78.7-8 ~ "so that they should set their hope in God and not forget the works of God, but keep his commandments; and that they should not be like their fathers, a stubborn and rebellious generation, a generation whose heart was not steadfast, whose spirit was not faithful to God."

i'm learning about faith, and in the process i stumbled on this verse. crazily it talks more about what faith is not: forgetfulness, stubbornness, rebellion, and instability. unfortunately, more times than not this is definitely the things that characterize my life. however, on the flip side, we can see that there are contrasts shown: hope, remembrance, observance and obedience. so on i go on my faith trek.

take a look around, find hope in redemption, find remembrance in community, observance in ritual, and obedience in listening.

peaks out.