slow motion....

so today after our goodbye luncheon/birthday party office staff, we arrived back at the church to find out that my dad went to the ER. 

i can't tell you how scared i was to hear that my amazing father was in the ER. and then it got worse, they told us it might have been a heart attack. my mind was blown because my dad is a healthy guy that eats well and works out like 6 days a week. 

i felt so unbelievably helpless as i ran to be with my mom and my dad. i didn't have any deep thoughts or questions, i just thought how much i absolutely love my father. despite his awfully lame jokes, his awkward comments, his explosive personality, and his ability to embarrass me at every chance, i think he is the best freakin' dad in the world. i thought i don't tell him that i love him enough. i don't give to him as he constantly gives to me. i felt that i had nothing to offer him except be his crazy son that challenges him on everything he says. helplessnessly overwhelmed with my father's love for me, i found myself wanting. i need my dad. i need his insight. i need his wisdom. i need his passion for others and for the Lord. 

everything feels like its slow motion and i  am the only thing blazing forward. i hate that i don't feel that i can embrace the situation and everything God is saying. i am trusting the Lord, but i have to focus on worship, on school, on everything else and all i want to do is sit on the couch with my dad and know that all is well in the world. hanging with my poppy, my pops, my pache. kissing on his buzzed head and hugging him like a bear. 

jesus, thank you for giving grace to my family and the bigger realization of your love for me through my dad. 

on the technical side of things, dad had a 99% blockage in one of the arteries in the back of his heart. every other artery was completely fine. just that one. the docs said that basically he got the ER before any damage could really be done to his heart. he is going to have to take it easy as they put a shunt in that artery. he is currently in ICU being closely monitored and tomorrow will probably be moved to a regular room. we hope he can come home on saturday. great thing...no longtime or short term heart damage.

just keep praying for us and our church family. 

love you all.

slowing motion.

- peaks out.

"all will be well" by gabe dixon band is on repeat. 

scissorhands. (and a playlist to accompany)

so yesterday i was speaking with a friend of mine after we had worked a lot of the day on homework and somehow i began to talk about a movie quote that I love, 

"i'm not finished" - edward scissorhands

this thought has resonated in my heart and i suppose in my head since then. but in worship tonight it was brought back like a tuning fork struck with such tremendous force that i could barely bear it. i was brought to my knees as i realized that currently i have been really acting "finished." it is almost like my school and my work have been my validation in the aspects of my life, whether it be friends or my relationship with God. tonight, instead of being deluded by my thoughts of "being okay," i found myself realizing the greatness of my need. it was like i looked down and my scissorhands had ruined the real hands God has been trying to give me this whole time. so by my hiding behind the walls of false completion i have missed out on what God wants for me. i've now come to the point that i had to recognize that like it says in psalm 51 that i need Yahweh to rebuild my heart into something new and untainted by my ability, and i need his Spirit to come and refresh my life with its incredible transforming power. i know that he wants to be the giver of unmerited grace and covenant love to me so that he can make me finished apart from me. i'm now okay with the fact that i have scissorhands. one day God will give me those hands and i have so much expectation for today that he will do it in the best time. until then, i will relish my scissorhands. i know that i need a mediator for my life otherwise i cannot be touched or touch others with my life. Jesus is the perfect bubble wrap for my unfinishedness. i revel in him. Son of David have mercy on me. 

- peaks out

scissorhand playlist: 

1. rescue me - adam watts - providence of God played this song on itunes as it was shuffling as i wrote this blog. coincidence, doubt it. 

2. unrestrained - calvin nowell - wow. love it. worship is all about being real and uninhibited. 

3. i am nothing - shawn mcdonald - i am just dust without Christ

4. grace will be my song - fee - "jesus, lover of the weak...with strength to carry me"

5. we need you Lord - jonathan butler - simple declaration of our need

6. grace for me - michael gungor band - "even though i'm not yet flawless, you are forming me, your grace for me is all i need..."

7. to deserve - jonathan stockstill - "with my hands lifted high, i will praise you as king, for what have i done, to deserve like yours"

8. sing my love - kim walker (jesusculture) - song of the overflow

9. take me - worth dying for - "broken for your glory"

10. nothing back - according to john - "take all of me, cause i have decided....all i got and all i am, all my dreams, all my plans, i'm holding back, i'm holding nothing back from you."

11. gazing - future of forestry - "like a child i'm gazing into wonderous grace"

12. only a man - jonny lang - reminder that we are still human. 

J's Weekly Playlist

due to my amazing friend Kris....and watching a movie with Jer & Donna...i decided to rock a playlist for the upcoming week. 

1. with everything - hillsong live - this song totally moves my soul toward Jesus. 

2. all will be well - gabe dixon band - a recently enjoyed band

3. don't miss now - downhere - "for choosing the road less travelled..." 

4. the arms of my savior - lincoln brewster - john mayeresque groove

5. son of man (bless the lord) - tye tribbett - makes me want to dance (and be black)

6. ashes and flames - john mark mcmillan - coffee anyone? this is the perfect segue to a salted caramel hot chocolate with a solo shot.

7. your love never fails - jesusculture (chris quilala) - pretty much my anthem ever morning 

8. treasure - trevor davis - a little funkaliciousness about where your heart is...

9. sacred place - future of forestry - been learning about "creating a space" in scripture and this song reminds me of what happens when i make space for Him.

10. kiss the air - danny calvert (music of scottt alan) - love this voice and the honesty of the lyrics

hope you enjoy any or all of these...i sure am. 

- peaks out

in the beginning...

i am in the midst of fall break and although i desire to not do a solitary thing, i am in the library staring at my hebrew workbook and the twenty pages that i get to work on the next week. ugh. so instead of getting my work down, since my motivation is at a superb low, i decided to talk about the beginning...

this morning, pastor (aka mom) shared a crazy awesome message about "in the beginning..." she surveyed a few passages about things that occurred at the beginning and let me persuade you that i was blown away at the words she brought forth. as we went to genesis 1, i recalled to my mind some interesting things God taught me about the first two verses of the Bible, here's vs 2. 

"the earth was without form and void, and darkness was over the face of the deep. And the Spirit of God was hovering over the face of the waters." 

God has and continued to reveal to me about this place of "formlessness." it is a place that we should begin our day, it is a refuge that we should cling to, it is assuredly the formation chamber in which we allow ourselves to change. 

there is so much talk about this place of formlessness being a back thing; however, i believe that a full reading of this passage reveals that in that state of formlessness, God has the potential for everything he was going to and did create. that place of not knowing, of darkness, of formless allows for a couple things to occur in our lives: 

1. it allows for us to recognize that we do not have to buy into the forms of the world, but instead we call allow God to form us daily. we do not have to be satisfied with stereotypes, facades, or predisposition, we can trust God's version of us and his plan, will, purpose and design for me and you. for if we know our state of formlessness, we are allowing him to rule our lives and not ourselves. 

2. formlessness is the place of teachableness. if we set up so much structure and adherents, we end up never allowing for God to teach or reveal to us how to live. our systems can prevent God's desires and wishes, but that teachableness will expand our opportunity to minister and to live out the kingdom of God. in this status of being without form, we truly can function in anything, not held back and not self or others limitations. 

in the beginning, God created. he did it, not me. i don't know why we think that we can form ourselves in anything but him. for if we do, we simply end up with the predicament of failing under our own laws and perspectives instead of being refreshed by the Lord. 

enough for now. i think i am going to return to formlessness this whole week. more to come.

- peaks out.

 

this morning...

i am having a great week. i am seeing God bless me all over the place. this morning i was having coffee with a friend and God just struck my heart's strings with a crazy seventh chord, which has yet to resolve to the major chord. it's so haunting me. i'd thought i would SOC (stream of consciousness) what i was thinking....

this was stream of consciousness, so I hope you can follow.

So I had this incredible discussion this morning with a brother about Love and its relation to everything. It basically touched me to my core. I’ve been crying quite a bit this morning (in a good way). Jesus drives me crazy when he does that. ; )  

Is love not to be our motivation in all that we do? Whether we are going to school or we are working in a church or rocking a career/writing center, we should be doing it out of love. What’s the point of having vision or amazing plans if that interwoven thread behind it is not love.

I guess recently, I have found myself trying to visioneer things for my life and focused a lot on success. This morning Jesus just hit me with his love as part of these things. The success and wealth of life is not measured by what I attain or what I believe is “good.” The only good thing is God, and God is love, so the only good thing would have functionality due to love. If not for love, would Jesus have died? Not to merely move and do things, but I think to bring us into relationship with the Father, causing us to move and do things with love as the backbone to our efforts.

Great Commandment. It’s about Love. It’s crazy, because if you think about it, God is inviting us to partake in his divine nature, since he is love. Wow, he is basically allowing me and granting me an opportunity to share in what his essence is. That’s insane. I have never thought about Love being such a honor to be able to partake of.

Like I have been saying of late, humans don’t have the capacity to love without the Lord’s loving them first. So then we are able to drink of the cup of covenant love and are able to share it with those around us, dispensing not ourselves, our ideas, or our philosophies, but his love. My love is always his love, if it is actually love and not some distortion of love or relationship.

This passage has been where I am in my devotions and it has this concept in and throughout it. Check it out if you get a chance. Here are a few excerpts:
 
Colossians 1:28-2:3

Vs. 29 - “for this I toil struggling with all HIS energy that HE may powerfully works within ME ( emphasis mine)”

Ch 2 Vs. 2 - “that their hearts may be encouraged, being knit together in love to reach all the riches of full assurance of the understanding and the knowledge of God’s mystery, which is Christ.”

I am just challenge by love in these two verses. First, in the first verse, that I would constantly see that it is his love that he works in me. Not my love that I can attempt to conjure or replicate. I must be a conduit for his love to flow through. (Circle/Arrows extended) Second, the maturity that Paul is speaking of is only brought about by the encouragement so that they can be tied in love which will allow them to begin to partake in the mystery of the Gospel, Jesus and his “love life.”

In the midst of my life right now, my prayer is Ps. 59.10 that “My God who shows me steadfast love will meet me...and then bring me victory” (Peaks Paraphrase). Let your life be met with the Love of God. So that in and through you, not only will you be changed, but everyone you come in contact will be thus impacted. Good morning and welcome to living the Great Commandments, eh?

-peaks out.