fear...

heard this last night, "Fear is believing that the outcome will be negative...faith is believing that the outcome will be positive." 

don't fear and remain rejected, embrace love and adoption, have faith, and see what God does. 

leaves & mercy

probably for about two weeks, i have been thinking about the story of the blind beggar who exclaimed, "Son of David, have mercy." i don't know why this verse sticks out now and not from any of the thousands of times i have heard it in sunday school. the story just came alive for me in worship, was we were singing, "worthy, worthy, you are worthy," or something to that effect and i remember thinking, "my God you're so worthy but i just need you so much," and then i recall opening my mouth and singing, "Son of David, have mercy." i am sure people were thinking what is he talking about, due to the newness of their faith. nonetheless, i went back to just re-read this passage so i could maybe acquire some revelation about what was occurring. As Jesus responded to his persistent cries with a question of "What do you want?" He simply responded, "Lord, let me recover my sight." there was something so pregnant in that phrase for me. my heart began to reel and i realized, my God, have i lost my sight? have i been unable to perceive your very presence, have i missed your voice calling, am i blind to what is really occurring in my world? and i thought to myself, perhaps, i too am a beggar who although i hear a crowd passing by, i don't know what is going on. or perhaps when i do inquire, and i realize the significance of that moment and i have a choice - to be silenced by those around me or to begin to desperately ask for mercy, for wholeness, for life. i love that when he asked of the Lord in faith he was made whole. the greatest part of this story for me however is not merely his healing, but it says, he followed him, glorifying God. i just long to find wholeness in the Lord's touch and in his path. 

that path. the one of glory. what an incredible picture that i received this morning as i meandered around campus waiting for them to open the buildings. i began walking on an asphalt road covered with leaves, i then proceeded to walk through the grass with leaves ebbing and flowing from about my feet. the light thrush of them echoing the rhythm of my corduroys zipping as i walked gingerly. i looked down to catch a glimpse and saw the most amazing fractal patterns of leaves aligned on the ground and i immediately wondered, how did i miss this beauty yesterday? Lord, recover my sight. i know that as i will begin to see with his eyes that i will be able to glorify God and praise him from a latent place in my heart. let our hearts revive with the questions of Jesus and be found to praise him for his questions, for he will give to us upbraideth not, when we respond to him. 

so i will forever see leaves and the mercy God entwined. recover our sight, we have no other way. 

- peaks out

dibere hanavi'im

for those of you not in hebrew grammar, which i am currently abusing my brain with, dibere hanavi'im means "words of the prophet." this week my mom preached a fantastic message on basically salvific history and how one can always find the Lord looking for a place built unto him. i felt it was one of the most prophetic sermons i heard in ages. one of those re-alignment to the will, word, plan, and purpose of God kind of sermons. due to its optimality i decided to dedicate my playlist for this week to prophetic songs that have moved my heart back into alignment with His. hope you enjoy.

"lullaby for a petrified sacred society" - this song is written by the brilliant Jason Upton, who speaks of the church's insulation from the world and its willingness to build a safe system away from harm aka people not associated with church. hauntingly beautiful. 

"eyes for you (ps 141)" -  sarah mcintosh & phil wickham - this song is one of the most incredible songs about redirecting our hearts back to the Lord. "dear Lord, i only have eyes for you." wow, what passion, what direction, what penetration. 

"you won't relent" - kim walker & chris quilila - this song takes the gritty voice of an angel and makes that voice soar over guitar laden beauty. it is so unbelievably intense, that i can't help but echo the song, "my heart is Yours..." 

"no limits (enlarge my territory)" - israel houghton - this man's ability to hear what God is saying in the Spirit is ridiculous. i have been thinking about how this should move our hearts to not being limited in our actions towards the lost and not towards experiencing everything that God has for me. "break forth...release me...enlarge my territory"

"my soul longs for you" - misty edwards - a song of hope and anticipation calling us to desire the things of the lord on a deeper level than we have before - "i believe you will come like the rain." 

"healing rain" - michael w. smith - i know, right, michael w, so totally not my style, but this song is respectful for sure. the declaration of healing and the wholeness and security it brings truly is inspiring. "healing rain is falling down, healing rain is falling down, i'm not afraid." 

"we wait upon you" - free chapel live - this song just beckons for the Lord to reveal himself to us in a real way in a now time. 

"you'll come" - hillsong & all constituents - a powerful anthem about how as "surely as the sun will rise, you'll come to us...chains be broken and lives be healed, eyes be opened, Christ is revealed." this song makes me want to shout to the highest heavens. 

"when i speak your name" - elizabeth clark (christ for the nations) - you cannot control this song, just like  you cannot contain the name of Jesus. it is the name that causes everything to change. mountains moving, darkness fleeing. "there is life in the name, power in the name of Jesus." her voice expresses how desperate she is personally for Jesus as she goes as far as singing her voice out. raw worship at its finest.

"lion of judah" - jason upton - this song always takes me back to aslan in the chronicles of narnia reminding me that the lion will gather those people who are "nameless, placeless, and a faceless tribe" who more than anything just fear the lord. these people will be the movers and shakers, the prophets and the priests. 

"holy visitation" - rita springer - a song full of eastern styles employing serious minor key movement that really declares a powerful word about the Lord coming with a holy visitation. calling people to return to him with "fasting and weeping and mourning...between porch and altar." it ends with a cry of war upon the enemy and awesome drums thumping the cadence. 

- peaks out. 

slow motion....

so today after our goodbye luncheon/birthday party office staff, we arrived back at the church to find out that my dad went to the ER. 

i can't tell you how scared i was to hear that my amazing father was in the ER. and then it got worse, they told us it might have been a heart attack. my mind was blown because my dad is a healthy guy that eats well and works out like 6 days a week. 

i felt so unbelievably helpless as i ran to be with my mom and my dad. i didn't have any deep thoughts or questions, i just thought how much i absolutely love my father. despite his awfully lame jokes, his awkward comments, his explosive personality, and his ability to embarrass me at every chance, i think he is the best freakin' dad in the world. i thought i don't tell him that i love him enough. i don't give to him as he constantly gives to me. i felt that i had nothing to offer him except be his crazy son that challenges him on everything he says. helplessnessly overwhelmed with my father's love for me, i found myself wanting. i need my dad. i need his insight. i need his wisdom. i need his passion for others and for the Lord. 

everything feels like its slow motion and i  am the only thing blazing forward. i hate that i don't feel that i can embrace the situation and everything God is saying. i am trusting the Lord, but i have to focus on worship, on school, on everything else and all i want to do is sit on the couch with my dad and know that all is well in the world. hanging with my poppy, my pops, my pache. kissing on his buzzed head and hugging him like a bear. 

jesus, thank you for giving grace to my family and the bigger realization of your love for me through my dad. 

on the technical side of things, dad had a 99% blockage in one of the arteries in the back of his heart. every other artery was completely fine. just that one. the docs said that basically he got the ER before any damage could really be done to his heart. he is going to have to take it easy as they put a shunt in that artery. he is currently in ICU being closely monitored and tomorrow will probably be moved to a regular room. we hope he can come home on saturday. great thing...no longtime or short term heart damage.

just keep praying for us and our church family. 

love you all.

slowing motion.

- peaks out.

"all will be well" by gabe dixon band is on repeat. 

scissorhands. (and a playlist to accompany)

so yesterday i was speaking with a friend of mine after we had worked a lot of the day on homework and somehow i began to talk about a movie quote that I love, 

"i'm not finished" - edward scissorhands

this thought has resonated in my heart and i suppose in my head since then. but in worship tonight it was brought back like a tuning fork struck with such tremendous force that i could barely bear it. i was brought to my knees as i realized that currently i have been really acting "finished." it is almost like my school and my work have been my validation in the aspects of my life, whether it be friends or my relationship with God. tonight, instead of being deluded by my thoughts of "being okay," i found myself realizing the greatness of my need. it was like i looked down and my scissorhands had ruined the real hands God has been trying to give me this whole time. so by my hiding behind the walls of false completion i have missed out on what God wants for me. i've now come to the point that i had to recognize that like it says in psalm 51 that i need Yahweh to rebuild my heart into something new and untainted by my ability, and i need his Spirit to come and refresh my life with its incredible transforming power. i know that he wants to be the giver of unmerited grace and covenant love to me so that he can make me finished apart from me. i'm now okay with the fact that i have scissorhands. one day God will give me those hands and i have so much expectation for today that he will do it in the best time. until then, i will relish my scissorhands. i know that i need a mediator for my life otherwise i cannot be touched or touch others with my life. Jesus is the perfect bubble wrap for my unfinishedness. i revel in him. Son of David have mercy on me. 

- peaks out

scissorhand playlist: 

1. rescue me - adam watts - providence of God played this song on itunes as it was shuffling as i wrote this blog. coincidence, doubt it. 

2. unrestrained - calvin nowell - wow. love it. worship is all about being real and uninhibited. 

3. i am nothing - shawn mcdonald - i am just dust without Christ

4. grace will be my song - fee - "jesus, lover of the weak...with strength to carry me"

5. we need you Lord - jonathan butler - simple declaration of our need

6. grace for me - michael gungor band - "even though i'm not yet flawless, you are forming me, your grace for me is all i need..."

7. to deserve - jonathan stockstill - "with my hands lifted high, i will praise you as king, for what have i done, to deserve like yours"

8. sing my love - kim walker (jesusculture) - song of the overflow

9. take me - worth dying for - "broken for your glory"

10. nothing back - according to john - "take all of me, cause i have decided....all i got and all i am, all my dreams, all my plans, i'm holding back, i'm holding nothing back from you."

11. gazing - future of forestry - "like a child i'm gazing into wonderous grace"

12. only a man - jonny lang - reminder that we are still human.