longing.

i come back to this word in my life on a pretty cyclical basis. longing. the very word sends chills into my heart as i think that if i am longing, i am not complete. 

maybe that is just it. we are not complete. in tim burton's edward scissorhands, one of the characters sees the horrifying scissorhands of edward and is aghast as Edward simply looks at them with longing and says, "i'm not finished." it is totally awesome that we aren't finished. if we did not have the process of longing for change in our lives, i think that the world would be a boring, drained place. in longing though, there is this fire. this unconsummable fire that blazes in a person to know something more. maybe something beyond themselves. or perhaps it is something that they desire from others. or maybe it is beyond both of those categories and allows our intellect to be freed to enjoy the contemplation of God, who is altogether more than we could ever handle. 

my constant journey falls to this same point. if i am longing, it is going to be fulfilled. unfortunately, i seem to find "less wild lovers" as Curtis says, instead of finding a way that my soul can be satisfied. on the contrary, there is the word that i love to think about more than longing. satisfied. even when i say, i almost have an implicit smile knowing that there is an incredible completion that comes when i am satisfied. again, this desire is not just with food, love, or occupation. longing and satisfaction ensue our coattails and cause us to consider the facts. we aren't finished. but we can be. and maybe partial satisfaction will enjoin your life today, but if not, there is always tomorrow. 

onward to journeys with more longing and onward still unto satisfaction. 

- peaks out.

anger to tears.

well today i had one of those hellish moments that no one ever enjoys experiencing. 

i got so mad, that i cried. not just that kind of mad that makes your blood boil, your face redden, and your veins pop out of your forehead and neck. instead i was ready to burst into an intense fit of rage with floods coming down my face. i don't know why one experiences this feeling, but it has occasioned my life more than once. 

i guess more than anything, it is about the overflow. in honesty, isn't that what tears are? the overflow of emotions, of life, of anger, of fear, of joy, of sorrow, of loss, of gain. i mean it seems that maybe tears are where we really become real. those tears that we shed are the same tears that water our souls to embrace our wholeness. whether in our tears of mourning where we are sobered by the tear drop moistly racing down our flushed cheek or those tears of anger where you want to let everything that is in your system. 

the overflow is what we are made of. tears are just water in essence. we are made up largely of water. the expression of tears in our lives causes us to live more than we could ever hope to live in our wild experience of life. the tears are the parameters to happiness and to all other things that are insanely human. we shouldn't reject our tears, but embrace them and see them not as a sign of weakness but as a sign of our ability to be the overflow of ordinary and moving in a way of abundance that few every dream.

tearfully and wonderfully made and proud of it. 

- peaks out. 

dreams.

i guess i have always been a little skeptical of dreams in my life. like the ones when you sleep, not the ones you conjure up about your future. 

i have recently been challenged by some of my friends to pay attention to your dreams (both kinds), but specifically the ones that come in the middle of the night and wake you from your slumber. maybe that dream was just too much pizza in the evening hours, or maybe it is revealing more about what is really going on. just think about it. 

the people in your dreams are probably symbolic or interrelated to what is currently occurring in your life. the actions you are doing must be significant. the places that you are maybe reveal some kind of hidden desire. there is so much in the human psyche that is layered. it could be that these things are only revealed in your technicolor or black and white sleep movies. 

i recently had a friend ask me what they thought their dream was communicating and i was amazed to notice so many things that i might not before, if i was unwilling to consider dreams. nonetheless, i have decided to jot those dreams down if they seem important. maybe they are. maybe they aren't. but why take the chance of missing out. 

dream big. dream bold. dream beautiful. 

pleasant dreams. 

- peaks out. 

poor of love, rich with self.

so this has been a sobering week. in more way than one, i have realized my spiritual condition and was challenged to my core. i am glad that God made it aware to me. however, it is going to be a long journey. 

so i was thinking about studying something "new" in my spiritual journey. i had all sorts of good ideas and thoughts that were fueling me. then i realized the dearth i was in. this morning, i had a cup of vanilla chai (one of my favorites), with a group of guys. it was cool as always to shoot the breeze with them. they are awesome guys and sometimes i don't know how i got pulled into their coffee coolness. 5am coffee is not for the faint of heart. anyways, back to my thoughts about dearth. 

we were just talking about life, love and the pursuit of God. my mind was flooded with good thought topics about how to challenge these men with whatever stale bread i have in my satchel from last week. but there was a check in my heart, it was saying something on the lines of "don't fake it." it caught me off guard and actually silenced me in the conversation. i have been silent since then, only uttering a few words about the brisk weather as i left to come to work. when i arrived, i thought to myself, what am i going to read before work today. for some reason i decided to do an impromptu "love check." i got into the habit of doing these last year and it has been a while since i have since examined my life to the truth about love. 

as i read i found that love is patient, kind, does not envy of boast, is not arrogant or rude, doesn't insist on its own way, it is not irritable or resentful, does not rejoice at wrong doing, but rejoices in truth. it bears all things, believes all things, hopes all things, endures all things. 

love never ends. 

using this as a filter for my current condition, i was enlightened that i have not been walking in love. if i am not walking in love, how am i like Jesus Christ? i am not. instead i am walking in my self and enjoying the egocentricity of my life. it's all about me. 

i began to think about how love should be like currency in my life. i should be able to possess it so that i can always give away the wealth that i have to all i encounter. so as i walk by people who are in need, i could give them something that would give them life and be endless. instead i give them something different to fill their alms cup. my raggedly leftovers. the comparison of value is immeasurable. rags instead of riches. 

i once heard this story about a ragman. he would take your rags and give you something in exchange for them. by the end of the story, he had taken the bloody rags of the lame, hurt, wounded, dying, and oppressed and made them whole. i think that is what is so beautiful about love. it makes one whole. it talks about that later in the love evaluation. love is perfect and when it comes all the partial will be taken away. 

thank you ragman for taking my rags because you love me. i can't wait to be a ragman today. 

- peaks out.

p.s. - ragman story - http://www.ebe.org.uk/story84.htm

hurt.

everyone has been hurt at one point or another. but more than you being hurt, you have hurt others. 

i have definitely been hurt by many people in my life. ridicule, sarcasm, condescension, you name it i have experienced it. and you know, it is not cool or fair, however, it is something you cannot control. it is in the hands of the other person. 

however, the challenge i am finding myself reticent to partake is concerning my hurting others. i have realized more an more that i am a jagged person and that i often rub people the wrong way and say or do the wrong thing. this kind of hurting others is probably just a mechanism to protect oneself from getting hurt. and in this process of protection you hurt people. i hurt people probably on a regular basis. i am sorry. it is probably my least favorite thing about myself. i say harsh things or i treat people poorly. well, i realized that i need to change and i thank my amazing best friends for helping me get work on those things. 

i am going to embrace the hurt i have caused and have experienced. and then watch healing come from hurt. i encourage you to do the same. 

- peaks out

riding in cars.

riding in cars is an awesome way to connect and experience life with others. 

for some reason i began to think about this today. the first thought that came to mind was middle school. at that time, due to the nature of me being involved in everything possible from choir to peer mentoring, i could no longer ride the bus. my dad would take me to school along with my brothers. there were a few things that would happen when we would ride with dad. first, we always fought for the front seat. it was like the coolest thing to sit up front with dad, knowing that we were beside him. it was awesome. secondly, it meant that we got to control the music most likely. thirdly, we got dibs on the paper. for some reason as a child, we all took a tremendous affinity to reading the paper. i don't know why that it still draws me in when i see one laying around, but it does. so that thought made me realize that so many memories are enhanced when in a car. 

in high school, before i got my permit, we started taking this gorgeous girl to school with us. so we always let her have the front, because we wanted to be "the man." we would run to open the door for her. let her pick the music and of course try to get her to talk to one of us more than the other. it was awesome. 

my dad was a fan on taking us on disciplinary rides. he would for what would seem like hours in total silence, almost waiting for us to spill our guts. if that car didn't take on morgue-like qualities of stale air, lifeless movement, and spirit palpitations, then i was dreaming. it was crazy that then in the last 5 minutes he would ask one question and like a knife, would cut through my dead exterior to find a wounded heart. we would figure out why i did what i did. and resolve it. i went from boy to teenager in these moments, i am sure of it. learning to be honest with my brilliant father looking in my eye and seeing my failure. 

another incident that filled my mind was riding in a car with my mom to go to Liberty. there was something crazy amazing about it. i had never been there before, nor had she. and we were just enjoying the quiet road early on a sunday morning. strange thing was that there were butterflys migrating. they were everywhere. it completed the surreal moment of adolescence fading away and me becoming a man. 

then there was times of dancing in the car with a friend closer than a brother that bred acceptance (we were dancing to techno like night at the roxbury). we lost all of our dignity and totally were able to be the real us. or there was a time where i rode in a car to georgia/florida for spring break teaching me about how to talk to strangers (thank you laura) or how to be a clown (we fit 5 people - 2 guys, 2 girls, and an eric carlson, the original brawny man) in a VW bug. and then drove across the country with a best friend who showed me a lot about trust, fearless living, honesty and driving for that matter (my first long duration manual driving excursion). did i mention that we almost got chased by a green funnel cloud aka a tornado? well we did. or i could mention how a car ride was the beginning of the end of things for me. a car ride also used to be the best feeling in the world, riding to class with my roommate. i don't know what it was, but something about being in that seat beside them said so much more than what anyone was saying, especially in our laughter at our favorite morning show and devouring granola of all shapes, flavors, and sizes. 

then there was a time, i hated driving after being in the car by myself riding home, and my life was changed forever. a helicopter ride, a week in the hospital, a few surgeries, 39 staples, a couple plates of metal, screws, and pins,  and two months later i was officially a lame man, trying to pull himself back together from a wreck that changed everything. plans, dreams, basically life. 

riding in cars is like a commentary of what happens or doesn't happen in life. 

then today was like this: riding in my car on my way home from work thinking, i wish someone was in the car with me. someone to change the music, someone to talk to about nothing or everything. someone to just drive around with randomly. i was regretting not having taken a ride with a few people, but looking forward to the next time. 

go for a ride. it might make all the difference. 

-peaks out. 

questioning vs. asking questions

one of my most intense dilemmas i have been facing is based upon this thought that i question more than i ask questions. 

this might sound like some play on words or something, however i am serious. often i can see in my life that i question everything, but i do not ask questions. what is the motive for this occurrence. i think that today i realized that when you question things, that you are basically being selfish. you are aligning everything to your thoughts, your ideals, your perspectives. on the contrary, if you ask questions about their thoughts, their ideals, their perspectives, you might actually learn something, like how to be unselfish. 

it is a tragedy that i question things. i don't mean to be selfish, but it is so deeply entangled into our lives, that it is hard work to change it. i have every means of wanting to be more interested in others than in propagating my thoughts. so i am going to attempt to ask more questions, in pursuit of seeking to understand instead of being understood. my goals in life have to be others focused more than me focused. i like to talk so sometimes this is hard and misconstrued. so i hope that people will see that my effort is to know them and what is really going on and not just see the gabby jason i can tend to be. 

i wonder what it would be like to not be selfish at all. it is probably ridiculously overwhelming. the thought of really caring for others and being moved to the place that i am completely about them sounds exhausting. i welcome this wonderful challenge in my life. i want to be overworked because of love. well cause that is what this boils down to. love. i don't love you if i don't inquire about you. when i am questioning, i am loving myself. when i question you, i love you. 

so i am going to attempt to stop and ask a question. maybe it will make a world of difference. i want to love you. 

- peaks out. 

the power of songs.

isn't it crazy that one song can hold so much meaning, feeling, emotion, experience in about 4 minutes. 

i love that you can often listen to a song and in that time where the track begins with the instrumental introduction to the resounding finale of the song, there is something more always going on. i recently experienced this. i was listening to a song and all of a sudden, that song transported me back to my house in country place, me sitting on the plaid couch in the upstairs living room, and reeling about some ridiculousness i was undergoing. everything seemed to real in that darn length of that song. 

what is it about a song that can penetrate the soul? is it its ability to surprise us. we go into putting iTunes on shuffle without the expectation that it might affect us. it is almost like getting sucker punched or kissed when you are expecting a hug. that shock is enough to cause us to catch our breath or to breath in that moment in it's entirety. it is a beautiful place to reside, even if for only 3 minutes and 56 seconds, or however long the song is. 

i once heard that people who lose their minds and memory in old age, still for some reason retain their ability to remember songs. that's because it is not just a song, it is a piece of our history, our story, our journey to me.

 i hope my soundtrack is kickin'. 

- peaks out.

where has the fun gone?

let down your hair, dance in a circle, and make a fool of yourself. 

truly it is so saddening that people do not engage in fun. we recently had a party of epic proportions. it was an incredible event that merged aged groups, races, religious ideals, and basically all humans. this party was honoring a great person, however, i think that it was an excuse to realize that too often, we reduce the enjoyment in our lives. 

when's the last time you had a good time? i recently read that people exhibit more joy when they express themselves and when they engage in prerational concepts. think about it. you don't have fun because you are thinking too much. however, what causes you to lose all the ridiculous things you have to ponder? that which is indelibly connected to fun. you can get lost in music, dancing, writing, singing, etc. think honestly when is the last time you had fun and attempt to practice that daily. for me it is often not anything "lofty." it is merely laughing. 

laughing is one of those things that are so essential because there is a release of stress when you exhibit this practice. there are so many other things that are connected with having fun. without fun, then we begin to reject our very personhood and attempt to live as mere machines. robots and computers don't enjoy life, they function. i think we live in function mode too often. 

i am planning on taking a few moments to laugh at myself, maybe to the point of tears, cause why do something half way. live that moment. 

i encourage you to live, and not just function. but live.  embrace fun and play in your life, watching that you become the person you want to be in that moment. 

- peaks out. 

arguing.

sometimes you just feel that the world needs to know that you're right. 

it is highly unfortunate that most of us engage in arguments more than we speak. i am not saying that arguing is necessarily wrong or anything like that, there is a place for it. however, i think you can have two approaches to arguing. one correct, the other, grossly flawed. 

the first is simple enough and that you are arguing for the sake of discovering the truth. here arguing becomes an ongoing dialogue between individuals with the purpose of coming into agreement. this is highly beneficial where we find that truth is discovered in relationship and understanding one another so much so that union is solidified by our argument. even to disagree on understanding the truth is not wrong, it is just another evidence that our differences bring us together. 

however, the arguing that i struggle with and i am not always careful about is the kind of arguing that you assume you are a better person than who you are arguing. this is relative to the thoughts of arguing not believing the other person has anything to say or add. it basically demoralizes them by removing their personhood and leaves them standing there as an bleeding animal denigrated and maimed by your narcissistic dagger. how dare one enter into argument with the presupposition that they are right and everyone else is wrong. what kind of relationship does this facilitate? it seems that it merely assumes that the argument is all about the propagation of yourself and your ideals, rather than trying to see other's ideas as valuable. 

basically we either are acting like a god by being so staid on our perspectives or we are conversing with others to come to a way to live life that would be better, more fulfilling, or more beneficial to everyone else. 

i hope to learn how to argue without demi-god attitude. i desire it intensely. 

-peaks out.

fairy tales.

fairy tales are just that. tales. stories about those things both fair and unfair in our lives. 

so when you are a unique person and you have unique friends crazy things occur in conversation. so in this conversation with a friend of mine, they asked me which fairy tale hero do i identify with the most? i guess i haven't really thought of that question in that light before. i have definitely correlated my life experience to the likes of edward scissorhands, and the likes. however, to think of a fairy tale "prince" was not on my highest thought about character references. 

so i surveyed a few fairy tales noticing their heros. first let me tell you that it seems that they all at some point sing duets with their loves and kiss them to waken them from some dark deathly spell. i don't think this is a stretch. I think most men desire to find women who they can complement and ultimately awaken with love. 

however, most of these princes didn't know who they were if it was written on their tights. they all have serious identity issues and most do not have the internal fortitude to do what is right, they must be prodded like cattle towards the fair maiden. although this resonates reality, i wish it weren't true. it is ridiculous that the man rarely knows who he is, while the princess is always so sure. men, find your identity. secondly, don't delay in pursuing your hearts desire. be bold and have courage. love is worth it. 

i thus say all this to say that i found myself longing to be like peter pan. he lives in a dream world with little responsibility. he is not a prince, so he has no kingdom, he just enjoys life and flies around initiating those people who are open to experiencing more than what they know. he is a rescuer, a savior, a suitor. however, he never finds love. he also never commits. because he would never sacrifice his world for another. so i think i have hints of peter, but he wasn't one that i would say would be my choice. 

another that i considered was the beast(prince) from Beauty and the Beast. he's ugly, misunderstood, harsh, and needs to be coached in order for him to be the man. through some of this coaching and development, he reveals his heart and his willingness to sacrifice his selfishness for another. in the end, he is transformed and gets the girl. 

so i guess in many ways, i appreciate these wonderful, ridiculous fairy tales in that i learn so much about human nature from them. hopefully you will ask yourself the question of who are in the stories that are told and what does that say about you? 

-peaks out.

new life resolutions.

i think that we all have made new year's resolutions, however, when is the last time you made a new life resolutions. i mean decisions that would so drastically change the way you live life, you might not even be recognizable. 

so i have pondered about some things to commit to for the upcoming year, some for this year, some for the rest of my life. i have been hesitant to post them, because i know that if i do, i will have to check up on them often and that anyone who might read this can also hold me to those things. so therefore i am submitting myself to a new level of responsibility: 

Here they are in no specific order: 

-be more honest with others, by always being willing to tell the whole truth.

-be consistent with people, by always doing what i say. 

-hear God's voice speaking, by listening to his Spirit, his Word, his creation, or his people. therefore, listen more. (this includes meditation and reflective prayer)

-always look for application directives when reading the Bible. 

-attempt vulnerability as often as possible, so that others can see the real me. 

-remember that relationships are the most important thing in life, which means always looking for a way to put others before myself. 

-take time to worship God daily. 

-journal daily what is both going on in my spiritual life (moleskine) and what is going on in my head (blog)

-read the Bible daily (get through the new testament 6 times in the year), studying it by identifying concepts, people's examples, and the stories that are innate. 

-play the piano and sing at every chance i get. practicing my skills. 

-create daily by writing, singing, painting, composing, etc. 

-expect nothing, give everything. if someone says they want something or like something - give it to them. don't assume a return is coming.

-read print like crazy whether it is the newspaper, books, articles, novels, etc. by always having reading material in hand or (in bag). 

-minimize television and the surfing on the net. there is little gained from these things. 

-be active every day. go on a walk, swim, run, work out, flex, tennis, etc. 

-watch more movies to develop a greater ability to tell stories. 

-take more pictures. 

-weekly submission to other brothers concerning areas of weakness. 

-try to start a conversation everywhere i go. be concerned genuinely about others. 

-take a trip out of state/country.

-ask others what they think of Jesus. 

-memorize Scripture. 

-take sabbaths/fasts from life, food, relationships, etc. remember to breathe.

-be careful when using words, speak good things to them, always the truth, but never something that would cause injury. work on being more gentle with my communication. 

-have more fun. 

that is all for now. we'll see what happens. here's to a new year, new life, new day. 

-peaks out.

differences.

sometimes people really hate that other people are not just like they are. 

so in the last few days, i have come to really appreciate the differences that others have. it is incredible to know so many people that are so hugely different and begin to wonder how incredible it is that they are not you and you are not them. these differences do not make it easy to have relationship with them, quite the contrary. attempting friendship takes a ridiculous amount of understanding others, instead of trying to be understood. if we think about friendships in a way that the more people you have who are not like you, the more well balanced you will probably end up being. if you are with people who are the same as you, you will never grow. you will never progress, you will just stagnate. how lame is that? there is a huge disability that occurs in your life when you fail to engage in unique relationships with other people. isn't there something so refreshing when experiencing life with people who bring intrigue to your life. there is a necessity to be engaged, and without those who are both similar and different there will not be that variegation. 

i am not saying that this is easy. or that you always will enjoy it. however, i think you know that you will be behooved by those people. a crazy song that always comes to head when thinking about friendship says, "because i knew you, i have been changed for the good." embrace the differences. maybe you will be a more complete person. 

-peaks out.

pursued by God.

do you ever feel like running? 

unfortunately, God is going to run after you like whoa. i am definitely a person who knows this well. i think we often might believe that we can escape or get away from what God has for our lives. however, we can't. he's everywhere. i heard recently from a friend: "there are no heathen, only prodigals." that's is a statement to ponder. 

anyways, i am writing this because i experienced it tonight. i called up my best friend to tell him how much i have been struggling in my life with all sorts of things. however, when he picked up i chose not to tell him (a bad move by the way). i knew God had me call him to talk to him, and practice honesty. however, i failed to obey God and hung up. then in my boredom i got on AIM. i started talking to my friend's wife just saying hello and it ended up being him instead of her. he somehow knew i was okay (this would be God's humor). anyways, as he talked to me on AIM, he told me that he really wanted to pray with me. so after i sorta spilled what was going on in my life to him, he was encouraging me to come over and pray with him. so i did. i drove over to his house and he basically told me a whole lot about what God has been trying to say to me that i haven't been listening. we talked and then prayed for like 3 hours. God did some seriously awesome stuff in my life. it was awesome. i found some serious deliverance from lies of the enemy. 

all that to say. God will find you. today, tomorrow, next week, etc. he's crazy about you.

-peaks out. 

Hour and half phone conversations.

i really dislike phone conversations, however, when your best friends live 180 miles away, you do what you gotta do. and i am pretty sure the mysteries of the universe can be solved in them.

so i had a blast tonight hanging with some truly enjoyable friends. then i got in my car for the 3o minute ride home to see that i missed a call from one of my best friends. i was eager to talk to him. talking to friends is like your favorite pair of slippers. you just can't beat them. they will never get thrown away. anyways, as we were talking, i realized a lot. we talked about all the normal stuff: life, love,  the pursuit of God, the pursuit of girls. And then we talked about the going ons of life. the constant tension of living and knowing what the heck you are doing. i sat there to think about how funny it was to feel that i was sitting on the back porch just drinking some chai or something talking to my friend. then it hit me as we were talking. 

a flash of brilliance. a moment of clarity. we had talked about always being disappointed about what wasn't happening in our lives, such as reaching our God-given purpose. and then i realized you neglect to look at the awesome things in the now, when you are looking too far ahead. we talked about how there are these little crazy things in life that are so awesome, such as God bringing the sun up so we don't freeze to death, or that things are so much better than we could have imagined.

it is funny cause the things that we imagine or desire, are often not the points that God wants us to address. it is like we ask for direction, he discusses the weather. or maybe i am trying to find the path for tomorrow and he is harping what i learned last week. if we don't recognize those things we might miss out on the life we should be living. so think short, live deep, and obey God. 

It's crazy the kinds of things that come out of a phone conversation. 

peaks out.  

honest abe, i mean honest me.

honesty seems to be a historically pronounced trait to possess, whether it was abe lincoln or george washington. the significance of this quality is probably due to it's rarity. 

two incidences in the last two hours have basically blown up this issue in my life. first and foremost, i have made it one of my new year's resolutions to be more honest. as hard as it might be to be 100 percent honest. partial truth is not truth. it is a lie. 

anyways, back to these two moments of brilliance. the first occurred when i read an email by a very dear influential friend. they sent me a song to listen to, because we have been exchanging songs for fun. it is a blast. nonetheless, they sent me this song called "someone to fall back on" which is this amazing brilliant song about a guy being honest about what he is or isn't. and his honesty seems to be ridiculously compelling. it was like that trait took him to the highest virtue. it was a beautiful song about being honest with yourself and with others. let's just be honest for a second, you're not fooling anyone, so why pretend. i guess this song was amazing because i wasn't expecting a song that was so unadorned. which is not like the world we live in, which is ridiculously whitewashed. so to hear some unadulteration was just mind blowing. i love the concept of being this honest. get what you see, take it or leave it. 

the second occurrence of honest brilliance was in an email from an awesome and incredible friend. he was just so transparent from the beginning to the end of the email with no ulterior motives. there was something that again moved me as i read it. i just thought of the amazing metaphor that honesty seems to portray. it is like you give someone your most flawed thing that you possess, your pride, isolation, laziness, inconsistency, failure, whatever is the weakest thing in your life and you give it away when you are honest. allowing people to have complete care of your frailty. my friend has done this completely. he owned up to his mess. he became human. all the while totally embracing the spiritual. although this does not always come out pretty, there is an incredible amount we can learn about how honesty is communicating a great love that most never experience. honesty is like a prism that allows love to be dispersed in all directions due to the brokenness that is innately in honesty. when's the last time that you lit up someone's light with colorful light? 

peaks out. 

iced solo grande sweetened with breve lite ice iced coffee con leche

that is what i ordered today. 

sometimes you feel that you need to experiment with life and different things. that is one of my mottos this year. do things that are different. dance to no music. sing instead of speak. listen to out of the ordinary genres of music. read printed literature instead of computer mediated reading. order an iced solo grande sweetened with breve lite ice iced coffee con leche instead of a tall hazelnut mocha. this drink changed my world. almost like wearing a tie with a t-shirt. it seems so wrong, but feels so right. doing something out of the ordinary often feels so wrong, but is really right. 

ordinary. what is that anyways? there is no such thing. we are all crazy and insane. let's not fool ourselves. some of us are even more crazy (such as those who order an I.S.G.S.B.L.I.I.C.C.L). ordinary is in the eye of the beholder. and ordinary is probably more beautiful than extraordinary. let's be honest, those who are extraordinary, are just a little too much extra. extra just seems superfluous. do we really need extra? i think of all the negative thoughts that come with extra. extra pounds, extra gum, extra baggage, etc. sometimes too much is too much. just be you. be ordinary. ordinarily you. again, ordinary does not exist. we are all so different there is no norm. don't buy into the system.

i have a friend that basically is the most insane person i have met (in other's eyes), however i told him that it is that him and i are the sane ones and everyone else in the world is intertwined in the insanity. embrace the sanity. try something new. and love it. 

peaks out.  

p.s. i thought an iced solo grande sweetened with breve lite ice iced coffee con leche was unique. the barista at starbucks said that she has another lady that orders the same thing. oh the irony. i mean the sanity. 

"Second Star to the Right and Straight on Til Morning."

if you are not familiar with that quote, it is from J.M. Barrie's work Peter Pan, which describes where Neverland is. 

i think that i often believe that Neverland exists. however, it is not the place where pirates and indians war against each other or where crocodiles digest time pieces. it is that place where you are sitting in your room and everything is unbelievably quiet because all the house is sleeping, you are awake and enjoying the silent bliss. i have come to treasure that place, it is where thoughts become more vivid, either due to wandering minds or maybe the stars alignment and the moon's illumination. i don't know, but i am learning to love it more. i have often had many amazing conversations in this time and although most of them end up being rather gut wrenchingly honest and sometimes fanciful, they are real and so are the people that are involved. i love that. less inhibitions and more honesty. 

more often than naught i disdain this time for fear that it might unleash some dreadful beast from within or perhaps it will reveal some in-discrepancies in my character or something of that nature. but i am noting that in that place of Neverland, you find yourself accepting others more readily, being more understanding with them. i find this is true even for myself. in Neverland, i can be okay with being creative or loving artistic things without fear of rejection. artsy things often have such a negative connotation with them. however, i am learning that Neverland should be all the time. therefore, i have challenged myself to make Neverland a reality to me and all who i come in contact with.

Neverland is invited into my world so that I can experience all things in their fullness whenever i chose. this is where my spiritual life is allowed to full of doubts and failures, my relational life can be accessible to all, my intellect will be expansive and unyielding, my emotions can be unhampered, and my volition will choose the right thing every time. I hope you come to Neverland, I am sure it would behoove you as much as it did for me. 

peaks out.

memory.

the mind is incredible.

sometimes have you just wondered about how memories are sparked. a sound, a noise, a smell, a picture. i had one of those moments today where someone's voice triggered a flood of high school memories. there was thoughts of acceptance, stress, ridiculousness, love (or the hopes of it), as well as thoughts of rejection, denial, cruelty, jests, and ultimately depression. i guess at the moment i was kinda muttering expletives to myself at thinking of all the difficulty i encountered in my youth. but then something all of sudden hit me like a bus. memories are to remind us about the progress in life. although those times weren't always pleasant, i can look back on them with sheer delight knowing that those things that plagued my existence are definitely not things that i center around any longer. 

so then once i recalled these things my google brain began to analyze many of my memories, some that i treasure (like moving from the circle dorms to the hill and november camping) and some that i regret (such as wearing jnco jeans and not giving people another chance). however, it all comes back to a realization that today is another day of memories. one could live in the memories of their mind (like in eternal sunshine of the spotless mind kind of way), however then you would never live today. that in essence would be a disappointing existence, living in yesteryear's regret or laud. why not experience today for the very purpose of remembering it. what will be done today that you can remember forever.

i don't know, maybe it will be that you speak your mind every time you open your mouth. or perhaps it will be to be honest with yourself about issues you have been dealing with. or what if it was the day you bought the ring for your future wife. sky's the limit. nothing can stop you from making today the greatest day of your life. do today, remember for a lifetime. i plan on taking a few moments, remembering the songs that played on iTunes that caused me to smile, or the way the clouds seemed to movelessly shift across the sky when you looked out the window in your office. if i still had my remember wall (a burlap wall hanging that my best friend made for our room last year), i would be safety-pinning something on it for sure. 

 so for the record: "When All We Have is Taken" started my day and I am about to end the work day with the thoughts of Top Gun's theme in my head. What a triumphant day. The sky was black to start out with, with a few stars oscillating their final night's shine, ending the day with a white fading out blue sky that is only opaqued by a few naked trees. Today was a victorious beauty. 

peaks out.

emails.

i love emails.

there is something about emails that just seem to make life better. i don't know whether it is the thought that others need to connect to you, or maybe it is the dinging chime that resounds in my soul when a message arrives. i mostly think that life is so short and rarely enjoyed that emails allow for some greater joy to be partaken. perhaps it is an email from your boss that gives you direction for the day. maybe it is from your best friend about the fact that he can't remember a singer's name and knows that you are the only one that will know. it could be a memory placed into an electronic letter so that you can treasure both past, present, and future at the same time. i am eager to understand how emails can change everything in a day, maybe it is our mood, our emotions, our intellects, or maybe that story from your grandma, which you never read, is exactly what you need to be able to continue in your life journey. "i've got mail, and it's exciting." 

peaks out.

Starting something new...

journaling of sorts:

so i am starting something new this year, i am going to try to keep an online journal of the musings and thoughts that i might have. we'll see how it goes, but i am sorta excited about it. this is completely random and reckless style journaling and maybe people will get it and maybe they won't, but hopefully it will be a good way to get the creative thinking flowing.

to start things out: ps. 78.7-8 ~ "so that they should set their hope in God and not forget the works of God, but keep his commandments; and that they should not be like their fathers, a stubborn and rebellious generation, a generation whose heart was not steadfast, whose spirit was not faithful to God." 

i'm learning about faith, and in the process i stumbled on this verse. crazily it talks more about what faith is not: forgetfulness, stubbornness, rebellion, and instability. unfortunately, more times than not this is definitely the things that characterize my life. however, on the flip side, we can see that there are contrasts shown: hope, remembrance, observance and obedience. so on i go on my faith trek. 

take a look around, find hope in redemption, find remembrance in community, observance in ritual, and obedience in listening. 

peaks out.