Drews & Claires

so i was kinda inspired by my brother to blog again, and he didn't even know it. so thanks nickley. i will start off by saying that to understand this post, you might have to watch the movie Elizabethtown like 50+ times which means once more that I have watched it.

currently, life is in a state of evaluation. i am evaluating everything, pondering things said, introspectively calculating decisions made, thinking incessantly about the typical things: God, life, love, family, friends, jobs, school, future, past, present, you know the normal stuff. so far my meanderings in my mind have been inconclusive to say the least. i don't really know what i think about some of these topics. in some ways i am in a state of impasse. i am not sure how i should feel or what i should feel about said topics. am i supposed to love my work everyday? should i will myself to call old friends? can i be open and honest with family? am i being selfish? do i even know what love is? can God feel closer to me? are the promises of God yes and amen? will my future be greater than my past? will i be the man i want to be? or the man God wants me to be? are my aspirations focused on my will or God's? etc. etc. etc.

in many ways, i feel that i am Drew Baylor, living in Elizabethtown far from home, knowing that i am living in the failure of my plan that sank like the Titanic (Drew's Spasmotica Shoes). many have seen this movie and either love it or hate it, but i am one of the ones that finds myself mirroring that film, as i live my life. my life often feels like a funeral. it always seems that i am burying things or having death surprise me, especially in a strange place, encountering bizarre situations and even more bizarre people. this mostly leads to feeling overwhelmed by it all. i find myself quoting the movie as it speaks in some kind of comfort language that is my native tongue. but if Drew were left to himself, it wouldn't be a good story.

the beauty of this movie (and my life) is that God often brings me to a place of deep melancholy where crazy things are occurring and my life is spinning out of control. i am just frustrated on so many levels that he places crazy people like Claire in my situation. these Claire's are those people who have experienced such things and want to love you through it. the people who want to talk to you from sundown til sunrise. the people who make you mixed CDs with their favorite low and high songs. the people who "you can never forget but are impossible to remember." those people are the ones that get you through it all. they are beautiful, considerate, caring, and lovely in every way. they are the sages of suck. the magi of mayhem. the wisemen of wackness. these people just always know what to say, how to say it and have the authority and power to change everything in your perspective. Claires are your hope. they remind you that "we are intrepid, we go on." i guess all that to say is that i have been lacking some Claire-moments. but even though they have been absent, i know they are coming. my life has often played out where Claires showed up in the last moment, but they came. so i am waiting on the Claire.

i guess really i am waiting on God. he's the best version of Claire possible. he basically does all the things she does but perfectly. so i guess right now, he and i are taking a roadtrip, listening to a few of his favorite tunes, both of celebration and lament, rocking in the depth of feelings, having the wind blow the stank off me, being closer to him than i have ever felt, dancing in the forest, and finding him echoed in the people and places i come across. i've probably only been driving for a few hundred miles, maybe i should go a little further and see what he has in store at the World's 2nd Largest Flea Market. maybe he'll meet me face to face.